Mr. Tambourine Man

[Erthona]

Mr. Tambourine Man

He sings his old songs 
with his raspy new voice
as though he had a choice.
Just the delusion of freedom
without commitment.
He's not sitting on his bum
though the Sun's no longer blistering.

He sings his old songs
by secret triplet count
his emotion all run out,
what was it all about?
It's just like coming out,
there's no need to shout
when everyone is listening.

He sings his old songs
though they all are now sold
just like them now he's old
he has nowhere to belong;
maybe reads his catalog
a copy once in analogue:
his empire is listing,
but no less glistening.

 
copyright 2021 erthona

[Knot]

.
Hi Dale,
(because of the title) I tried to make this fit the rhythm of the original, but couldn't. That feels like a missed opportunity.
Regardless, it does need to be stronger/more consistent metrically, I think.

Couple of thoughts.

Repeat the first line at the end of each verse, and switch the order of verses 2 and 3.

'bum' seems .... odd (given the context. In this world wouldn't bum be a tramp or hobo?)

the catalog/analogue couplet is weak (relatively sepaking).

The two 'nows' (S3, L2 an L3) jar.


Best, Knot


.

[CRNDLSM]

My first thought was a bob Dylan reference, but maybe you're referencing who he referenced who I'm not familiar with..  but the mood would probably fit both and many more.  In the case it's a bob Dylan poem I like how the middle block of words has all the rhymes, but I would want the first and third blocks to have the same rhyme scheme, and if its a Dylan reference I could see this going on for 10 more blocks of rhymes.  By blocks I mean strophe/stanzas.

Mr. Tambourine Man

He sings his old songs 
with his raspy new voice
as though he had a choice.
Just the delusion of freedom 
without commitment.
He's not sitting on his bum
though the Sun's no longer blistering. I feel like this is a specific reference I'm not picking up.  I just hear jingle jangle mornings.

He sings his old songs
by secret triplet count
his emotion all run out,
what was it all about?
It's just like coming out,
there's no need to shout
when everyone is listening. Even though I like the excessive rhyming I think the order here diminishes the meaning of it.  Maybe longer lines would help stretch the rhymes out and give each rhyme more impact

He sings his old songs
though they all are now sold
just like them now he's old
he has nowhere to belong;
maybe reads his catalog
a copy once in analogue: these two lines together (catalog/analogue) aren't coherent to me, maybe I don't know what a 'copy' is.
his empire is listing, I really like this line.
but no less glistening.

 
copyright 2021 erthona

Thanks for sharing

[Erthona]

Thanks guys,

Yes it is about Dylan. It is about  his recent selling off of his catalogue. When he wrote most of his famous songs were recorded in analogue not digital.
His body of works is his empire.
"(because of the title) I tried to make this fit the rhythm of the original, but couldn't. That feels like a missed opportunity.
Regardless, it does need to be stronger/more consistent metrically, I think." KNOT

In terms of the pattern, it is based loosely on lines like these:

"Take me on a trip
upon your magic swirling ship
My senses have been stripped
My hands can't feel to grip

    -or-

Though I know that evening's empire
has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand,

Loosely is the key word I had heard the song recently and was basing it off of what I had heard rather than looking at the lyrics. A bit of arrogance on my part to be sure. So, it is not an attempt to replicate the whole song (that would be brutal) just a part.

"Repeat the first line at the end of each verse, and switch the order of verses 2 and 3." KNOT
Good idea, but switching verses wouldn't work for me, I need the

"his empire is listing,
but no less glistening."

as the closing part.

As for the lines, I begin each stanza with "He sings his old songs" which is somewhat Dylan like. Also the last line of the stanza rhymes with the other last lines.  "blistering" listening" "glistening" so I think not that dissimilar to what you are suggesting. I do however recognize the form you are speaking of (can't remember the name off-hand, one of those Italian forms i think), and I have written some poems in that form, however my efforts always felt too contrived. Good thoughts though. 

"though the Sun's no longer blistering. I feel like this is a specific reference I'm not picking up.  I just hear jingle jangle mornings."  CRNDLSM

"bum' seems .... odd (given the context. In this world wouldn't bum be a tramp or hobo?)" KNOT
This relates to Dylan's avoidance of the spotlight. The fandom has lessened, yet he is still not avoiding it. Its his come hither go away foible. He avoids direct with his fans, but still craves the spotlight.   "bum" here means ass/bottom/butt.

"a copy once in analogue: these two lines together (catalog/analogue) aren't coherent to me, maybe I don't know what a 'copy' is." CRNDLSM
"the catalog/analogue couplet is weak (relatively speaking)." KNOT

A copy of his music which once would have been recorded in analogue, although I am guilty of forcing the rhyme, so good point.

Once again thanks for the comments guys, they are much appreciated.

best,

dale