First Edit: Alone Together

[Richard]

First Edit:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
but I can't ignore the voices in the wind
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule an invisible smile
only I can see.

I remember I tried to be resilient,
how I tried not to look
when you were sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.
I even pretended to sleep
while you cried.

But his room so silent, so still,
struck me worse than any sobbing.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.

It wouldn’t be fair
to call this hell,
no demons lurk,
no pitch fork hides in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined.


Original:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind,
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile.

Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.

I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.

It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking,
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life.

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, a strong piece with an apt but sort of boring title. You might be a able to dig a little deeper and come up with something unique, the poem deserves it. Some nits and comments:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind, No comma
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile. Strong line, this opening immediately conveys a sense of loss, past enjoyment in other people's enjoyment and an attempt to move past the envy of what they have. Works well for me.

Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day. A beautiful way to say icy.

I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried. Possibly comma here.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing. This is an interesting line. The whole strophe brings the weight of silence clearly.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two, Clear through here.
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.
This line confuses me although I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. I'm not sure what the temptation is, it seems to be cutting but I can't quite put it together with drowned, which has a false finality for me. When I follow this line through to drown I find a face with so many cuts he's unlikely to continue the poem. Still it's an interesting line.

It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking, There are.
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life.
I might prefer it without "by life", the poem is more specific and I don't see what it adds.

I hope this helps a bit, thanks for the fine read.

[Richard]

Hey Ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. I was a bit unsure about the temptation line myself. I was wondering if it's one of those times where it sounds nice, but the meaning is a bit muddled. I wasn't 100% happy with the ending either, so I really like your suggestion there.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

Richard,

You have some good things going on here. Some comments.

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind,--This double I try to forget/I try to ignore is a little cumbersome. Perhaps cut line 1 and lead line 2 with Sometimes I try... That doesn't mean that you can't reverse the lines and go with an alternate lead like "I want to", or some such.
who laugh with their children,--wonderful specific choice.
each air molecule a smile.--I tend toward minimalism so this is a bit counter to my usual advice. This line reads a bit abruptly to me. Perhaps some image or adjective to play off of a smile. I like the content though. The air molecule point is interesting.

Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.--Nice visual image. Good way to express the sadness.

I used to pretend to be asleep--like the line break
while you cried.
His room so silent, so still,--death of a child is my take away.
pierced worse than sobbing.--This is workable but I think you should look for something more arresting, still restrained but with more bite to it.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.--This moment of self-revelation through the grief and detachment is well shown through the line break and build up.
One cut became two,--Strong. I like how this blends the physical act of shaving with the cutting off of the old self and relationships. It is both physical and emotional.
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.--I like this. I take it to mean the temptation to cut oneself out of the situation, to escape. Again, great use of using the blood from a shaving cut to describe the epiphany and the cost.

It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,--Possible line break option after fair. That could give the sense of both the fairness to the other grieving partner and then the line break snapping us back to the reality of someone lost in their own grief and assessment.
there’s no demons lurking,--Maybe simplify: no demons lurk (it would also give a parallel structure to the next line).
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life. --You could cut there's. I think the end line is a good payoff. 

I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[vagabond]

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind,
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile.                       though i like how you describe the laughing wind this line with the smiles confuses me, since it seems too positive for the following stanzas.

Sometimes I try not to look 
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.        feels as if the subject himself didn´t want to deal with his sadness, especially with the first stanza. if it were someone else i wonder about the  reason why the subject chooses to ignore the other´s sadness.

I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried.                                            this is something that would only make sense for two separate persons for me.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing.   wouldn´t it be "my room" instead of "his room" then?

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.                   loss of self again.. but why 
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.     the desire to harm oneself fades with enough pain. you have a powerful description.  i think you could omitt the second "redder" it seems repeating the. hmm, maybe write something like stronger instead of redder.

It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking,
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life.   that last stanza seems like an explanation that doesn´t explain things

[Richard]

Hey Todd and vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. It all gave me some wonderful food for thought. I plan on doing on edit of this one some time on the weekend.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've completed my revision. I decided to play around with the structure a bit to see if I could clarify my meaning a little. Feel free to let me know if this is an improvement over the original.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Sorry, it took so long to get back to this Richard. Some comments on your edit.

First Edit:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
but I can't ignore the voices in the wind
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule an invisible smile
only I can see.--nice addition, not for clarity (that was already there) but for refocusing the attention back to the speaker's perceptions and the world. 

I remember I tried to be resilient,--you're already in past tense. I remember I tried is clunky. I don't mind the line but I'd cut I remember.
how I tried not to look--possibly remove the tried repetition with something like "how I made sure not to look"
when you were sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.--Still love the image.
I even pretended to sleep==You could draw out the process more to signal the denial and distance example: I closed my eyes/even pretended to sleep   Just an option of course. It works without that change but it could be nice to stack denial.
while you cried.

But his room so silent, so still,--The but makes this line stronger for the contrast. So still is a nicer (more sonically pleasing way) of saying so lifeless.
struck me worse than any sobbing.--lovely sonics throughout this part.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.--I wonder reading this again if it's the temptation that drowned or if it's the speaker "I" that drowned.

It wouldn’t be fair
to call this hell,
no demons lurk,
no pitch fork hides in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined.

It's a good improvement. 

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. As always, you have wonderful suggestions that constantly help me to improve.

It's funny because in the temptation line I almost changed "it" to "I" while working on this edit, so I might make that change in the next edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
A version of this poem was published in Déraciné Literary Magazine (Issue 5). It would never have happened without work-shopping it on here first, so thank you

[Knot]

.
Congratualtions Richard.  Satisfying final line.

Best, Knot

.

[Richard]

Thanks