The Space Between Earth and Sky (Edt #1)

[UselessBlueprint]

Between the ropes on the tarmac
and this panoptic position,
there is a narrow space
that lasts for just the twinkling of an eye,
or three days at most, if you point to the Sun.
It has been my experience that this 
band is only passed through during 
takeoff, but when the earth recalls your mind through body,
every effort to stay high is like a chick fallen from its nest -
flailing and flapping with panicked precision
until you return to the dirt with sudden grace.

Between the limits of the earth
and the panoptic sky,
there is a narrow space
that lasts for just the twinkling of an eye,
or three days at most, if you can hold it.
It has been my experience that this 
band is only passed through during 
takeoff - to lift you by the arms and carry you,
but when the earth recalls your mind through body,
every effort to grab it looks like a chick fallen from its nest -
flailing and flapping with panicked precision
until you return to the dirt with sudden grace.

[Knot]

.
.
Hi UB,
nice start, nice ending, but it seems a bit muddled in between.
The sky/eye (space/days) rhyme sets up an expectation that
isn't met; the 'parenthetical' ... - to lift .. but when ... nest - ...
is rather tortuous and its a 'narrow space' a 'band' and something
to 'grab'. That said, 'earth recalls your mind through body' is
excellent.


Just a thought


Between the limits of earth
and a panoptic sky,
is a narrow space
that lasts
for just the twinkling of an eye,
or three days
at most,
if you can hold it. Though


it has been my experience
this is only passed through
during takeoff - to lift you
by the arms and carry you -
and when the earth recalls
your mind through body,
you return to the dirt
with sudden grace.



(the repetition of 'earth' and then 'dirt' is a bit disappointing).



Best, Knot




.

[churinga]

This seems to be a mystical expereince,

or three days at most,
if you can hold it.

for me refers to the Buddhas 3 days beneath the bodhi tree.

It has been my experience that this
band is only passed through during
takeoff 

This illusion to planes doesn't help much,

with sudden grace.

good endling.

interesting poem, a difficult subject to write about.

cheers

Ross

[busker]

Between the limits of the earth
and the panoptic sky,
there is a narrow space
that lasts for just the twinkling of an eye,
or three days at most, if you can hold it.
It has been my experience that this 
band is only passed through during 
takeoff - to lift you by the arms and carry you,
but when the earth recalls your mind through body,
every effort to grab it looks like a chick fallen from its nest -
flailing and flapping with panicked precision
until you return to the dirt with sudden grace.

I haven’t been able to grasp the significance of three days
Based on the other comments here there seems to be a Buddhist connection. Wikipedia tells me that according to certain traditions Siddhartha meditated for three days and three nights.
I find the “it” in “it looks like” confusing. What is the subject here? 
“When the earth recalled the mind through body, every effort to grab the mind looks like a etc”
Doesn’t make sense. The effort is not the chick. The mind is. Unless I missed something 

That aside, enjoyed the read

---

Particularly the use of the word “panoptic” in the context of the bramhan

[UselessBlueprint]

@Knot, the rhymes are pretty much unintended. Noted on the parenthetical, as you call it, and I expect to make tweaks, but I'm not confident in removing the falling chick yet -- would the balancing act of tightrope-walker be a better effect? I'm also not a fan of needlessly short lines.

@churinga, I'd prefer that the entire piece be central to the image of a plane, so it may be necessary to introduce that setting early on. I've adjusted this slight so that the image of an airplane shouldn't be too jarring. Not the intended three days, but certainly not a problem. A mention of some number is far too vague to mean anything on its own, so there's usually a need for context before analyzing a number. Context is not universal of course, but I had hoped it would more clear than it seems to be. I've made a change to it, that should make the context slightly more apparent, but it's difficult to select a word that maintains the needed duality.

@busker, same issue with the three days, I suppose. Not a part worth getting hung up on, especially if you can work through the rest of the piece. I totally understand your comment on the "it" not attaching to a proper subject. Changed the wording a bit, because the "it" does refer to the effort, but effort looks like the chick.


Lastly, I'd like to replace the word "return" in the final line, but again, I require some duality between the unprecedented and the recurring. Still searching for such a word.