Wonderland

[heslopian]

A boy obsessed with Wonderland,
chasing rabbits down dark holes,
cats with upside down faces
and animated playing cards
(how do they digest food?
I wondered. Are their organs paper thin,
transparent to the naked eye?),
I passed lonesome hours,
while my father was at work,
and my mother searched herself
inside a mental hospital,
dredging her own surreal landscape
for memories she'd later deny knowledge of
(when I locked the bathroom door,
a nanny in a horror film,
while Michael Meyers screamed
with a young woman's voice)
seated at my grandma's dining table,
re-reading Carroll's strange story.
She always wore a big blue blouse
and white apron,
as was tradition, and I boiled with rage
when a new film was made,
showing her in (GASP!)
YELLOW.
Children desire stasis.

Perfectly consistent in
its inconsistency,
Wonderland existed
outside time and space,
outside school bullies
and insane mummies,
between the pages
of a "Penguin classic".

[billy]

A boy obsessed with Wonderland,
chasing rabbits down dark holes,
cats with upside down faces, feels like a lot of comma's so far
and animated playing cards
(how do they digest food? is this line needed?
I wondered. Are their organs paper thin,
transparent to the naked eye?),is the ellipse needed?
I passed the lonesome hours, is the needed?
while my father was at work, is my needed?
and my mother searched herself is my needed?
inside a mental hospital, great lines from the one above to the young woman's voice
dredging her own surreal landscape
for memories she'd later deny knowledge of
(when I locked the bathroom door,
a nanny in a horror film,
while Michael Meyers screamed
with a young woman's voice), are ellipse needed?
seated at my grandma's dining table, is my needed?
re-reading Carroll's strange story.
She always wore a big blue blouse
and white apron over the top, is over the top needed?
as was tradition, and I boiled with rage
when a new film was made,
showing her in (GASP!)
a YELLOW blouse instead. [b]would just 'YELLOW' add more disdain?[/b]
All children desire stasis. is all needed?
Perfectly consistent in for me this would be better as a separate verse
its inconsistency,
Wonderland existed
outside time and space,
outside school bullies
and insane mummies,
between the pages
of a "Penguin classic". from perfectly to classic were more great lines. and the images it conjures up are equally as good.

i like it a lot though for me it need a really small edit to remove a few small words that don't add or help the poem or it's flow.

i felt the ending was superb. what's really weird is the fact i saw the new film of it only last nice how scarey is that.

all in all a good read for me jack, thanks.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Billy I especially love the YELLOW idea. That really makes the line more pithy. I'll use most of your suggestions, though I think I'll "my" before "father" and "mother"; without it those lines just seem a tad twee, like calling them pater and mater.

[billy]

hey i like it hehe..
a materbater.

i have a lithp

i have never heard the word twee before, i like it.

[heslopian]

Twee means old-fashioned. Materbater sounds like a twenties porno... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM3pudVpcLk

[waitingforgodet]

Great idea, Jack; for me, anyway, shows the genius of a young boy who copes with difficult circumstances through the wonderful and therapeutic vehicle of Alice In Wonderland--I agree with Billy that a few commas, articles can be left out, also an adjective or two dropped would make the syntax stronger--and maybe I'm way out there in thinking that any reference to Micahael Meyers *or those movies should be eliminated entirely--The only image needed here is Alice In Wonderland juxtaposed with the boy's circumstance, this, I think, makes the poem universal, classic even. I would not even call Carrol's story strange, but something along the lines of great, monolithic, delectable, for I think it is what saves the boy against all the harshness he faces in life, would even elaborate on difficulty in school (bullies, etc.)--for me, anyway, this poem could be a great one showing how the greatest healing can be done through imagination and equally important is that no matter what, nothing can touch him within the gated protection of his mind--jim

The lines pertaining to the mother are wonderful.

*I haved never seen a Michael Meyers movie except for a few minutes once--the horror in the boy, the difficulty he encounters is remedied by Alice In Wonderland--and somehow I would put all three words on the title in this poem.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and gret feedback, waitingforgodet I'll certainly consider your advice, though I personally think that the story was strange, and that strangeness in a way was what comforted the boy. It was a whole other world he knew nothing of.