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Joined: Oct 2020
We met before
Many times over
This was different,
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain
Flowers stare and grow bigger and brighter
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you"
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I wanted to write a short sweet poem for my GF's birthday coming up and she is a writer herself so I don't want to completely embarrass myself!
Thank you!
Posts: 987
Threads: 227
Joined: Aug 2016
(10-15-2020, 06:10 AM)RhythmGuy Wrote: We met before
Many times over
This was different,the tense is confusing
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain I like cascades
Flowers stare and grow bigger and brighter maybe too many 'ands'
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you"
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I wanted to write a short sweet poem for my GF's birthday coming up and she is a writer herself so I don't want to completely embarrass myself!
Thank you!
The first 4 lines don't seem to say anything to me, maybe condense to 1 line, or rephrase.. happy birthday!
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 5
Threads: 1
Joined: Oct 2020
when I'm with you
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain
Flowers gaze as I go by
growing bigger, brighter
all was well
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you"
Is this better? I am trying to convey how she changed me and made me appreciate all the little things. I am runner so I wanted to convey this as well in passing mountains and going by flowers.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi RG,
the 'appreciation of all the little things' is a fine idea (though how a passing mountain might be considered little is for another day
) but perhaps give some examples particular to you. Sun and flowers ... well, that could be anyone. And are you deliberately quoting 'Something Stupid' in the final two lines? If you two do have a shared Sinatra interest (or even a Williams/Kidman one) you might consider starting with that.
Best (of luck), Knot
.
Posts: 34
Threads: 5
Joined: Oct 2020
Hello RythmGuy,
I've got a couple of issues with this poem.
The narrative is rather bland and meaningless, and the copying of song lyrics, especially for the crescendo, comes across as lazy.
No doubt, your girlfriend would prefer your own words.
Make it more personal, she's a writer apparently - our story's just began, together we can pen a happy ending.
Just noticed your revision, so I've had to revise my critique! - please append revisions to the original.
when I'm with you
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain - nice ideas, but 'smiles' is a weak cliche, floods etc ?
Flowers gaze as I go by
growing bigger, brighter - find a fresher image here.
all was well - drop this departure
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you" - if you must use it, then at least twist it.
By not saying something beautiful like "I love you"
just my thoughts.........Philip
Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Nov 2020
(10-15-2020, 06:10 AM)RhythmGuy Wrote: Great piece of words flowing together ❤
We met before
Many times over
This was different,
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain
Flowers stare and grow bigger and brighter
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you"
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I wanted to write a short sweet poem for my GF's birthday coming up and she is a writer herself so I don't want to completely embarrass myself!
Thank you!
This is insufficient critique for this forum. Please please take a moment to review the posting guidelines for each forum. Thank you.
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