Beelzebub

[Thunderembargo]

STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * *
to cover the hemi - sphere
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless
oh fruits of jupiter
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Thunder,

I'm an image junkie and your poem generates many striking images.  On the meaning side, it feels almost like a riddle or a puzzle.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but at the end of the poem I'm still wondering what you are telling me.  


STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion   dealt
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * *       here's where I start wondering about meaning, especially why the asterisks ?, could be be decoration, could be a phone number
to cover the hemi - sphere   
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition            my favorite lines, where I thought I was starting to get anwers
sun- touched and aimless
oh fruits of jupiter
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber                this is probably a personal thing, but I can't take cucumbers seriously except in a salad, maybe different color word for green
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\                              example of a striking image, but I can't connect it to the rest of the poem, and if it's the biblical Jacob, he wouldn't know what a potato is
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider                                  my second favorite lines

One last suggestion on the asterisk business:

* ** **** appointed * *** * by ** the stars ***** *** * *

p.s.  what's Ivanhoe doing here?

Summary:  I like reading this poem, but I'm frustrated I can't understand it's ultimate meaning.

[Majestic Sun]

STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion (Confusion is spelt wrong, also shuffled doesn't work here, dealt is better)
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * (Why the asterisks? Doesn't work here because it takes up line space in the poem, what do they mean?)
to cover the hemi - sphere (Why not write hemisphere like this?)
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless (Interesting line, I understand this well)
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter needs to be capitalized)
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber (Say what?)
and de - canted canteloupe (spelt Cantaloupe wrong)
decanted, sideways,
like jacob (spelt Jacob wrong) crying potatoes\ (How can potatoes cry?) 
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius (But a capital A in Aquarius) 
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (Too many descriptive words, needs to be shortened, also what is this poem about?)

Anyway this is best I can do, this is just a thought but I think you should make those changes. Anyway thanks for sharing.

[busker]

STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * *
to cover the hemi - sphere
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless
oh fruits of jupiter
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider

You've got individual lines in there that have some interesting images in them. The only drawback is that they don't make any sense collectively - or in many cases, even individually. If they could be strung together to form sensible English sentences, this might actually be a good poem.

EDIT - more more, specific crit given that this in Intensive and it's only fair (after mod feedback):

1) I couldn't make the connection b/w the biblical Anatoth, Jacob, Moses, Belzebub, and the rest of the poem. If there is some allusion or reference involved that needs better knowledge of the subject matter, then some footnotes would help
2) there are individual lines like 'fruits of jupiter' and 'moses cacti' that seem to refer to the offspring of the Graeco-Roman and Judaic civilisations, but it's one of many themes that are impossible to understand any further
3) 'the moon ladder carrying Aquarius' is a great line....though I'm not sure why Aquarius carries a moon ladder. Couldn't find that in the myth. Happy to be corrected.

[ISawASpaceship]

STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion (If that typo is on purpose, I love it. It makes confusion seem a little more real)
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * (I am very fond of the visual representation of stars here. I'm fuzzy on how that was not evident to others)
to cover the hemi - sphere (I know someone else didn't like this but splitting the word in half is rather clever especially since hemi means half. Not certain if you were going for that)
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter should be capitalized)
or moses cactii (Moses should be capitalized and cacti is spelled with only one 'i")
Anatoth riding out (Anathoth is spelled wrong. It needs to have an extra 'h')
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber
and de - canted canteloupe (Cantaloupe is spelled wrong)
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\ (If there's such a thing as jacob crying potatoes please forgive me. I can be a dunce. However, my guess is you weren't so Jacob needs to be capitalized and potatoes needs to be in quotes like "Potatoes!", if that's what you were going for)
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius (Aquarius should be capitalized)
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (A period to end the thought should be here unless you weren't ending a thought)

The poem slightly confuses me. Beelzebub would imply some kind of demon which would make sense especially when you refer to Moses, Jacob, and Anathoth, all of which are biblical references. Are you just talking about a bad harvest? Perhaps, the symbolism of a demon symbolizing a bad omen? At first I thought maybe the cards were something to do with tarot but there are so many things mentioned that are references to things that grow. Cacti, cucumber (although I thought at first based on sea foam cucumber you were talking about a sea cucumber), potatoes, cantaloupe, apples. Mercurial suggests a sudden change of mood or mind. Jibbed soil suggests that it's stopped or refused to go on. Anathoth makes sense because in 1 Chronicles 12:3 Solomon banishes Abiathar the priest of Anathoth "unto thine own fields". Maybe riding out means that the harvest is going, so maybe instead a cycle completed, end of harvest hence the apples being turned into apple cider and perhaps Aquarius, Mercurial, and Jupiter all reference times of the year? I still could be wrong but that's just a guess. If so, I think it's rather clever. Certainly a better poem than most that I've read in a while.

[Beowulf]

Hi Thunder,

I'm afraid that I'm a little out of practice at critiquing, but here goes.


STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion (Confusion and frustration?)
you deliver the sacred tree (You are referring to the apple tree perhaps)
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * ( Perhaps asterisks represent a constellation?)
to cover the hemi - sphere
of the ancient scroll ( Made of papyrus native only to Egypt)
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless (L10&L11 Nice description of ripened apples)
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter is a modern cultivar of domesticated apple which was developed in England, by crossing a Cox's Orange Pippin with a Starking Delicious apple.)
or moses cactii (conjures images of the desert
Anatoth riding out (are you refering here to the town between Michmash and Jerusalem: home of Jeremiah)
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber (?!!???)
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius ( Rare full moon in Aquarius: August 21, 2021 9:34 perhaps)
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (Sounds refreshing after a romp in the desert or a spat.)


This poem is intriguing in that its biblical references take this reader in one direction only to return in the end to cold hard cider. You carry the "apple" trope throughout the pome so that leaves me to believe that whether this is the proverbial apple in the Garden of Eden. The imagery in L1-L4 (specifically:"scented confustion" leads this reader to surmise that there is a woman in question and a lack of understanding...perhaps even a spat that might have taken place on August 21, 2021. This is just my take and probably misses the mark. Best of luck in future edits. Thanks for this.

Cheers Beowulf

[Sapphire26855]

In each card shuffled with scented confustion - I think that confusion may be spelled wrong, but that could be intentional. Also, this poem is about planting and harvesting/industrialization, so I am unsure why it starts on the image of cards/chance, but there could be something I'm not getting.
you deliver the sacred tree - I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but this makes me think of adam's apple in the garden of eden.
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * - I think the stars are a cool addition! I would consider incorporating them into the words of the poem, or using them as a running theme so they don't just appear on this line.
to cover the hemi - sphere 
of the ancient scroll - There are a lot of cool images used, but I have a hard time piecing them together. That could just be me, though!
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless
oh fruits of jupiter
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways, -  Here the poem seems to speed up as I read it, and that works very well! I love these lines.
like jacob crying potatoes\ - Is the \ intentional?
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider - I love how this image ties the poem together! It works really well.


I hope this is helpful!