At the Jubilee
#1
At the Jubilee


At the jubilee
He walks alone on a crowded night
Following the colored lights
Eyeing all the sweet delights
All alone at the jubilee
All alone at the jubilee

She’s a sight to see
With her tied up hair and her open shoes
What a young boy got to lose?
He judges how to make his move
All alone at the jubilee
All alone at the jubilee

Candy floss and ringing bells, you almost miss the thing
Eyes meet and tiny smiles flow
Sneak a kiss in shadowed light out behind the swings
Until they touch, I’d bet nobody knows

At the jubilee
I watch the show and I root for them
I’d love the chance to do mine again
Lots of things I might amend
All alone at the jubilee
All alone at the jubilee
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#2
Bump. Over a week. Few reads, no comments - what did I do wrong? Please tell me.
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#3
.
Hi Yjack,
is this an attempt at song lyrics?


'crowded night' is very nice and the story, mourning lost love/youth, is fine, as far as it goes,
but I don't think you've successfully solved the puzzle that rhyming (frequently/always) presents.

Why 'open shoes' would make anyone 'a sight to see' is beyond me, perhaps my foot fetishism
 is insufficiently developed. Smile (NB. L9. Shouldn't it be 'What's'?)

Similarly 'to do mine again' - I know what you mean (I think) but the phrase is just so awkward.
As is the whole of verse three. Seems to be mainly sentence fragments rather than a coherent
thought. And what is 'the thing'?


Finally
, I'm not sure what 'the jubilee' really means. Are you using it in the sense of a 'county fair'
or similar?



Best, Knot


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