Love Letter

[Semicircle]

Trails of ink,
blotches warping the paper.

I'm itching from the lovebite
you gave.
Crimson under my nails.

Pink scribbles 
scratched on the envelope.
Overlapping hearts-- 
eyes behind them. 

They'll be watching.

---

Happy belated valentines

xoxo

[Mark A Becker]

Hey semi-
Some in-line comments:

Trails of ink dragging across, "dragging across" needs to be replaced, or cut
blotches warping the paper.
Itching away at the lovebite you gave, interesting, but it's you that's itching not the ink. A simple "I'm itching" would correct that. I'd turn the line on "lovebite" to make it stand out- "you gave" could start the next line. (With a period after you gave. Not a comma.)
Crimson under my nails. suggests tension/anxiety, blood under finger nails
I'd re-construct the line breaks, but it's your poem.

Little pink scribbles  "little" is an unecessary filler word
etched on the envelope.
Overlapping hearts,
beating like a drum. avoid this cliche at all costs

Love note in hand,
eyes peering from behind.
and though you won't see them
They'll be watching. Unexpected stalker/jealously vibe here.  But that's OK in matters of the heart.

Perhaps you could combine S.2 and S.3 to maximize the intensity of S.1. 
I know how I would do it, but I'm curious to see what you'd come up with.

---

Hey semi-

I'm afraid you added too much, and way overdid it.  Like, WAY overdid it.

The "jaw" / "maw" forced rhyme destroyed the sparseness of this one.  And sparseness allows readers to fill out a poem- it was what made this poem more fascinating. 7/8 of the "iceberg" can remain under water, and we'll still see that iceberg.

[Semicircle]

Hey semi-
Some in-line comments:

Trails of ink dragging across, "dragging across" needs to be replaced, or cut
blotches warping the paper.
Itching away at the lovebite you gave, interesting, but it's you that's itching not the ink. A simple "I'm itching" would correct that. I'd turn the line on "lovebite" to make it stand out- "you gave" could start the next line. (With a period after you gave. Not a comma.)
Crimson under my nails. suggests tension/anxiety, blood under finger nails
I'd re-construct the line breaks, but it's your poem.

Little pink scribbles  "little" is an unecessary filler word
etched on the envelope.
Overlapping hearts,
beating like a drum. avoid this cliche at all costs

Love note in hand,
eyes peering from behind.
and though you won't see them
They'll be watching. Unexpected stalker/jealously vibe here.  But that's OK in matters of the heart.

Perhaps you could combine S.2 and S.3 to maximize the intensity of S.1. 
I know how I would do it, but I'm curious to see what you'd come up with.

---

Hey semi-

I'm afraid you added too much, and way overdid it.  Like, WAY overdid it.

The "jaw" / "maw" forced rhyme destroyed the sparseness of this one.  And sparseness allows readers to fill out a poem- it was what made this poem more fascinating. 7/8 of the "iceberg" can remain under water, and we'll still see that iceberg.

Yeah, I agree. Needed to work on something so I just slapped a bow on it and called it good.

[Mark A Becker]

Yeah, I agree. Needed to work on something so I just slapped a bow on it and called it good.

I think the bow slapped back.  Take your time, the poem ain't in no big hurry, and any crit I offer does not require a quick response. 

More green comments, below:

Trails of ink,
blotches warping the paper.
I'm itching away at the lovebite  lower case i; "away at" could be "from"- one scratches an itch
you gave.
.. lose this
Crimson under my nails.

Pink scribbles
etched on the envelope-
overlapping hearts-
eyes peering from behind them.
watching intently.  I think " They'll be watching." worked better

I was tempted to re-write this one, but that's up to you.

[Semicircle]

Yeah, I agree. Needed to work on something so I just slapped a bow on it and called it good.

I think the bow slapped back.  Take your time, the poem ain't in no big hurry, and any crit I offer does not require a quick response. 

More green comments, below:

Trails of ink,
blotches warping the paper.
I'm itching away at the lovebite  lower case i; "away at" could be "from"- one scratches an itch
you gave.
.. lose this
Crimson under my nails.

Pink scribbles
etched on the envelope-
overlapping hearts-
eyes peering from behind them.
watching intently.  I think " They'll be watching." worked better

I was tempted to re-write this one, but that's up to you.

I'm personally very flattered that you care enough to.

It'd be interesting to see what your take on this is 
so have at it if you want to. 

[Mark A Becker]

It'd be interesting to see what your take on this is 

Missing period after "gave"

Missing period after "them"

Not a fan of "etched".

Watch your punctuation. All of the elements matter, especially in short ones.

That's my take. The needs to be yours.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Semi. It's helpful if you post your edits above or below the original. It helps us to see the progression of the poem as you take on suggestions. Further to that, not every edit is an improvement, and it's nice for both the OP and the readers to double back. First drafts often carry an element of charm than can easily be lost - even as the poem as a whole improves.


Love Letter (original)

-------

Love Letter (1st Edit)


------

Love Letter (2nd Edit)

...and so on

Just a suggestion.