Psy-Coma

[Bunx]

Psy-Coma

Startled woke, the state I'm in.
From a dream, a reminder.
That mind, experience, and illusion
can be synonymous.

These days are a dull scape.
Wandering nightly
in subconscious scenes,
I usually forget.

I arose tonight
from being kissed and felt
by invisible voids representing
the first dream I can recall
since my last nightmare.

Control is lost in these spaces.
Dreams, the only safe place
I can be insane without consequences.

A familiar perspective
of distant madness.
As if viewing
past psychosis
unconsciously.

I'd rather forget my dreams.

Awoken, the fate I'm living
is far from lucidity;
solidified a relationship with my mind.

Empathy, trust, grace is given.
Move on from this nightmare I must.

One can not tumble.
Continue living,
at all costs.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Bunx-
In MISC I ususally only comment on content, yet I will point out that there is some odd grammar with easy fixes:


Psy-Coma

Startled woke, the state I'm in.
From a dream, a reminder. not sure that "from" is a verb
That mind, experience, and illusion
can be synonymous.

These days, a dull scape.
Wandering nightly
in subconscious scenes,
I usually forget.

Though when I arose tonight maybe leave off "though when"
from being kissed and felt,  not sure you need this comma since yer breaking the line here
by invisible voids representing
the first dream I can recall
since my last nightmare.  peculiar sentence structure, but I get it

Control is lost in these spaces.
Dreams, the only safe place 
I can be insane without consequences.  cool stanza, this one

Nightmares, in my case.  why the period?
all have the same theme.
A familiar perspective
of distant madness. not sure this is a sentence
Losing the reins, Ya trying to comma me to death, or what?
on a carriage
driven by adrenaline. 

I'd rather forget my dreams.HA! I almost never remember mine within 30 seconds of waking up.

Awoke, the fate I'm living
is far from lucidity.
Solidified, a relationship with my mind.  not sure if this is a sentence  either

Empathy, trust, grace is given.
Move on from this nightmare I must.
One can not tumble, move forward, 
at all costs.
[/quote]

C- on grammar, and that's enough of playing English teacher from me. (Pretty dang smug of me ain't it?)

I usually sleep through dreams, but sometimes remember the recurring ones I have about flying.  I usually fly low to the ground, but never hit, sort of like falling with style (eg Buzz Lightyear).  The nightmares I wake up from startled, because I'm usually falling (car over cliff, off of a building) and just about to hit the ground.  The "falling up" (flying) and "falling down" (crashing) themes are fairly regular, of what I remember. 

Is a theme of your nightmare really "losing the reins on a carriage" or is that just a metaphor?

I love the line, "I can be insane without consequences"  and "Move on from this nightmare I must." Reminds me of a saying I have: "No need to drive me crazy, because I can just walk from here."

Overall, I can relate to this piece, as admitting to being a little bit crazy is admitting to being a lot more human. 

Thanks Bunx,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

I'm going to act the contrarian here.  I don't have a problem with what I guess are labelled sentence fragments?  Many writers use them and I think they are sometimes effective in this poem, especially at beginning.  I guess the question is, are they deliberate? 

As to content, the writer seems to find dreams both pleasure and pain, and come down on the side of being "woke".  That's my interpretation, but I'm a poor intrpreter at best. 

I've added some notes that may repeat Mark:



Startled woke, the state I'm in.
From a dream, a reminder.
That mind, experience, and illusion
can be synonymous.                        really like beginning

These days, a dull scape.             can really feel this line
Wandering nightly
in subconscious scenes,            don't need comma
I usually forget.

Though when I arose tonight
from being kissed and felt,       don't need comma
by invisible voids representing
the first dream I can recall
since my last nightmare.

Control is lost in these spaces.
Dreams, the only safe place
I can be insane without consequences.

Nightmares, in my case,
all have the same theme.
A familiar perspective
of distant madness.
Losing the reins,       don't need comma
on a carriage
driven by adrenaline.  

I'd rather forget my dreams.

Awoke, the fate I'm living
is far from lucidity.                                   great line!
Solidified, a relationship with my mind.

Empathy, trust, grace is given.
Move on from this nightmare I must.
One can not tumble, 
move forward at all costs.

[Bunx]

Mark and Tranquility- Thanks for the very helpful suggestions. Being as I woke up from a nightmare inspired to write this I was battling 3am bad grammar brain on a cell phone haha. I edited and took alot of the suggest from both you all.

Mark- I feel like the losing the reins on a carriage is a iffy metaphor for nightmares. That could be made more clear for sure.

Thanks for reading and the great suggestions

[Bunx]

Tranquillity- I catch my self vomiting up comma to separate ideas when I write, it usually takes me a few edits at least before I realize which ones need to go.

Mark- Thanks again for the feedback, part of my goal in my community is to be a mental health advocate. Alot if the music I write, and poems are meant to bridge the gap between neuro-typical and neuro-divergent folks to show how even the most surreal struggles have themes that at universal to everyone. Admitting the madness is often the first step of growth, trust, and healing.
Hope your well!

--bunx