The Strangest Thing - Edit 1.0 (Tranquility)
#1
The strangest thing (Edit 1.0 - Tranquility)

From the bus stop we walk home,
giant canopies sheltering us,
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic,
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.

The jasmine bush, constellated,
holds white stars. Orange stems 
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold, 
rising or setting it holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inouye*

in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend.

How can we pretend,
find comfort in cakes and tea 
with eternity knocking at our door?

Water rippled
on the lake’s face,
cold in the shadow
of a supernatural wing.

Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira?**

* https://nso.edu/telescopes/dki-solar-telescope/
** https://iskcondesiretree.com/profiles/bl...pada-swami

Original


The strangest thing 

From the bus stop we walk home
down streets as avenues:
giant canopies sheltering us,
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic,
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.

The jasmine bush, constellated,
holds white stars. Orange stems 
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold, rising or setting
it holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inoyue
in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend.

How can we pretend,
find comfort in cakes and tea 
with eternity knocking at our door?

Water rippled
on the lake’s face, cold in the shadow 
of a supernatural wing.
Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira?


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#2
(05-24-2021, 07:03 AM)busker Wrote:  The strangest thing 

From the bus stop we walk home
down streets as avenues:
giant canopies sheltering us,
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic,                   I like use of Mesozoic; but should it be "of the Mesozoic"? 
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.

The jasmine bush, constellated,
holds white stars. Orange stems 
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold,          Mexican marigold (I think it's same plant) has a nicer rhythym
rising or settingit holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inoyue
in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend.

How can we pretend,
find comfort in cakes and tea 
with eternity knocking at our door?

Water rippled
on the lake’s face, cold in the shadow 
of a supernatural wing.
Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira?

I like the whole poem, but especially the last stanza.  I was a little puzzled how we got from walking a street to crunching orange stems. 

It's almost like four poems in one.

 I could not figure out the Inoyue reference however.  A couple of suggested changes above.  Second line seems superfluous, since you mention streets again later.  I moved "rising and setting" to next line.

The more I read it, the more I like, always a good sign.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#3
Thanks, Tranquility. I like your changes.
The poem does wander around a bit and I'm not quite satisfied with it (rhyme unintended). I think it'll be revised into a finished product at some point in the future.
Inoyue should be spelled Inouye. A solar telescope. http://www.sci-news.com/astronomy/inouye...08067.html
The orange and burnt red pictures of sunspots are really computer generated. What is reality?
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#4
.
Hi busker,
better for the revision, I think (and thanks for the links)
Didn't find 'strangest thing' in that lake of death tale, but 'wonderful thing' (are they the same thing?)
I agree with TqB, that this reads like more than one poem, the first (S1-2) and second (S3-6) parts don't really come together, for me.


From the bus stop we walk home,
giant canopies sheltering us, ......................... don't think you need the comma, the us continues with timid, doesn't it?
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic, .............. like TqB, I also wonder why 'in' not 'of' (especially as you've a second 'in' on the next line, and again in the last line.
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.............................'cave' is a bit odd for a hermit crab. Are the blinds and crabs adding anything (or am I just being dense)?

The jasmine bush, constellated, .....................'constellated' rather suggests 'stars'
holds white stars. Orange stems ................... (Galaxies of Jasmine bushes/ orange stems crunching / )
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold,
rising or setting it holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inouye* ............ perhaps switch the emphasis of these lines

in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend. ....... not really following this, the change in voice.

How can we pretend
find comfort in cakes and tea
with eternity knocking at our door? .............. like the contrast of tea and cakes with eternity, but it's starting to feel like a separate poem.

Water rippled
on the lake’s face,
cold in the shadow
of a supernatural wing. ................... why is this past tense? Definitely a separate poem Smile

Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira? ...................... the proximity of Inouye and Yudishthira I found problematic, expecting both to be from the same source.


From the bus stop we walk home
beneath giant canopies, timid
plant eaters of the Mesozoic,
sheltering in the suburban afternoon

the autumnal sun looks orange
a Guatemalan marigold rising,
setting, marvellous when seen
through the eyes of Inouye.

O Yudishthira
Of all the things men do
tell me what is the most wonderful?



Best, Knot




.
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#5
Hello Knot
Some wonderfully perceptive feedback
The three “ins”, the superfluous “stars” and the comma are small but impactful changes
It is two poems at the moment, unfortunately. The bridge is missing. Will need more work there.
The “wonderful” should really read “wondrous” in the linked article provided. Puzzling more than admirable, in other words.
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