Jenny Dear

[waitingforgodet]

Good morning, sweet, sweet Jenny Dear.
My anticipation mounts as the time draws near

when we'll be in each other's arms again;
I, to be sure, so fortunate, rarest of men,

for I'll be the one kissing you and delighting in your luscious body--,
ah, the sanctity of you, your delicious scent, and all things naughty

that we'll do to each other and hunger for more.
Yes, Jenny Dear, we'll be each other's delectable whore
.
Can my life get any better?
It is you, Jenny Dear who inspires me to put these words in a letter.
.
Although our time together will be short, it'll be a glorious respite,
captured in a fragile moment, our hearts desperate

to share love and this exquisite yet ephemeral madness.
And when I leave you, Jenny Dear, I'll suffer again until your husband’s next absence.

[billy]

for me the the end rhymes work though some of them are slant.

that said the flow of the poem doesn't, it feels jerky, which boils down to intermittent meter change
on each line. the couplets as a whole (apart from the first and possibly the 4th) feel weak and full of cliché.
for me the poem needs a strong edit to leave only the barest of what you have.

please forgive me if the feedback offends, that is never my intention.

thanks for the read jim

[addy]

I quite liked this... though is it wrong that I felt creeped out by the beginning lines? LOL (I know that's definitely not the intention... guess I've read too many stuff where innocent obsession is turned sinister, so it's made me paranoid haha )

[waitingforgodet]

for me the the end rhymes work though some of them are slant.

that said the flow of the poem doesn't, it feels jerky, which boils down to intermittent meter change
on each line. the couplets as a whole (apart from the first and possibly the 4th) feel weak and full of cliché.
for me the poem needs a strong edit to leave only the barest of what you have.

please forgive me if the feedback offends, that is never my intention.

thanks for the read jim

Thanks for the feedback, Billy; actually, the poem was intented to be archaic, not clichesh, of course, with a twist at the end--but if you would, please, show me what you think is cliche and weak--jim

[billy]

Good morning, sweet, sweet Jenny Dear.
My anticipation mountscliché as the time draws near

when we'll be in each other's arms again; cliché
I, to be sure, so fortunate, rarest of men,

for I'll be the one kissing you cliché and delighting in your luscious body--,
ah, the sanctity of you, your delicious scent, cliché and all things naughty

that we'll do to each other and hunger for more.cliché
Yes, Jenny Dear, we'll be each other's delectable whore
.
Can my life get any better?
It is you, Jenny Dear who inspires me to put these words in a letter.cliché
.
Although our time together will be short,cliché it'll be a glorious respite,
captured in a fragile moment, cliché our hearts desperate

to share love and this exquisite yet ephemeral madness.
And when I leave you, Jenny Dear, I'll suffer again until your husband’s next absence.verging on cliché except for husband.

jmo of course. (all of these phrases i've heard many times before (apart from the jenny dear.)

[waitingforgodet]

I quite liked this... though is it wrong that I felt creeped out by the beginning lines? LOL (I know that's definitely not the intention... guess I've read too many stuff where innocent obsession is turned sinister, so it's made me paranoid haha )

thanks addy, yes, if cheating can be called sinister, then it is a sinister poem--the last line, of course, indicates that. But tell me how you knew from the first lines, please--jim

[addy]

thanks addy, yes, if cheating can be called sinister, then it is a sinister poem--the last line, of course, indicates that. But tell me how you knew from the first lines, please--jim

There was nothing that inherently gave it away, really... like I said, I've probably read too much cynical stuff where if the story starts out too sweet and pleasant, it's a sign that things are bound not to go well LOL