The long furlough (edit 1)
#1
Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
   up
then
   down
the drive.

One afternoon last December
he tried to plod
   up
the drive
   all the way to the bus stop --

only to find
his feet took him
   down
the drive
again.

"It's a shame,"
   he said.
"I was looking forward to the bus."


Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
   up
then
   down
the drive.

One afternoon last December
he tried plodding
   up
the drive
   and all the way to the bus stop

only to find 
his feet took him
   down
the drive
again.

"It's a shame.
I was looking forward to the bus,"
   he said.
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#2
Hey leaf-

Interesting short one...

Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
  up
then
  down
the drive.

One afternoon last December
he tried plodding  not sure of this line
  up
the drive
  and all the way to the bus stop

only to find
his feet took him back
  down
the drive
yet again. 

"It's a shame," he said,
I was looking forward to the bus."  ending on "he said" didn't work for me

I think this one is better for the "Poetry for Fun" forum, as it is a fun one.  I very much like that it seems that Mick is really trying to avoid catching the bus.  A slight clue as to why he's avoiding the bus would help- just a very slight clue.  "Three times daily" implies an effort to overcome some type of fear, yet there's not enough to show why he can't overcome "robot-body-syndrome."

Or, it could be that he sort of tries, but always winds up missing the bus, 3x365 times, or over 1,000 times a year (for reasons that are very unclear).  That's a whole lot of missing the bus, making the poem pretty unrealistic, yet humorous...

Thanks for the read,
Mark
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#3
Hi Mark,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this one too.

I haven't found the 'Poetry for Fun' forum yet; I'll have to take a look.

Thanks for all your suggestions; I've tweaked S2 and S5, but I've left S4 for now. That's because Mick's attempt to catch the bus was an isolated incident, as he's on furlough. I hoped the title might set the scene a bit, but perhaps not. Ah well.

I like the idea of someone managing to miss a bus so often; I suppose that would be due to a phobia.

Perhaps my poetry isn't good enough for this site yet? That's no problem at all; I'll just have a go somewhere else :-)

All best,
Leaf
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#4
Wow leaf-
BASIC is just that, and there’s absolutely no reason to quit this forum.
ALL poetry is rarely “good enough” for the poet, but that is certainly not a “good enough” reason to leave.
C’mon, stick around, and keep writing.
Seeking and considering constructive criticism is necessary at ANY level.
Hey, you’re sticking with the ‘poem-a-day’, so you can’t quit.
Poetry is hard work, and if you only want readers to congratulate you for your poems there are plenty of places you may find that.
I suspect you want to learn, so stay, and do that.
OK?
... Mark
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#5
As a relative newbie, I want to second what Mark said, but add, there is a learning curve with the forum.  I'm as thin skinned as they come, but this forum has been nothing but good for me.  I don't always, maybe even rarely, agree with some of the comments, but I go away and come back and read them again and study them anyway.  

It's important to show other people your poems.  It's not important if they like them or not.  But I'm starting to rant, so....

p.s. explore the other threads and smaple some of the poems.  you will see yours in a different light, i promise.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#6
Hi Mark and TqB,

Thanks for your replies. Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as a quitter; I just had some sort of brain blip and forgot where I was for a mo.

Yes, I do want to learn and I'll certainly do a bit of exploring (that should help me remember where I am, heh).

All best,
Leaf
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#7
(04-12-2021, 03:09 AM)Leaf Wrote:  Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
   up
then
   down
the drive.

One afternoon last December
he tried to plod
   up
the drive
   all the way to the bus stop --

only to find
his feet took him
   down
the drive
again.

"It's a shame,"
   he said.
"I was looking forward to the bus."


Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
   up
then
   down
the drive.

One afternoon last December
he tried plodding
   up
the drive
   and all the way to the bus stop

only to find 
his feet took him
   down
the drive
again.

"It's a shame.
I was looking forward to the bus,"
   he said.

I like it leaf
Sums up how so many have been living for so long
The monotony taking over so much of their beings that people forget how to act for themselves
Even to the point where they find themselves back home without questioning why they haven't exercised free will (apprehension possibly)
The humour lightens the sentiment (and makes it great, for me) but the message is clear to see
Gave me a chuckle
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#8
One small note from across the Atlantic: to most Americans (I think; Mark can correct me if I'm exaggerating), a "drive" is where we park our cars, as in "driveway"; so I was confused about that.  We'd call it a "street".

What Churchill(?) said:  two countries divided by a common language.....
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#9
Thanks for the like, newbie, and welcome to PigPen btw. I'd forgotten about this one, lol. I'm pleased that you get what it's about and had a chuckle. It's good to chuckle Thumbsup

TqB, thanks for the small note. Yes, a drive is a driveway here too. It's a long drive and good for pacing. Mick's still pacing now.

Sorry I haven't been active on here lately; lots of projects on at the mo.
All best,
Leaf
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