Posts: 57
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2014
Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
a picturesque squall, a travel ban
and the roads were ours
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride, me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror young men crave
our battle
our turf
tires skating under street lights
boys hurtling towards snow banks
in the back Marty squeals
You're so cool!
instinctively I palm the wheel
focused on the physics of steel
steering clear of piled snow
-------
Our Rites
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
a picturesque squall
and the road was ours
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
four tires skating
under street lights
three boys hurtling
at snow banks
in the back
Marty squealed
"You're so cool!"
as instinctively
I palmed the wheel
focused on the physics
of steel flying towards snow
-------------
Cool
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
—————————
Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow clinging to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
this is no cautionary tale
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the geometry
of steel towards snow
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
this is one of thsoe i want to change yet think it doesn't really need change. [apart from the first two lines.] the piece does capture the thrill of the moment. i do wonder if the driver would be thinking anything geometry while hurtling through the snow.
(12-07-2019, 01:09 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow clinging to everything not a powerful start, would transposing it with the second stanza add anything?
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks no need for the numbers, they'd be a given unless the three lads are in an eighteen wheeler.
this is no cautionary tale not sure this line adds anything
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the geometry
of steel towards snow
Posts: 57
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2014
(12-09-2019, 10:03 AM)billy Wrote: this is one of thsoe i want to change yet think it doesn't really need change. [apart from the first two lines.] the piece does capture the thrill of the moment. i do wonder if the driver would be thinking anything geometry while hurtling through the snow.
(12-07-2019, 01:09 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow clinging to everything not a powerful start, would transposing it with the second stanza add anything?
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks no need for the numbers, they'd be a given unless the three lads are in an eighteen wheeler.
this is no cautionary tale not sure this line adds anything
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the geometry
of steel towards snow
Thanks for the suggestions. I thought about the “cautionary tale” line before, I think you’re right. You’re also right about geometry, it should be physics. Our initiation to driving in upstate NY usually culminates in being taken into a very big, very empty parking lot after a big snow, being asked floor it while our teacher/parent/more experienced friend grabbed wheel in a hard turn to get us to spin uncontrollably to get the feeling of losing control in the snow, to get the feel of a snow. As for the opening, I wanted to set the scene of snow storm. It’s funny how snow almost seems like a light source. Whatever light there is at night is amplified.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi bbc,
nice idea, clearly presented and improved with the revision.
My main reservation is that while it seems to be about a
specific incident, there's no real sense of place.
Cool
- the title is a bit underwhelming, particularly as it's used in s5.
I thought you were close to something with your comment to
billy about - the feel of snow
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
I wonder if you could go further with your scene setting?
Something technical sounding (wind-speed/direction/
temperature) to match with the 'physics' in the final verse.
Also, perhaps repeat either 'clings' or 'sticks'?
we had the road to ourselves
- do you need the next two lines?
They seem to be implied by 'high school thrill ride'
Be nice to know what type of road they're on.
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
- be nice to have a little more here,
of what are they terrified?
And doesn't 'high school' suggest that they are 'young'?
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
I agree with billy about the 'numbers' here. That there
are three is established in the previous stanza (though
they are described as 'young men' there, not 'boys'),
the 'four tires' seems obvious, and - I apologise here
- makes me hear a choir singing 'five gold rings'.
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
- might 'reflexively' or 'instinctively' be better?
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
- pedant's point, but - if N is oblivious to everything
how does he hear 'Marty'?
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
- it stumbles a little a the last, for me.
I think it's the 'towards'.
Maybe cut the line after 'physics'?
or
... momentum of steel
and the feel of snow?
By way of food for thought
a January squall
light
clinging to snowflakes
snow
sticking to everything
me, Marty, Red
we had the road to ourselves
our battle
swerving across medians
our turf
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics of steel
towards snow
Best, Knot
.
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2019
Cool
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything As much as I hate to have my first comment here be disagreeing with a moderator, I really love these two lines in themselves. The "light" line evokes the eye-dazzling light show that is a snowstorm. The "snow" line magnifies it, and gives us a very agreeable play with the parallels of "clinging" and "sticking". However, I do agree that it has a very different tone to the rest of the poem. It sets the reader up for almost delicate beauty, and I felt like I had to shift gears to get into the high-paced action that follows. If that's a deliberate contrast, do you want to make it more distinct? Really make the reader feel the quiet of the snow-muffled scene, then ka-CHOW! teen-aged driver comin' through!?
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror Yep, this phrase nails it for me.
