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Joined: Mar 2021
Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
up
then
down
the drive.
One afternoon last December
he tried to plod
up
the drive
all the way to the bus stop --
only to find
his feet took him
down
the drive
again.
"It's a shame,"
he said.
"I was looking forward to the bus."
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hey leaf-
Interesting short one...
Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
up
then
down
the drive.
One afternoon last December
he tried plodding not sure of this line
up
the drive
and all the way to the bus stop
only to find
his feet took him back
down
the drive
yet again.
"It's a shame," he said,
I was looking forward to the bus." ending on "he said" didn't work for me
I think this one is better for the "Poetry for Fun" forum, as it is a fun one. I very much like that it seems that Mick is really trying to avoid catching the bus. A slight clue as to why he's avoiding the bus would help- just a very slight clue. "Three times daily" implies an effort to overcome some type of fear, yet there's not enough to show why he can't overcome "robot-body-syndrome."
Or, it could be that he sort of tries, but always winds up missing the bus, 3x365 times, or over 1,000 times a year (for reasons that are very unclear). That's a whole lot of missing the bus, making the poem pretty unrealistic, yet humorous...
Thanks for the read,
Mark
Posts: 58
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2021
Hi Mark,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this one too.
I haven't found the 'Poetry for Fun' forum yet; I'll have to take a look.
Thanks for all your suggestions; I've tweaked S2 and S5, but I've left S4 for now. That's because Mick's attempt to catch the bus was an isolated incident, as he's on furlough. I hoped the title might set the scene a bit, but perhaps not. Ah well.
I like the idea of someone managing to miss a bus so often; I suppose that would be due to a phobia.
Perhaps my poetry isn't good enough for this site yet? That's no problem at all; I'll just have a go somewhere else :-)
All best,
Leaf
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Wow leaf-
BASIC is just that, and there’s absolutely no reason to quit this forum.
ALL poetry is rarely “good enough” for the poet, but that is certainly not a “good enough” reason to leave.
C’mon, stick around, and keep writing.
Seeking and considering constructive criticism is necessary at ANY level.
Hey, you’re sticking with the ‘poem-a-day’, so you can’t quit.
Poetry is hard work, and if you only want readers to congratulate you for your poems there are plenty of places you may find that.
I suspect you want to learn, so stay, and do that.
OK?
... Mark
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
As a relative newbie, I want to second what Mark said, but add, there is a learning curve with the forum. I'm as thin skinned as they come, but this forum has been nothing but good for me. I don't always, maybe even rarely, agree with some of the comments, but I go away and come back and read them again and study them anyway.
It's important to show other people your poems. It's not important if they like them or not. But I'm starting to rant, so....
p.s. explore the other threads and smaple some of the poems. you will see yours in a different light, i promise.
Posts: 58
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Joined: Mar 2021
Hi Mark and TqB,
Thanks for your replies. Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as a quitter; I just had some sort of brain blip and forgot where I was for a mo.
Yes, I do want to learn and I'll certainly do a bit of exploring (that should help me remember where I am, heh).
All best,
Leaf
Posts: 14
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2021
(04-12-2021, 03:09 AM)Leaf Wrote: Three times daily
for over a year
Mick has plodded
up
then
down
the drive.
One afternoon last December
he tried to plod
up
the drive
all the way to the bus stop --
only to find
his feet took him
down
the drive
again.
"It's a shame,"
he said.
"I was looking forward to the bus."
I like it leaf
Sums up how so many have been living for so long
The monotony taking over so much of their beings that people forget how to act for themselves
Even to the point where they find themselves back home without questioning why they haven't exercised free will (apprehension possibly)
The humour lightens the sentiment (and makes it great, for me) but the message is clear to see
Gave me a chuckle
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Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
One small note from across the Atlantic: to most Americans (I think; Mark can correct me if I'm exaggerating), a "drive" is where we park our cars, as in "driveway"; so I was confused about that. We'd call it a "street".
What Churchill(?) said: two countries divided by a common language.....
Posts: 58
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2021
Thanks for the like, newbie, and welcome to PigPen btw. I'd forgotten about this one, lol. I'm pleased that you get what it's about and had a chuckle. It's good to chuckle 
TqB, thanks for the small note. Yes, a drive is a driveway here too. It's a long drive and good for pacing. Mick's still pacing now.
Sorry I haven't been active on here lately; lots of projects on at the mo.
All best,
Leaf
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