Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Nov 2020
How can I SAVE myself
If I've already found myself lost
I'm RICH for your touch
In PROFIT of pain but love is at a LOSS
POOR old me
So hard to make a change
With just CHANGE in my pocket ...
With an old family photo
In a dusty old WALLET ...
@wordsfrom1985
David Smith
Posts: 34
Threads: 5
Joined: Oct 2020
Hello there,
A simple poem - poor in love and money, but how do they relate?
The capitalisation of the puns is distracting and over-stresses the point,
along with that forced sounding middle line.
Work on a final line or couplet that connects the two states, for a more circular and complete resolution.
Thanks for sharing...........P
Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2021
(11-29-2020, 01:53 AM)Wordsfrom1985 Wrote: How can I SAVE myself
If I've already found myself lost
I'm RICH for your touch
In PROFIT of pain but love is at a LOSS
POOR old me
So hard to make a change
With just CHANGE in my pocket ...
With an old family photo
In a dusty old WALLET ...
@wordsfrom1985
David Smith
Hi David,
I also agree that the capitalization of the puns is taking away from the flow of the poem. Are they necessary? But other than that, I like the idea behind the poem
Posts: 28
Threads: 39
Joined: Jul 2020
(11-29-2020, 01:53 AM)Wordsfrom1985 Wrote: How can I SAVE myself
If I've already found myself lost
I'm RICH for your touch
In PROFIT of pain but love is at a LOSS
POOR old me
So hard to make a change
With just CHANGE in my pocket ...
With an old family photo
In a dusty old WALLET ...
@wordsfrom1985
David Smith
Hi, it doesn't seem as if you are still around, but if you ever come back and read this--I think your poem might be strengthened with a bit more concrete imagery, instead of just "telling" about your situation in the abstract. Especially since you are going for pathos. Maybe still find a way of using words dealing with money. But the reader doesn't really feel anything emotionally by reading this as it is. I know in my own life, one image that signifies my lost love, is the ever-present imprint left behind on my ring finger of where my wedding ring used to be when I was married. The mark won't go away and it is very painful to look at.
