Star to Mantua

[busker]

Star to Mantua* 

There is a always a moon 
full, for young lovers,
leaching silver in the fairy tale night
on water beneath bridges,
burnishing the ridges,
while they lie in a swoon
underneath the covers
and larks sing of the soon to be light

* 

http://shakespeare.mit.edu/romeo_juliet/...t.3.5.html

[Mark A Becker]

Hey busker-

Very evocative, lovely piece.

Larks singing before dawn adds a brilliant touch, since that actually is when larks may sing, and it offers a subtle signal that the fairy tale night is coming to an end.  I don't know that "leaching" helps the image, though.

I've taken the liberty to substitute "swirling" for "leaching", struck "the" from "underneath the covers", replaced "and larks" with "as larks", and rearranged the lines... Hope not outta line:

Star to Mantua

Swirling silver on water
beneath bridges,
there is a always a moon
full, for young lovers
in the fairy tale night,
burnishing the ridges,
while they lie in a swoon
underneath covers, as larks sing
of the soon to be light

[Torkelburger]

Mark, did you not take note of busker's rhyme scheme? It's quite novel. You may want to keep it intact. It's part of what makes the poem so lovely.

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Busker,

Much as I like Mark's revision, I want to speak up for the "leaching" line, which is my favorite in the whole poem.  My slight revision:

There is always a moon 
full, for young lovers,
leaching silver from the fairy tale night
from water beneath bridges,
burnishing the ridges,
while they lie in a swoon
underneath the covers
and larks sing of the soon to be light

Also, beautiful title.  I guess I hoped for an explication in the poem of the title.

[Mark A Becker]

Mark, did you not take note of busker's rhyme scheme?  It's quite novel.  You may want to keep it intact.  It's part of what makes the poem so lovely.

Yes, I picked up on the a-b-c d-d a-b-c rhyme scheme, and I agree that it is quite novel, and un-forced.
My rearrangement makes the rhyming internal, which I merely offer as a suggestion. I don’t know that the variation in meter requires end-rhymes.

That said, it’s busker’s poem, and just my two cents.

Internal, or end-rhyming both work for me: it’s a lovely poem.

All of that said, for me, “leaching” is the only odd choice. But Tim differs...

Mark

[busker]

Thanks for your comments and suggestions, Mark, Torkel, and Tranquility
A little footnote added to explain the allusion, which is from one of my favourite passages

---

Many years ago, I fell in love with these lines, and it's stayed that way ever since:

Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads:

[Mark A Becker]

"Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads:
I have more care to stay than will to go"
              Wm. S. Romeo & Juliet

Excellent re-imagining of those lines, by you, busker.

Mark

[Knot]

.
Hi Busker,
Mantua gave me R&J (though I'd not remembered the lark).
I too stumble on leaching, perhaps it is the comma after 'full', should it be after 'moon'?
Is it the fullness of the moon, or its 'leaching' that is 'for young lovers'?

There is always a moon,
full for young lovers,
that leaches silver out of the fae night,
from water ...
burnishing the ridges (of what?)
As an alternative
it/and burnishes water
'neath the Ponte Pietra

'while they lie in a swoon' might also be worth a second look.


Best, Knot


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