The Maid

[pomona1866]

The room sits in vacant silence
as I slap a wet rag over the marble floor
clenching my nostrils
at its acidic fumes.
Occasionally a chime announces
a tickle of wind at its feet,
the corner of the newspaper
dabs the coffee table until
it surrenders itself back to quiet.

The scream is all too familiar,
a roar ripping through his lungs,
the fragile silence in the room,
and every pore of my shivering skin.
It spews a volcano of words,
rattling against doors, windows
and walls
of my heart.

I tug the ends of my sari tighter over my face
as madam descends the stairs in whispered strides,
shoulders hung in resignation,
fresh powder clinging to the bruise on her cheek,
her eyes lift just long enough
to register the swollen half moon
scoring my eye, a remnant
of yesterday's punishment.
She looks away almost instinctively,
before the truth
swells in her eyes.

[Knot]

.
Hi pomona,
lots to like, the unobtrusive 'slap' in the second line, in particular, is nicely placed, I'm not sure what the second verse adds that couldn't be inferred from the rest of the piece and you might consider trimming some of the excess from the third verse.


The room sits in vacant silence...................................anything better than 'vacant'?
as I slap a wet rag over the marble floor
clenching my nostrils.................................................not sure 'clenching' is the right verb
at its acidic fumes.....................................................and this could be elaborated upon, I think.
Occasionally a chime announces
a tickle of wind at its feet,..........................................at whose feet? Too ambiguous for me.
the corner of the newspaper
dabs the coffee table until.........................................perhaps 'taps' for 'dabs'?
it surrenders itself back to quiet.................................'it' ?


I tug the ends of my sari tighter over my face............not sure about any of the line breaks in this verse, or why madam descending means
...........................................................................tugging the sari tighter?
as madam descends the stairs in whispered strides,....not keen on 'whispered strides'
...


just a suggestion


I tug the ends of my sari tighter
over my face, madam descends
shoulders hung in resignation,
fresh powder clinging on her cheek,
our eyes lift just long enough
the swollen half moon
of yesterday's punishment.................................do you need to spell it out with 'punishment'?
still visible behind the clouds
She looks away



Best, Knot


.

[alonso ramoran]

The room sits in vacant silence
as I slap a wet rag over the marble floor
clenching my nostrils would pinching be a better substitute for clenching? though the image seems kinda awkward either way; it gives the impression that this maid is new at their job, but maybe that's what you intended
at its acidic fumes. would alkaline fumes better describe the scent of cleaning products?
Occasionally a chime announces
a tickle of wind at its feet,
the corner of the newspaper
dabs the coffee table until
it surrenders itself back to quiet.

The scream is all too familiar,
a roar ripping through his lungs,
the fragile silence in the room,
and every pore of my shivering skin.
It spews a volcano of words,
rattling against doors, windows
and walls
of my heart.

I tug the ends of my sari tighter over my face
as madam descends the stairs in whispered strides,
shoulders hung in resignation,
fresh powder clinging to the bruise on her cheek,
her eyes lift just long enough
to register the swollen half moon
scoring my eye, a remnant
of yesterday's punishment.
She looks away almost instinctively,
before the truth
swells in her eyes.

Hi pomona1866,

I really enjoyed the read. The imagery and language used is strong (whispered strides, scoring my eye, tickle of wind, volcano of words, the corner of the newspaper...) and is also effective in conveying this situation of abuse that the maid is witnessing. There are references to this silence being both fragile and vacant and I wonder if this is intentional. If so, would it be accurate to interpret this silence as a fragile shell that the maid is able to find what little solace she can within?

Again, thank you for the read,
Alex