Looking Back
#1
I wish I could buy that feeling in a bottle.

As of now, and only for a moment,
while looking at a photo
from a time that's worlds away,
I can feel its essence.
A shadow is cast across my face.
It's me,
callow, but inspired.
That feeling comes back to brush my cheek.
It's a relic,
a spirit from an extinct persona.

I didn't know what I had,
didn't know what I could lose.
I didn't hold on.
But it's time to let go.
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#2
(09-16-2020, 05:36 PM)Lilly123 Wrote:  I wish I could buy that feeling in a bottle.

As of now, and only for a moment,
while looking at a photo
from a time that's worlds away, A little cliche.
I can feel its essence. What does "its essence" feel like? Would be improved by something more specifc, real and concrete that the reader can feel themselves. i.e "I can feel his arms blah blah blah"
A shadow is cast across my face. This is more specifc, stronger.
It's me,
callow, but inspired.
That feeling comes back to brush my cheek. I like this more as well, i can feel a cheek being brushed.
It's a relic,
a spirit from an extinct persona.

I didn't know what I had,
didn't know what I could lose. 
I didn't hold on.
But it's time to let go. What did you have? What could you lose? 


Hey Lilly, my main fault with this poem is that it is pretty vague, with things that mean something to the writer, but not a reader who doesn't know anything about this situation.

In my opinion, it would benefit from using more real images, sights, smells, sounds, touches as metaphors (or just as images that produce a feeling) for what you want to get across.

This poem reminds me of a song by Guy Clarke, "My Favorite Picture of You" - I think you could benefit from listening to that song or reading the lyrics to see what I mean about more concrete images. It tells a similar story, but with more direct images.

I hope you find my thoughts useful.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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