Ozymandias
#1
Ozymandias

I laid down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.


©2021 erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#2
(05-09-2021, 11:15 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ozymandias

I laid down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.

Last line seems too long?  Would a simple "For soon I would rot." work.  dead and rot seem redundant.  Really like the basic image, that important idea, where do I lay my head.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#3
(05-09-2021, 11:15 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ozymandias

I laid down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.


©2021 erthona

Short and sweet, I do think the title should be changed because I think this poem is based on a famous one by Shelly but still. And I agree with the latter it the last line seems to be too long.
Reply
#4
Thanks for the comments and giving it a read. The flower bed is symbolic of the person's riches. It is written in iambs; three four foot line (iambic tetrameter) and one line of trimeter for emphasis. I guess it didn't work so well as I hoped.

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
.
Hi Dale,
I also have reservations about the title, but like that jaunty last line
and the 'old fashioned' (for want of a compliment) tone.
This has something of those early anonymous verses the one finds
in (particularly) large anthologies of Western poetry.

That double d, laid down, makes me stumble.
Any alternative to the two 'mys'?

Just a thought

De-composition

I lie upon this flowered bed
yet find no place to rest my head
although this matters not
for dead am I and soon will rot.


Best, Knot


.
Reply
#6
knot,

That's a nice rewrite, very punchy.

I guess I could change it to Neo-Ozymandias, but that seemed a bit wordy. Or maybe
Ozzy-man-dias. It's basically about trying to be immortal in the present day. A way to hide from fear. Oh well!

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#7
(05-13-2021, 06:37 PM)Erthona Wrote:  It's basically about trying to be immortal in the present day.

But that title just leads straight back to Shelley, there's nothing of the 'present day' here.

Influencer ?
Reply
#8
Knot,

Well I guess you're right, I forget what I originally had.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#9
(05-09-2021, 11:15 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ozymandias

I laid down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.


©2021 erthona

The idea of making l3 a foot short is interesting - saves the poem from regularity such as (please pardon another rewrite)

I lay down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course to me it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.

I was amused by the thought of Ozymandias the Great seeking a place to rest his "shattered visage" which had become separated from his trunk.  Presumably left where the level sands lie, not in the present garden.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#10
(05-09-2021, 11:15 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ozymandias

I laid down in my flower bed
but found nowhere to place my head.
Of course it mattered not,
for I was dead and soon would rot.

it says what it says. it doesn't seem like the kind of piece to dissect any more than emotionally, not if one wants to have any fun -- i take it literally, which feels like a compliment to the poet. the last line feels too obvious, but my opinion on that might change, so for now these neutrally-delivered alternatives:

for soon I'd rot
for I was soon to rot

and so on.
Reply
#11
Thanks for the critique Duke and RiverNotch, sorry I failed to note it until now. Your thoughts are always appreciated.

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!