Iron

[Lawrence]

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.
As gravity loosens its grip,
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but
A slow sinking, concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
Sending him into the waters of dreams.

[billy]

I seem to remember the breathe poem had red balloons

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.
As gravity loosens its grip, would loses be better, (gravity is constant)
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.” why is this verse 1st person, does it need to be? is 'to onlookers below' needed?

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind. this triolet needs some expansion for me

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb where else would the moon be but outside?
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if would 'it dims as if' suffice
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away. i like this verse very much.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock. i really like this verse.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but balloon
A slow sinking, concrete tied what is a concrete?
To the soul; blood becoming iron- love this line
Sending him into the waters of dreams. a

some good images. specially the 4th. it strong.

It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away. feels a little weak to me

the last verse closed of the poem well.
are the quotation marks needed? for me it made do double take without
achieving anything new. i couldn't read the verse as 1st person per say,
still that could just be me.

i like the ambiguity of it. and need to think a bit more about before i come to any sort of solid conclusion.
a good poem for me, thanks for the read as always Lawrence

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

Sorry it's taken me some time to get back to all of these. Since this is connected to The Coat, these comments will refer in some ways to both poems. I left that poem with someone that felt like a serial killer to me (the rattlesnake line especially). Iron (which is a good title when you consider the opening stanza--the iron that is in the blood). I may be totally misinterpreting this but here goes:

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.--sounds like a victim to me.
As gravity loosens its grip,--you could cut the "as" if you wanted
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.”--these last two lines shift the image well. It's ominous, and it's beautiful writing

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind.--I wansn't sure about sleep won't be seduced. I feel we are probably talking about death but this meaning didn't fully come through for me. I think you could cut the prosy "He sighs" and simply render the passage in italics. Just a thought.

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb[b]--You'd previously described the moon this way in The Coat: He looks upward; the moon
Is a broken monocle. You then go on to mention bulbs. There is nothing wrong with this phrasing in general but if this is part 2 of a series you need to keep the images new and fresh between the parts.
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away.--to me Lawrence these three previous lines are too wordy. You have the awesome: "Sometimes if the clouds are thin," I would consider getting to the payoff sooner.

Example:

Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
The last words only slip away.

Again just a thought.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-[b]--I had a Sound of Music flashback here. Not trying to be harsh but you have such original language throughout, this part was a let down.
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even--consider starting with this line and the one that follows. They are truly beautifully done.
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock.--love all the rest of these lines. Maybe add a "the" before turning to enhance the structure.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"[b]--Again, this might be stronger in italics cutting the first line.

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but
A slow sinking, concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
Sending him into the waters of dreams.

Not meaning to rewrite your last strophe but feel you could condense and do a few cuts to strengthen this. Maybe:

Sleep suddenly arrives
Not with the lightness
Of a red ballon, but a slow sinking
Concrete-block tied to the soul;
Blood becoming iron-
becoming the waters of dreams.

Some truly excellent lines. Take or leave what you like from the comments. I hope they're helpful to you.

Best,

Todd