The African Plain (edit)

[TranquillityBase]

It's not the leopards,
black panthers, lunar parrots,
spider monkeys, polar bears,
not the repulsive wisdom of the reptiles
nor even sad reciprocal stare of the old orangutan
that cause me to linger.
It's the dusty and barren backlot corrals
that hold my early morning attention,
where ostriches and gazelle, peacocks and llamas
circle beneath cottonwoods
inside aisles of chainlink fence, 
among dung, fetid water troughs and pale green hay
scattered in the closeted dust.
I want to settle here, to squat immobile
next to my captives from many continents
meditating on the futility of this Ark,
an unbelieving Noah
and the zoo's least popular exhibit.

It's not the leopards,
black panthers, lunar parrots,
spider monkeys, polar bears,
or even the repulsive wisdom of the reptiles
that cause me to linger.
It's the dusty and barren backlot corrals
where ostriches and gazelle, peacocks and llamas
wander beneath cottonwoods
along aisles of chainlink fence,
dung and fetid water troughs,
pale green hay scattered by their aimless shuffle
that hold my early morning attention.
I want to settle down here,
to squat listlessly
beside my herds from many continents
like some bored Noah
meditating on the futility of the Ark;
the zoo's newest exhibit:
Homo Indifferens.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB,
switch the last line for the title, and add some more 'dung' elements. (Should the 'hay' be 'straw'?)


Homo Indifferens.


It's not the leopards,
black panthers, lunar parrots,
spider monkeys, polar bears,
or even the repulsive wisdom of the reptiles...............more of this please, (less lists?)
that cause me to linger.

It's but the dusty and barren backlot corrals
where ostriches and gazelle, peacocks and llamas
wander beneath cottonwoods.....................................anything more interesting/dull than wander? plod?
along aisles of chainlink fence,
dung and fetid water troughs,

pale green hay scattered by their aimless shuffle
that hold my early morning attention.
I want to settle down here,
to squat beside my herds from many continents
like some bored Noah
meditating listlessly on the futility

of the this Ark; the zoo's
newest exhibit:




Best, Knot


.

[Leaf]

Great stuff, TqB. I'll return at some point to look it over properly, if you like 

[Bunx]

This is a fun poem, I caught myself lost in a particular thought / imagery of where this poem is describing. The thought being how man-kind has dictated so the paths so many species travel, including ourselves. This poem really got the wheels turning haha. I feel like the theme I'm drawing is the nature of existence (on earth) and how we are all animals at the end of the day.

Fun poem indeed,
thanks for the read.

Bunx

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-
This is an interesting read.
I guess since us humans live in a zoo of our own making, we feel justified in putting wild creatures in a zoo, too. I can never look a caged animal in the eyes.

It's not the leopards,
black panthers, lunar parrots,
spider monkeys, polar bears, maybe tighten up the list a bit
or even the repulsive wisdom of the reptiles
that cause me to linger.
It's the dusty and barren backlot corrals
where ostriches and gazelle, peacocks and llamas
wander beneath cottonwoods
along aisles of chainlink fence,
dung and fetid water troughs,
pale green hay scattered by their aimless shuffle
that hold my early morning attention. really cool section, this
I want to settle down here,
to squat listlessly
beside my herds from many continents
like some bored Noah
meditating on the futility of this Ark;
as the zoo's newest exhibit.


Homo Indifferens  As Knot suggested, this last line would make a good title

The immediacy of the piece makes it sound like a recent trip to the zoo, and the phrase "bored Noah meditating on the futility" speaks from the perspective of an older person (like me).  I can relate to that feeling of sometimes feeling caged, without a reasonable means of escape.

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks everyone.

Definitely going with Knot (and Mark's seconding) on last line as title.

This is something I wrote while living in Albuquerque many years ago, so I'm gratified it still feels fresh.

I will have to search my memory (already started) for more detail.  In particular I now remember a sad and solemn orangutuan we always visited.

As zoos go, the Albuquerque Zoo is about as humane as it gets, but I can't say I ever enjoy seeing animals in captivity.  I was willing to go strictly for the kids.  But I did find comfort in those back lots where the animals did not seem so imprisoned.

[busker]

As a sensory poem it does a fine job. Dung and fetid water trough....yup, I can see it all. Smell it.
But the allusion to Noah makes it that much more interesting
Knot’s suggestion to make the last line the title is a great one. It does sound a lot better to end the poem on “exhibit”

[RiverNotch]

adding to knot's, it is the end that gets a little awkward. here's my suggestion:

I want to settle here, beside my herds
like some bored Noah,
meditating on the futility....

of something else. a je ne sais pas that would have to replace the business that you'd rightly move to the top. personally I like lists, so if you were to add more maybe bulk up that list too xD

> As zoos go, the Albuquerque Zoo is about as humane as it gets, but I can't say I ever enjoy seeing animals in captivity.  I was willing to go strictly for the kids.  But I did find comfort in those back lots where the animals did not seem so imprisoned.

As a kid, I loved zoos, but at some point -- really, college -- I learned to dislike them, to be uncomfortable in them. The kid in me still enjoys visiting especially well-maintained zoos, but---well, the unease is perhaps best encapsulated by that which we read in college, Eco's essay "Travels in Hyperreality". Give it a read.

The poem sorta echoes it, but then there's the allusion to Noah, which isn't in Eco but might as well have been. I see it as a reflection on the hubris of man, in this case over the ecological disaster we ourselves have hoist upon us -- an indictment, if you will, of the one thing about zoos Eco wasn't able to address, at least so far as I remember.

A good reflection, just to be clear xD

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-

You wrote, earlier, "This is something I wrote while living in Albuquerque many years ago, so I'm gratified it still feels fresh. I will have to search my memory (already started) for more detail."

