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in Triversen form
Dinner Dream
Tonight, I cooked dinner—
fried spaghetti, Coors to drink,
foxglove adorns the table.
Frank Zappa is coming,
Ray Bradbury, van Gogh too--
and I’ll be there for sure.
Just thinking about it
cheers up my lonely apartment—
we’ll laugh, tell stories, make music.
I answer a knock at the door,
but when I open it,
there’s no Frank, Ray, or Vincent.
It’s just another me
staring back at myself,
but do I want to let myself in?
Nothing’s changed, I’ll be a good guest…
eat, drink, laugh, make music, and
learn to love myself again.
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(12-03-2020, 11:45 PM)Torkelburger Wrote: in Triversen form
Dinner Dream
Tonight, I cooked dinner—
fried spaghetti, Coors to drink, nicely packed - fried, spaghetti takes more time, effort, and dirty pots and pans than just boiled
(and quality beer, too - the "I" is making an effort)
foxglove adorns the table.
Frank Zappa is coming,
Ray Bradbury, van Gogh too-- you probably meant another em dash here (g)
and I’ll be there for sure.
Just thinking about it
cheers up my lonely apartment—
we’ll laugh, tell stories, make music.
I answer a knock at the door,
but when I open it, is this comma necessary?
there’s no Frank, Ray, or Vincent.
It’s just another me
staring back at myself,
but do I want to let myself in? only idea to improve this is some form of, "should I admit myself" for a little ambiguity... just a thought
Nothing’s changed, I’ll be a good guest…
eat, drink, laugh, make music, and
learn to love myself again. also nicely packed - not "like" or "tolerate" or even "enjoy."
The form, using sequences of three, is quite satisfying. It does break down in the last two stanzas, though in the second-to-last the breakdown fits the theme of discovering what's missing. The final stanza could be three-themed by eliminating one of the four items on its second line - probably "laughed," which is a little edgy with just the one.
On the whole, this is good, expressive, and makes one think a bit. If it's not autobiographical, you've a sharp (and accurate) imagination! One may be the loneliest number, but it doesn't have to be, actually, lonely.
Puts one in mind of the old Rastafarian "I and I" (meaning, I recently learned, "we").
 Non-practicing atheist
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Hello Tb,
My, you're prolific, and all in different poetical forms that I can only admire - yes, whatever it takes to get creative and writing!
A nice idea for a poem, a fantasy dinner party, but disappointingly ends in simplistic self-reflection.
Tonight, I cooked dinner—
fried spaghetti, Coors to drink,
foxglove adorns the table. - I'm guessing references to the guests, but they are too obtuse - what's wrong with sunflowers?
Frank Zappa is coming,
Ray Bradbury, van Gogh too--
and I’ll be there for sure. - a waste of a precious line.
Just thinking about it - boring, a chance for imagery - just laying the table cloth etc...
cheers up my lonely apartment—
we’ll laugh, tell stories, make music. - the whole shebang in one line?
what does each guest bring to the table? - for a nice three line verse.
I answer a knock at the door, - as last, a knock on the door - give it drama
but when I open it,
there’s no Frank, Ray, or Vincent.
It’s just another me
staring back at myself,
but do I want to let myself in? - interesting thought
Nothing’s changed, I’ll be a good guest…
eat, drink, laugh, make music, and
learn to love myself again. - these lines are a bit cliche. Telling it, if you know what I mean.
pick up the guitar and play
(an appropriately poignant zappa song)
just my thoughts to take or leave............P
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@dukealien,
Yes I will remove that comma. I think I will change that line to “but should I admit myself?” as you suggest.
Thanks for the supportive comments. I will remove “laugh” as well as per your suggestion.
It is actually autobiographical. It is based on an exercise I did with my psychiatrist I did many years ago in a therapy session.
@philip,
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, the foxglove was in reference to van Gogh. I was trying to make yet another metaphor or allusion to the poem’s topic of depression/loneliness in that foxglove is the main ingredient in Digitalis, which is what van Gogh took for his depression (as was given to him by Dr. Gachet). He painted it in several paintings and it is most famously in the portrait he did of Dr. Gachet himself (he is holding a bouquet of it in his hand). I could do sunflowers too, I guess since he painted them upon anticipation of Gaugin staying at the yellow house in Arles, so that might fit the theme as well.
I’ll change that line to the table cloth imagery. I don’t think I’ll be able to add another verse about what each guest brings, as the form only allows for 18 lines (6 stanzas).
I've been thinking of how to correct L6, L16, and L18 all day long today but I can't think of anything. I'll keep at it.
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(12-03-2020, 11:45 PM)Torkelburger Wrote: I don’t think I’ll be able to add another verse about what each guest brings, as the form only allows for 18 lines (6 stanzas).
You probably could using the repetitions throughout, zappa- bradbury- van gogh,
frank-ray-vincent,
Music-literature-paint
Absurdism-fantasy-impression
Etc I don't really know much about any of them.
Like 'respectively'
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Interesting. I'm wondering if I should abandon the form entirely in order to add the necessary details and "meat" to the piece. I guess I could try and get the point across with a bit more emphasis here and there--and some elaboration. I will have to think about it.
Revision #1
Dinner Dream
Tonight, I cooked dinner—
fried spaghetti, Coors to drink,
sunflowers adorn the table.
Frank Zappa is coming,
Ray Bradbury, van Gogh too—
and I’ll be there for sure.
Just laying the table cloth
cheers up my lonely apartment—
we’ll laugh, tell stories, make music.
I answer a knock at the door,
but when I open it
there’s no Frank, Ray, or Vincent.
It’s just another me
staring back at my face,
but should I admit myself?
Nothing’s changed, I’ll be a good guest…
eat, drink, make music, and
learn to love myself again.
Posts: 28
Threads: 39
Joined: Jul 2020
Just to correct a previous comment of mine: in Dr. Gachet’s portrait, the foxglove is on the table he is sitting at, not in his hand.
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