The Primitive Church
#1
Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, should I even do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
Leave to squabble with my dilemma.
Must I work in a church?
Reply
#2
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, why should I do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral,
the place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, but would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known  into a bottle 
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were  this was
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
So I continue to squabble with my dilemma...............
Must I work in a church?

Majestic, some minor suggestions.  The ........... is because I think you need a better ending.  You need to let the reader know how this ends.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#3
(05-09-2021, 07:44 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, why should I do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral,
the place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, but would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known  into a bottle 
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were  this was
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
So I continue to squabble with my dilemma...............
Must I work in a church?

Majestic, some minor suggestions.  The ........... is because I think you need a better ending.  You need to let the reader know how this ends.

I thought I made the ending clear, is it about whether or not I should work in a church?
Reply
#4
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing,
and I don’t mean as a way to God. 
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper,
but with no pay, should I even do it? I know you're questioning this but why are you passionate about sweeping?  Apparently it's a blessing but I don't know how unless it's a way to God.
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else? Are you considering literally any other kind of work?  Anything specific that would be a blessing without being a way to God?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known do you have a specific genie in mind?   Do you mean in a cloud of smoke?
that I want to work somewhere else.vagaries get kind of boring
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were hard to commit to a line of work sure, looking for jobs that are kind of easy maybe?
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
Leave to squabble with my dilemma.
Must I work in a church? Must is kind of urgent, how urgent is the desire for heaven, I like the open ending, if you've asked the questions they're never really answered, but I don't like all the questioning

Thanks for sharing, I feel like I've had this conversation in my own mind, sometimes your punctuation drives me crazy but everyone here seems to forgive my laziness in that department so maybe it's just your thing.  I dunno, I'm interested to see what you do to it,
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#5
(05-09-2021, 08:24 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  I thought I made the ending clear, is it about whether or not I should work in a church?

I guess I meant specifically a different last line:

So I continue to squabble with my dilemma
like a broom without a handle.

Strictly throwing that out as an example.  I'm sure you can come up with something more relevant to your poem.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#6
(05-09-2021, 10:49 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(05-09-2021, 08:24 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  I thought I made the ending clear, is it about whether or not I should work in a church?

I guess I meant specifically a different last line:

So I continue to squabble with my dilemma
like a broom without a handle.

Strictly throwing that out as an example.  I'm sure you can come up with something more relevant to your poem.

What do you mean something more relevant?
Reply
#7
"Relevant" was a bad word choice.

Something more interesting than "Must I work in a church?"  An image or comparison that portrays your dilemma.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#8
(05-10-2021, 09:51 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  "Relevant" was a bad word choice.

Something more interesting than "Must I work in a church?"  An image or comparison that portrays your dilemma.

Alright, and yes relevant was a bad word choice.
Reply
#9
Your welcome.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#10
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, should I even do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
Leave to squabble with my dilemma.
Must I work in a church?

For me the poem begins at the beginning of the highlighted text. You can imply the first few sentences with the rest of the poem. Otherwise it may come across as redundant, such as the concept of blessing or wanting to be blessed, which feels repetitive. I like the heart of it, though...sort of that first day on the job feeling, or first time to start something that will become an important aspect of your life. And it seems as if you are counting the cost, so to speak. It reads better, though, if you explain it indirectly instead of directly.

Matthew
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#11
(05-15-2021, 03:04 AM)newmystic Wrote:  
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, should I even do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
Leave to squabble with my dilemma.
Must I work in a church?

For me the poem begins at the beginning of the highlighted text. You can imply the first few sentences with the rest of the poem. Otherwise it may come across as redundant, such as the concept of blessing or wanting to be blessed, which feels repetitive. I like the heart of it, though...sort of that first day on the job feeling, or first time to start something that will become an important aspect of your life. And it seems as if you are counting the cost, so to speak. It reads better, though, if you explain it indirectly instead of directly.

Matthew

Yes that works! Thanks Matthew, I feel that the beginning line isn't necessary.
Reply
#12
(05-15-2021, 03:04 AM)newmystic Wrote:  
(05-09-2021, 04:30 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  Working at church would be a blessing.
And I don’t mean as a way to God.
I’d rather work long hours as a sweeper.
But with no pay, should I even do it?
I feel that passion is the key to working.
Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere else?
But being blessed my God would startle
my soul, would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come hard.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie in a musical, let that be known
that I want to work somewhere else.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else
would I be side swiping the job like it were
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway.
So, I wouldn’t need to work in a church.
Leave to squabble with my dilemma.
Must I work in a church?

For me the poem begins at the beginning of the highlighted text. You can imply the first few sentences with the rest of the poem. Otherwise it may come across as redundant, such as the concept of blessing or wanting to be blessed, which feels repetitive. I like the heart of it, though...sort of that first day on the job feeling, or first time to start something that will become an important aspect of your life. And it seems as if you are counting the cost, so to speak. It reads better, though, if you explain it indirectly instead of directly.

Matthew

Here is a revision of the poem I made, hope it works well now.

Once I was at the entrance of the cathedral.
The place was pale yellow and brown
with several crosses on the top.
The woman, an Abesha, asked me if I
wanted the job, I said sure but I thought
why not work somewhere where Jesus will listen?
God would startle my soul.
But would I go to heaven easier?
Let it be known that becoming a servant
to God takes years, so I assume
this job would come easy.
But the unholy me wants to disappear
like a genie into a bottle, let that be known
that I’d rather work as a clerk in a variety store.
 
But if I were to work somewhere else,
would I be side swiping my job like this was
Tinder? I think life blesses me anyway
Leave to squabble with my dilemma
Must I work in a church?
Or must I remember that I am secretly
a servant to God? That I must work in the
church and not complain like a naked baby?
Perhaps I’d like their contact information.
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