The Thunder is Now
#1
First off I am in contemplation of the title, initially it was "The Kraken" then it became "The Thunder is Now", some thought would be useful.
I especially want to know what works and doesn't, specifically what you get and what you don't, anything beyond that is highly appreciated. 

The thunder is now
 
Brother,
he didn't find us this time
with a flash, stiff electric tendrils
burned in momentum, our lids reflecting
a cameo shining into silence
freight train of power
crashed and sparking, elements dropped
to bare nuclei
rules of sound and matter snapped
leaving only light as dispelled illusion
screaming, "I must be heard!"
as it snapped off half the chimney,
brick-red legos strewn in the yard.
The bolt split, holes burnt
where each head would lay.
Two giant spiders crawling through sheetrock
from a storm outside,
each level of the bunkbed
at portal to the abyss,
wall crumbs suspended, comforted
amid the static erection of knitted yarn hair.
The dusty air glowed
from window flashes.
  
Caught in scrapes, scratches, nicks
porcelain, wood, plaster-dust,
in awe
lifting a flag of flat silence
waiting for something to bend
if only the mind.
Two live bodies
raised and fed of this kin
this same kitchen, below
its dishes born of levitation
to their broken ends
its walls and doors, a pulsar
dispensing its matter
in regular intervals.
  
Mother
born and bore
a crackle, a shifty rift 
to the helical spires
fired 8 minutes ago,
rays of dawn,
fed us in base pairing
and mightier chronic makers
that nurtured you in fear.
Still your embrace
carriers the origins of time
dendrites fired, in brittle amass
a third a second ago.
"There's a voice inside of you,"
"That whispers all day long."
she read from the children’s book,
her night-gown foxing
a muted glow, late
and no one is ready for bed.
The thunder is now!
Reply
#2
Hey Caravano,
I like some parts of this poem quite a bit. However, there are other parts that need to be played around with. I'll go into more detail below:

(08-15-2020, 10:32 AM)Caravano Wrote:  First off I am in contemplation of the title, initially it was "The Kraken" then it became "The Thunder is Now", some thought would be useful.
I especially want to know what works and doesn't, specifically what you get and what you don't, anything beyond that is highly appreciated. 

The thunder is now
 
Brother,
he didn't find us this time
with a flash, stiff electric tendrils -I would make "Stiff electric tendrils burned" the first line of this poem. It's a strong image and catches the reader's attention more than "Brother." As well, there are other details in this poem that give the reader an idea that there are children involved.
burned in momentum, our lids reflecting
a cameo shining into silence
freight train of power -These three lines don't draw me in as much as others. I would suggest cutting everything after "momentum" and then going right to the "crashed and sparking," since that is the electric tendrils at work.
crashed and sparking, elements dropped
to bare nuclei
rules of sound and matter snapped
leaving only light as dispelled illusion -I would cut "as dispelled illusion" and connect the reminder of this line with the next one. The screaming light is a strong enough image that you don't need to mention an illusion.
screaming, "I must be heard!"
as it snapped off half the chimney,
brick-red legos strewn in the yard. -The lego image works well here, hinting to the reader about the children in this poem.
The bolt split, holes burnt
where each head would lay.
Two giant spiders crawling through sheetrock
from a storm outside,
each level of the bunkbed
at portal to the abyss,
wall crumbs suspended, comforted
amid the static erection of knitted yarn hair.
The dusty air glowed
from window flashes.
  
Caught in scrapes, scratches, nicks
porcelain, wood, plaster-dust,
in awe -I could be wrong, but you might need a comma after "awe".
lifting a flag of flat silence -I absolutely love this line. I love this line so much, I would suggest making it your title as well.
waiting for something to bend
if only the mind. -Perhaps "their minds" instead of "the mind" to emphasize the brothers more?
Two live bodies -Maybe change "live bodies" to "brothers," if you want to keep that in there for the reader.
raised and fed of this kin
this same kitchen, below
its dishes born of levitation -I would suggest combining this and the next line, so it reads: "dishes born to be broken" and omit the "below" from the previous line. You got a good image here, but you need to be more concise.
to their broken ends
its walls and doors, a pulsar
dispensing its matter
in regular intervals. -I don't mind the pulsar metaphor, but it feels out of place to me. Dispensing matter seems to be inconsistent with the destruction that is happening.
  
Mother
born and bore -I feel like the reader needs more of an intro for the mother being this way. Why is she bored with what is happening? 
a crackle, a shifty rift 
to the helical spires
fired 8 minutes ago,
rays of dawn,
fed us in base pairing
and mightier chronic makers
that nurtured you in fear.
Still your embrace
carriers the origins of time
dendrites fired, in brittle amass
a third a second ago.
"There's a voice inside of you,"
"That whispers all day long." -If these two lines are spoken by the same person, you don't need the middle two quotation marks. I also like this bit of dialogue and suggest starting the stanza with it. It would make better intro to the mother.
she read from the children’s book,
her night-gown foxing
a muted glow, late
and no one is ready for bed. -I quite like this line. Its strong enough that you should end on it and omit the following line.
The thunder is now!
I hope I wasn't too brutal. I think you have a decent first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Reply
#3
Thanks dawg, quite useful. You can't critique too hard for me, don't worry if you sound rude, I appreciate the useful info.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!