A Requiem for a thought
#1
This chord sung in our chorus
With dead notes to ensure us
That the measures towards the clue
Render any lyric untrue

There is embellishment in thought
Reverberating through the strings I sought
And in precious, twisted melodies
Away from the music that the world sees

Muting the noise of mouths unheard
Straining my ears to ignore the hurt
While the soundless echo of my heart
Resonates with pain while falling apart

I know I suffer from this condition known as "rithimomania", which is a word I just made up and means I have this annoying, but very persistent need to rhyme in my poems, even if it makes it a lot worse. I am trying to cure myself from this somewhat, but it's a work in progress.
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#2
I feel that this condition is going to serve you well. It's a "gift"

I didn't put a period on purpose.

I read the poem. And I'm commenting on your declared insecurity.

I'm like that, you see.

The poem has some strong points, added by your condition. I'm going to talk about this.
But, I'm doing something else right now.

My # 1 post is saying: Don't deny the gift, or return it to the store. Sharpen it.


You used rhyme very well, in the one instance I remember, right off the bat.

I work better is discourse. So talk and I'll talk

You can get your rhythm and rhyme to foster your poetic logic.

That also occurred to me.

You aren't far from that.
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#3
(06-08-2021, 06:21 AM)ZonaIncerta Wrote:  This chord sung in our chorus
With dead notes to unsure us                 what about “disconcert us”?
That the measures towards the clue        “towards the clue” leaves me blank
Render any lyric untrue

There is embellishment in thought
Reverberating through the strings I sought
And in precious, twisted melodies              “precious, twisted” is overdoing it
Away from the music that the world sees    don’t think you need first “the”

Muting the noise of mouths unheard
Straining my ears to ignore the hurt
While the soundless echo of my heart
Resonates with pain while falling apart         “while falling apart” feels too familiar too used

I know I suffer from this condition known as "rithimomania", which is a word I just made up and means I have this annoying, but very persistent need to rhyme in my poems, even if it makes it a lot worse. I am trying to cure myself from this somewhat, but it's a work in progress.

Despite all my nitpicking, I enjoyed the poem.  I am not a fan of rhyme or wasn’t until I read more of it in Pig Pen.  Your rhyming is intense as I think rowers said.  That’s good.  sorry the way this looks i’m having to use a damn phone.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#4
Thank you both for your feedback, both for my rhyming in general as for the poem. I see now that I made a typo in the second line, which was meant to say "ensure" not "unsure" (I don't think "to unsure" is even an actual verb), so I don't think "disconcert" is applicable here. Will try to take the rest to heart and edit a bit in the near future.
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#5
(06-08-2021, 06:21 AM)ZonaIncerta Wrote:  This chord sung in our chorus
With dead notes to ensure us
That the measures towards the clue
Render any lyric untrue   On my first read though, I got a big sense of mystery in vibe surrounding this stanza. The rhyme is solid, and sets up a sense of curiosity that draws you in. 

There is embellishment in thought   Loving the music vocabulary
Reverberating through the strings I sought   
And in precious, twisted melodies
Away from the music that the world sees   I feel like this idea is interesting, but could me a little more concrete. My Mind wonders, ideas like "music the world values, maybe a reference to the popular music industry? It could be a little more definite ex: Away from music that's traveled across seas."

Muting the noise of mouths unheard
Straining my ears to ignore the hurt   Awesome line and sentiment
While the soundless echo of my heart
Resonates with pain while falling apart   Music as emotional validation is what ties us all together.

I know I suffer from this condition known as "rithimomania", which is a word I just made up and means I have this annoying, but very persistent need to rhyme in my poems, even if it makes it a lot worse. I am trying to cure myself from this somewhat, but it's a work in progress.

I wish I had more constructive comments, but just loved the theme of this poem aton. Awesome idea! Thanks for the post
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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