Notes on (First) Love
#1
Notes on (First) Love

I loved him.
Maybe a minute,
Perhaps an hour,
Perchance a year.
But I loved him.

I met him from afar,
I remember him sitting in front of me,
And chancing upon him around the school;

And how he would see me,
As if no one else could,
Or would. As if he was meant to.

He devoured me with his eyes, as if I was special.
And then, so quickly, he loved me.
As if it was so easy, as if he would forever.

He said it first, while laying his head on my lap,
While I held my hand to his heart as it beat furiously in his chest.

"I love you."

And I felt his heart,
Bum bum bum. Bum.
And I felt it, the truth of it.

"I love you,"

I whispered into his mouth.
Leaning to kiss him, to feel him. To know and be known.
And when I said it, I meant it.

I broke the kiss, saying those words again,
As if it wasn't hard, as if I would never stop,
Could never stop saying them.
I remember repeating myself,

"I love you. I love you, I love you, Iloveyou."

As though if I stopped, my words would become lies.
As if my words could show the enormity of it.
As if I could tell him how much those words meant, just by repeating them.

But then, (like all things do) it ended.

Yet I love him,
Loved him,
Will love him.

Maybe a minute, maybe a year, maybe forever.



Getting back into poetry after many years away. Any and all feedback welcome (especially the second stanza).
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#2
I whispered into his mouth.
Leaning to kiss him, to feel him. To know and be known.
And when I said it, I meant it.

I broke the kiss, saying those words again,
As if it wasn't hard, as if I would never stop,
Could never stop saying them.
I remember repeating myself,

"I love you. I love you, I love you, Iloveyou."

As though if I stopped, my words would become lies.
As if my words could show the enormity of it.
As if I could tell him how much those words meant, just by repeating them.

But then, (like all things do) it ended.



That's all the poem I see. What do you think? Tell me, and I'll come back and tell you if I think anything else. 
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#3
Hello unpolished-

A lot of telling and little showing going on here, and that is where concrete images and details could really help. 

The tone is flattened by the lack of details, as details spark interest.

The trick would be to show "love" without ever using the actual word.  Yeah, not easy to do, and it requires concise, concrete language.

Please show me feelings instead of tellings me about them.  If I say, "I am sad because my dog died", that doesn't show much.  If I described my dog and how hard it was to put him down, my sadness would probably show (and I wouldn't even need to say, "I am sad because my dog died").

Please read this aloud to yourself and decide what should stay and what should go: ie edit fearlessly.

Thanks for putting this out there, or in here, and remember- pratice makes progress.  Practice on this one and you'll be surprised where it may take you. Then, if you're surprised, I may be, too.  That would be a good thing for both of us.

.... Mark
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#4
(04-07-2020, 10:11 AM)unpolished Wrote:  Notes on (First) Love

I loved him.
Maybe a minute,
Perhaps an hour,
Perchance a year. Perchance is feeling a little thesaurusy for me, as in, it just feels like another word for perhaps. But I think the idea here could be effective. My understanding is that as time opens up as the love becomes less certain.
But I loved him.

I met him from afar,
I remember him sitting in front of me,
And chancing upon him around the school;

And how he would see me,
As if no one else could,
Or would. As if he was meant to. The or would here is surprising, I like it! 

He devoured me with his eyes, as if I was special.
And then, so quickly, he loved me.
As if it was so easy, as if he would forever. I'm not if all the as if is serving you. I understand its a way to convey a simile, but it feels a little repetitive. You could possibly turn these into metaphors like you do with He devoured me with his eyes I think thats  an effective line!

He said it first, while laying his head on my lap,
While I held my hand to his heart as it beat furiously in his chest.

"I love you."

And I felt his heart,
Bum bum bum. Bum.
And I felt it, the truth of it.

"I love you,"

I whispered into his mouth.
Leaning to kiss him, to feel him. To know and be known. To know and be know. is an interesting conception of kissing or being romantic. It begins to illustrate the meaning or psychology behind the actions for the narrator.
And when I said it, I meant it.

I broke the kiss, saying those words again,
As if it wasn't hard, as if I would never stop,
Could never stop saying them.
I remember repeating myself,

"I love you. I love you, I love you, Iloveyou."

As though if I stopped, my words would become lies.
As if my words could show the enormity of it.
As if I could tell him how much those words meant, just by repeating them. This stanza  feels like the part that really gets to the core of your content. 

But then, (like all things do) it ended.

Yet I love him,
Loved him,
Will love him.

Maybe a minute, maybe a year, maybe forever.



Getting back into poetry after many years away. Any and all feedback welcome (especially the second stanza).
Hmmm, I think its difficult to write a love poem with it falling into cliches. Love is such a strong emotion, I Understood most of this but only felt parts of it. I agree with the others, more images, more showing! Just my 2cents, thnx for sharing your poem
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#5
(04-07-2020, 10:11 AM)unpolished Wrote:  Notes on (First) Love

I loved him.
Maybe a minute,
Perhaps an hour,
Perchance a year.
But I loved him.

I met him from afar,
I remember him sitting in front of me,
And chancing upon him around the school;

And how he would see me,
As if no one else could,
Or would. As if he was meant to.

He devoured me with his eyes, as if I was special.
And then, so quickly, he loved me.
As if it was so easy, as if he would forever.

He said it first, while laying his head on my lap,
While I held my hand to his heart as it beat furiously in his chest.

"I love you."

And I felt his heart,
Bum bum bum. Bum.
And I felt it, the truth of it.

"I love you,"

I whispered into his mouth.
Leaning to kiss him, to feel him. To know and be known.
And when I said it, I meant it.

I broke the kiss, saying those words again,
As if it wasn't hard, as if I would never stop,
Could never stop saying them.
I remember repeating myself,

"I love you. I love you, I love you, Iloveyou."

As though if I stopped, my words would become lies.
As if my words could show the enormity of it.
As if I could tell him how much those words meant, just by repeating them.

But then, (like all things do) it ended.

Yet I love him,
Loved him,
Will love him.

Maybe a minute, maybe a year, maybe forever.



Getting back into poetry after many years away. Any and all feedback welcome (especially the second stanza).


I can really connect with this piece, I'm one who has has a fair share of heartbreak and a lot of it lingers into my social life today. I have come to the conclusion that love decides to give and take at will, at the best and the worst of times just to make your life heaven or hell. Not a bad write at all.
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#6
I really like this...a bit sad it ends this way but i feel its from the heart..

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