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks Perhaps it's the unfinished story here that originally prompted you to have the line "This is no cautionary tale." For me the image of hurtling toward snow banks pushes my brain toward seeking conclusions: Did you hit them? Hard or soft landing? etc.. (But then, I'm a mom.) Wanting that conclusion makes it hard for me to focus on Marty's words. Since you've taken out the part that tells me to not worry about it, what if you changed "towards" to "around" or "through" or "over". You get the idea -- something that doesn't include the possibility of interrupted motion. Your ride keeps going, and you want us to keep going with you, right?
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously Yes, I agree with the other commenters who feel like the word "unconsciously" just doesn't seem to fit well. Part of it might be the apparent discrepancy that palming the wheel is unconscious while driving is the only thing you're not oblivious to.
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow I like the overall movement of this poem from scene to action to the interior of the car to the interior of your mind.
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Threads: 11
Joined: May 2014
So much good critique here! Thanks to the three of you. I will revisit it this weekend. Vikiirna as a father of 5, I share your concern, especially as two of my daughters are starting their first winter on the road!
Posts: 6
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Really love what you've done with the first stanza. Three lines of short vowels in polysyllabic gerund phrases start us off all lilting and passive, then, boom! four strong short words (two iamb, complete with long vowels on the stressed syllables, ) make the first strong declarative statement of the poem. You have shifted our gears, and we are ready to fly. Nicely done!
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi bbc,
another improvement,
though I think you can go still further  Our Rites
- Sends me to 'Last Rites' (which
then leaves me disappointed).
I thinkthere's a better title out there.
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
a picturesque squall
- it's a bit telling, not showing, but ... ok.
and the road was ours
- which road? Even if fictional, a better
sense of place would lift this, I think.
(Also 'whole road' ?)
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
- is 'spinning' the right term?
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
- maybe smooth this out a bit
a high school thrill ride,
me, Mart, Red
and the exuberant terror
young men (in a ?) crave ...
our battle
our turf
four tires skating
- given the two 'ours' preceding this line,
why not 'our tires ...' ?
under street lights
three boys hurtling
- similarly, why not 'us hurtling' ?
at snow banks
in the back
Marty squealed
- Wonder what would happen if you put
all this in the present tense? 'squealed'
deprives this of any real tension
"You're so cool!"
as instinctively
- I think you could afford to cut this line
I palmed the wheel
focused on the physics
of steel flying towards snow
- perhaps condense the final two lines?
lost in the physics
of winter
Best, Knot
.
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Threads: 0
Joined: Jan 2020
(12-07-2019, 01:09 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Our Rites
I love this, will play a bit
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything .......................... Omit second line
a picturesque squall
and the road was ours
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
four tires skating ..................... Tires skating under street lights
under street lights hurtling towards snow banks
three boys hurtling
at snow banks
in the back .................. from the back
Marty squealed Marty yelled out
"You're so cool!"
as instinctively omit as..... Instinctively I palmed the wheel.....
I palmed the wheel
focused on the physics
of steel flying towards snow I enjoyed this, felt the speed as well as the excitement.
Love the way the last line sums it up
-------------
Cool
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
—————————
Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow clinging to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
this is no cautionary tale
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the geometry
of steel towards snow
Posts: 57
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2014
Thanks I appreciate your critique, gets me a little closer. I'll incorporate some of your suggestion in a revision
(01-17-2020, 08:18 AM)audrey Wrote: (12-07-2019, 01:09 AM)bbcashdollar Wrote: Our Rites
I love this, will play a bit
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything .......................... Omit second line
a picturesque squall
and the road was ours
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
four tires skating ..................... Tires skating under street lights
under street lights hurtling towards snow banks
three boys hurtling
at snow banks
in the back .................. from the back
Marty squealed Marty yelled out
"You're so cool!"
as instinctively omit as..... Instinctively I palmed the wheel.....
I palmed the wheel
focused on the physics
of steel flying towards snow I enjoyed this, felt the speed as well as the excitement.
Love the way the last line sums it up
-------------
Cool
a January squall
light clinging to snowflakes
snow sticking to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
from the back seat
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the Physics
of steel towards snow
—————————
Cool
light clinging to snowflakes
snow clinging to everything
we had the road to ourselves
swerving across medians
spinning through intersections
a high school thrill ride
me, Marty, Red
the exuberant terror
young men crave
our battle
our turf
4 tires skating
under street lights
3 boys hurtling
towards snow banks
this is no cautionary tale
"You're so cool!,"
Marty squealed
as unconsciously
I palmed the wheel
oblivious to everything
but the geometry
of steel towards snow
|
