Draft 5: Always Space

[Knot]

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Hi Alex,

it's better, but not there yet, I think.

You're hanging on to 'petrichor' (and why wouldn't you, such a great word) but it's not adding anything to the poem, and your own phrases ('runoff murmurs absently', for instance) are overshadowed by it (which is a shame). Your piece is strong enough without it.

And what are the 'ghosts of gnats' in this?

I'm confused by 'today' - should verses one and two be in the past tense and verse three the present?

If so ...

Had we all left for boba tea as the adults

sung 'With or Without You' on the karaoke

we could have heard their echoes surrender

to a choir of frogs while runoff murmured

absently beneath the streets about a past

life that kept us waiting indoors.

And we would have been carried by our laughter,

through the interruptions of streetlit ghosts,

to a plaza of convenience stores, Filipino market

and boba cafe that yielded fluorescence

to our reflections passing in softly rippling puddles.

those stores are brimming with silences today

that slowly streaming into our estrangement;

but, that moment, crystallized by rain

in that familiar darkness between two worlds,

remains -- where there is always space for us.

'sing 'With or ...' is there anything better than 'sing'? Karaoke tells us that's what they're doing, but not how. In the UK, assuming the performance was of a poor quality we might say 'as the adults / murdered 'With or Without You' on the karaoke (as a for instance)

'dancing' rather weakens 'streetlit ghosts' (for me).

given all the 'mercantile' references in s2, is 'yield' right? (Likewise 'streaming'?)

if 'rippling' how 'reflections'?

you've laughter twice (s2, s3), maybe just cut it from s3? (And take another look at 'crystallized by', are you sure it works?)

There's still the problem of the conditional If that starts the piece, (verse three doesn't feel like it's a consequence of whether 'we all left' or not.

Best, Knot

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[alonso ramoran]

Knot,

A lot to think over. I'm pretty satisfied with this version if I'm being honest, but further feedback is always encouraged. I'm pretty sure I'll be revisiting this piece in the future anyways.

In the meantime---from my research, "a ghost of gnats" is just another phrase besides "a cloud of gnats" that can be used to describe a swarm of gnats. But "ghosts" of course was chosen to add to the poem's atmosphere and I personally like the phrase and found its existence convenient for this poem. "Dance" I feel is also an apt term to describe what these ghosts are doing, considering why they are formed.

Best,
Alex

[Knot]

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from my research, "a ghost of gnats" is just another phrase besides "a cloud of gnats"

ghost as a collective noun and synonym for cloud? Not buying it

the streetlit dance of gnats (possibly) but dance of streetlit ghosts / of gnats (nope).

If you wanted, perhaps a gossamer of gnats?

And petrichor is your only instance of smell/scent in the piece, everything else is sight and sound.

Best, Knot

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