Algonquin Trail

[Wjames]

Mind the roots and keep apace
with the gentle thud of pops walking stick,
its maple gnarled as the antlers of the moose
peeking through the trees across the pond, 
taking a look at the creatures with two legs
as we gaze upon it in mutual wonder.

Skip the sog that hugs the pond,
and land on rocks placed by god
to keep our socks dry, 
as the trail sharpens its incline 
and steps begin to gruel.

Exhale as you crest the ridge
and look upon blue-green sprawls,
the smell of your own sweat mixed with pine
burning your nose as you listen to the birds
and your father’s joyous laughter.

[dukealien]

Mind the roots and keep apace  "apace" is a way of saying "in time with," but normally doesn't go with physical walking
with the gentle thud of pops walking stick, missing apostrophe in "pop's" fits the naive character of the narrative
its maple gnarled as the antlers of the moose is the first "the" in this line necessary?
peeking through the trees across the pond,  again, is the first "the" needed?  And what kind of trees - birches, fir?
taking a look at the creatures with two legs "these" for "the" perhaps?
as we gaze upon it in mutual wonder. moose mainly wonder why humans don't fall down all the time, with only two legs 

Skip the sog that hugs the pond, "sog" is problematic here.  With  bit of thought, it comes up as a ghost root of "soggy" but unless it's current slang in the region this invention jars with the naive tone
and land on rocks placed by god
to keep our socks dry,  the format of one sentence per stanza is noted, but a period here with "Now" beginning the next line could work better; an inclined trail doesn't fit with the image of a pond with stepping-stones, anyway
as the trail sharpens its incline
and steps begin to gruel. "gruel" is another invention (ghost root of "grueling") that is just too inventive for the naive tone.

Exhale as you crest the ridge
and look upon blue-green sprawls,
the smell of your own sweat mixed with pine
burning your nose as you listen to the birds is "the" necessary here?
and your father’s joyous laughter. good closing, respect ("father") overcoming informality ("pop").  Did pop place the stepping-stones?  Well, he knew they were there. 

This tells an engaging, happy story and contains some good images.  It's a pleasant read, but the occasional flashes of poetic invention seem odd and distracting in an otherwise gently naive work.

This is written as in a diary, first draft before the poet gets at it.  In that frame, the inventions ("sog" and "gruel") could be hurried searches for the right word.  The grammar format - strictly, each stanza/sentence is imperative, ordering the reader to put self in writer's place - is a little more studied than that, though.  (Each stanza begins with a missing "You," in other words.)

To repeat, it's a good story told in a way that pulls the reader along, but the inventions are stumbling-stones rather than stepping-stones.  It could be less inventive but more striking with more detail - what kind of trees, what kind of birds, were the stones mossy or sharp?  The walking stick and burning smell of pine are good examples.

This could become a really fine retelling of a day with dad; it's already nice.

P.S.  "Sog" was dd enough that I actually tried to wedge "Special Operations Group" into the context.  It was a poor fit. 

[Klis]

I actually really like sog. Like, a lot. It really echoes, and I had to go back to check for in-rhymes. It obviously echoes the rhythm in the first line, but then breaking form of the “couplets” (line break comma linebreak comma linebreak comma) of the first stanza works very well in giving a sense of progression.

Thinking more on sog, I think actually I really like how it stops the poem, especially after a very light “skip”, I could really get the sense of avoiding boots having to pull out of the mud, and its quick offrhyme with hug really doubles down on the imagery in a pleasant way that is direct and not too laboured (har har). The word at once causes you to slow down while the repeated rhyme drives the pace forward (with god as well) in a droning way and adds to the sense of struggling haphazardly forward, and the dead stop at “dry” then delivers a really satisfying and strong contrast. The incline line seems to pick up pace (the echo in incline felt like you’re prepping for something) only for an early stop at gruel to then echo the sudden stop. Grieving indeed, very nice match on pacing and content, without at all seeming very tryhard or complicated. Very enjoyable.

Last stanza is strong and direct too, though I have less to say about it. It does seem freer to read which I’d say makes sense. Last two lines feel very light and airy, and I could imagine the whole scene crisp and simple.

I don’t usually write poetry like this and am careful not to advise what I’m unfamiliar with, but I did enjoy a lot and would love to hear any thoughts and specific questions/areas you’re interested in feedback wise.

I will say found the lack of possessive apostrophe on pops made me have to reread it for sense, which broke the flow for me.

Aside from “the” before trees, the comma after dry (id just linebreak; the formatting is enough to carry the rhythm pause imo), I don’t particularly agree with the suggestions. I don’t really see why the speaker is naive. Pops seems more nostalgic than youthful to me.

[therabbitisme]

Mind the roots and keep apace Solid hook
with the gentle thud of pops walking stick, This establishes that there is no strict meter to the poem, but I can find no natural way to read it in a way that flows
its maple gnarled as the antlers of the moose Again, lacking a strict meter, words like "its" cause the inner ear to stumble
peeking through the trees across the pond, Fantastic line; it convinces me the rest of the poem would benefit from more regular line length and structure
taking a look at the creatures with two legs This is a more agreeable departure from the beat
as we gaze upon it in mutual wonder. Great thought and image. I think my problem here is the shear number of words, making it hard to glean an intended way of reading

Skip the sog that hugs the pond,
and land on rocks placed by god Great couplet. This second line feels like it's missing a syllable, though.
to keep our socks dry, Again, great thought and image. The rhetoric might be strengthened by changing the comma to a period.
as the trail sharpens its incline 
and steps begin to gruel. Nice

Exhale as you crest the ridge Really great word choice, very visceral and human
and look upon blue-green sprawls,
the smell of your own sweat mixed with pine This and the two lines above read wonderfully
burning your nose as you listen to the birds Here I get the feeling of too many words again, "you", "the"
and your father’s joyous laughter. The change from the very personal "pops" to the 2nd person "your father" has the same drawbacks as a change of perspective

The imagery and concept are excellent. I won't say there are problems with the meter (or the inconsistency thereof), as it may largely reflect your actual intent. I will say that the word choice and line length caused me to read some lines multiple times. Good work overall.