Yes, it is still fresh, and you seem to imply that a revision may be coming. Soon?

Thanks,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Hey Tim- 

You wrote, earlier, "This is something I wrote while living in Albuquerque many years ago, so I'm gratified it still feels fresh. I will have to search my memory (already started) for more detail."

Yes, it is still fresh, and you seem to imply that a revision may be coming. Soon?

Thanks,
Mark

Mark, thanks for the nudge.  My to-do list for today: pick up prescription at Walgreens, mow grass, revise African Plain.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB,
it don't think the edits has really improved the piece. Too tame, and it no longer reads as well as the original did. Out of curiosity, do you read your poems aloud? I find it helps.

Still an issue with hay (or straw), one is fodder (which doesn't really work with the image you're drawing) the other is bedding (which, arguably, does).

The different types of lists (L1-3 vs L4-5) don't work that well together (pick a side and stick to it )

'reciprocal' seems to give away the 'exhibit' ending .

How do things 'circle' in 'aisles'?

'meditating' amongst 'captives' seems a bit odd (and 'meditating' is a bit heavy handed).

Noah gives you Ark, and vice versa (and when taken with zoo the three seem to be one element too many)

Did you decide to change the title?

It's not the black panthers,

spider monkeys, lunar parrots

or polar bears

that cause me to linger.

nor even sad reciprocal stares .............. (reproachful stares ? black-eyed accusations / of orangutan ?)

of the orangutan enclosure

But the barren backlot; dusty

corrals of ostrich and gazelle,

peacocks, llamas ........................ (description of movement perhaps, or the sound of the peacocks here?

......................................................Wondered about dry-mouthed llamas)

beneath tall cottonwoods

aisles of chainlink fence, dung,

flies and fetid water troughs

and scatterings of pale green straw

in the closeted dust. I want to settle here, ..........you've already told us it's 'dusty' - 'closeted dust' adds nothing.

to squat immobile

an unbelieving Noah

and this Ark's least popular exhibit. .........maybe 'attraction' for 'exhibit'?

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

.
Hi TqB,
it don't think the edits has really improved the piece. Too tame, and it no longer reads as well as the original did. Out of curiosity, do you read your poems aloud? I find it helps.

Still an issue with hay (or straw), one is fodder (which doesn't really work with the image you're drawing) the other is bedding (which, arguably, does).
definitely fodder, but I have an idea how to fix that confusion
The different types of lists (L1-3 vs L4-5) don't work that well together (pick a side and stick to it )
please let me keep my lists!

'reciprocal' seems to give away the 'exhibit' ending .

How do things 'circle' in 'aisles'?
I think the chainlink fence is going to be taken down
'meditating' amongst 'captives' seems a bit odd (and 'meditating' is a bit heavy handed).

Noah gives you Ark, and vice versa (and when taken with zoo the three seem to be one element too many)

Did you decide to change the title?
Yes, I've fallen out of love with "Homo Indifferens", but haven't thought of a better one.  If I'm pondering "futility", then I'm not indifferent to what I'm seeing, or can I be both?

It's not the black panthers,

spider monkeys, lunar parrots

or polar bears

that cause me to linger.

nor even sad reciprocal stares .............. (reproachful stares ? black-eyed accusations / of orangutan ?)

of the orangutan enclosure

But the barren backlot; dusty

corrals of ostrich and gazelle,

peacocks, llamas ........................ (description of movement perhaps, or the sound of the peacocks here?

......................................................Wondered about dry-mouthed llamas)

beneath tall cottonwoods

aisles of chainlink fence, dung,

flies and fetid water troughs              thanks for reminding me, yes, definitely

and scatterings of pale green straw

in the closeted dust. I want to settle here, ..........you've already told us it's 'dusty' - 'closeted dust' adds nothing.  yep

to squat immobile

an unbelieving Noah

and this Ark's least popular exhibit. .........maybe 'attraction' for 'exhibit'?    O yes, "attraction" is going in.

"flies.

Thanks Knot.  I always feel like Basil Rathbone to your Errol Flynn when I read your critiques.  But your suggestions as noted are very helpful if sometimes disagreeable    Anyway, back to the poem I shall go.  Problem with my revisions I think is I tend to add rather than subtract or clarify.

[Knot]

.

Hi TqB.

Yes, I've fallen out of love with "Homo Indifferens", but haven't thought of a better one. If I'm pondering "futility", then I'm not indifferent to what I'm seeing, or can I be both?

I think you could be both, while the individual might not be indifferent, the species could be said to be.

(I suppose one could also argue that pondering without acting is indistinguishable from indifference, and 'immobile' rather supports that view).

I do think there's merit in a title that reflects a zoological description (rather than 'futility' which does not).

I always feel like Basil Rathbone to your Errol Flynn

How dare you sir! didn't Mr. Rathbone claim that he (being the trained fencer) could have killed Flynn whenever he wished (or something to that effect?)

Or is that just your subconscious peeping out? How about, me Rathbone, you Bruce?  ... Laurel and Hardy? ... Kong and Wray?

Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-
The problem with lists comes when the items lack descriptors. You have a few, yet need more.  Though you are well aware of my fondeness for short form, and editing down, your piece requires the fullness it deserves:  I really want to see, hear, and smell those animals.   

The shopping list says:
- spinach
- avocadoes
- squash

Examples of what's at the store:
#1:
-lifeless, smashed clumps of stale bagged spinach
-rock hard avocadoes
-limp, wrinkly squash

#2:
-succulent, plump, fresh smelling green spinach
-slightly squishy, ripe avocadoes
-firm, glistening, green and yellow squash

Which would you buy?

I want to buy-in, Tim.  Add to your lists, and use pictures you took if you still have em. Go for it, and go BIG,
Mark