Nature

[ComposerMike]

Nature

I take my friend to see the field of flowers,
Because I love her.
My sad friend, her life lacking pleasure.
In nature our stories become small and the sky becomes large.
Her body, too broken to dance with another human,
Now bends gracefully to caress a yellow blossom.
This is how she loves.

[Pure Evil]

I certainly like the mental image this piece conjures up. A very beautiful thought indeed.
It's always amazed me how beautiful most people are when they are in a "loving" moment, whether that be watching a sunset or caressing a yellow blossom....
Very nice job on this write

[Bunx]

Love the title of the this poem, I went to expecting one thing and came out with the title reflecting the nature of love. Thanks for the read. I would agree that would could try and play around with wording and rhymes, though it is not needed it could take a different tone.

[ComposerMike]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. One bit of feedback I've gotten in several places is to be more clear about the back story. How I met this friend, why I love her, etc. I'm just thinking out loud. Thanks, again.

[penneddown]

I liked reading this. I don’t think you need to go about explaining how or why you love your friend. In fact, I already feel you maybe explain a bit much. Personally I think you could remove “because I love her”. You don’t need to tell us that you love her, you can show us through the imagery in your poem. Which you already do to an extent, but I think you could push this further.

[Lilly123]

I really liked this! I don't think the line stating "my sad friend, her life lacking pleasure" is phrased in the most impactful way it could be. Is there a way to show that she's sad without directly stating it?

[mizron]

I really liked this and agree with others on the level of detail on the backstory. This seems about right to me. One thing caught my eye in the line "In nature our stories become small and the sky becomes large". Is there a way to show these two things instead of telling?

[huntermitch]

Nature

I take my friend to see the field of flowers,
Because I love her.
My sad friend, her life lacking pleasure.
In nature our stories become small and the sky becomes large.
Her body, too broken to dance with another human,
Now bends gracefully to caress a yellow blossom.
This is how she loves.

I find this poem, interesting yet eerie for some reason. It has a sort of monotone nature to it, but the emotion is still there, like the narrative in the film "The Lobster." I like the contrast between the sky a stories, placed simply, yet a nice moment of self actualization. I enjoyed it, and the idea that nature brings out the spry love within the sad friend is perfectly described. My only advice would be, hash out the poem and expand! It feels like a great start to something longer and descriptive.

[nearlyhere]

I enjoyed this, though, as someone else has already said, I think the line "because I love her" might not be necessary. You're already showing how you love her with the rest of the poem. Also, "My sad friend" and "her life lacking pleasure" mean essentially the same thing, so you might be able to delete one of them, to preserve the whole short and minimalist feeling you've cultivated well. Otherwise, your descriptive language and the emotional tone you set is really good. Good job.

[TranquillityBase]

I'd like to know more about the people in the first lines.  Maybe just a bit more, one or two concrete details about them, doesn't need to explain, could even add more mystery, but I want more about those two.  Beyond that, a good poem that brought me back for additional readings.