Japan:
not worth tearing down
meticulously built
tenantless apartments
rural villages
of empty houses
souls departed
children unconceived
China:
skyscrapers glare down
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
blocks of shoddy flats
dilapidate near nowhere
dissipating savings
ownership denied
villages of empty houses
urban swaths
of apartment buildings
without tenants
lightly but meticulously built
not worth tearing down
souls departed
vanished with
children unconceived:
Japan
glaring skyscrapers
blocks of residential houses
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied:
China
This should probably go in Miscellaneous, being political-economic-cultural-current events, but what do our critics suggest?
I think using the names of the countries is a bit too explanatory for my taste. Subtle clues might be nicer. For example, L1 might read ‘villages of empty jinka, or some such. Any reader worth having, IMO, would take the time to google ‘jinka’
I swapped a coupleof lines around, so ‘up close shoddy made...’ came directly after the houses, not after the highways:
glaring skyscrapers eight-lane highways empty, empty, empty blocks of residential houses up close shoddy-made decayed built near nowhere to defraud a people of their savings with vain hopes of ownership denied: China
I understand the social implications, but think you need something to tie them together into an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps just an ending couplet. Otherwise, I wonder ‘why the comparison?’ I do question whether the Chinese homes were built as an intentional attempt to defraud (more money could have been scammed if they never actually built the homes), or if was just an ill-conceived grand plan that failed miserably.
And I wonder if ‘residential houses’ might be redundant. Residential structures, maybe?
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
villages of empty houses
urban swaths
of apartment buildings
without tenants
lightly but meticulously built
not worth tearing down
souls departed
vanished with
children unconceived:
Japan
glaring skyscrapers
blocks of residential houses
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied:
China
This should probably go in Miscellaneous, being political-economic-cultural-current events, but what do our critics suggest?
This should probably be in miscellaneous as there isn’t an attempt at poetic craft here in my view, just a political statement. Good for discussion, but I don’t see the value in workshopping this one.
(07-29-2019, 07:52 AM)Seraphim Wrote: I think using the names of the countries is a bit too explanatory for my taste. Subtle clues might be nicer. For example, L1 might read ‘villages of empty jinka, or some such. Any reader worth having, IMO, would take the time to google ‘jinka’
I swapped a coupleof lines around, so ‘up close shoddy made...’ came directly after the houses, not after the highways:
glaring skyscrapers eight-lane highways empty, empty, empty blocks of residential houses up close shoddy-made decayed built near nowhere to defraud a people of their savings with vain hopes of ownership denied: China
I understand the social implications, but think you need something to tie them together into an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps just an ending couplet. Otherwise, I wonder ‘why the comparison?’ I do question whether the Chinese homes were built as an intentional attempt to defraud (more money could have been scammed if they never actually built the homes), or if was just an ill-conceived grand plan that failed miserably.
And I wonder if ‘residential houses’ might be redundant. Residential structures, maybe?
Thanks! Your observations are valuable, particularly about changing order of lines and the redundancy of "residential houses" (probably will change to "residential structures" unless something better comes to mind. "Jinka" would be, I think, a step too far... in fact, I'm considering moving the nation identifiers to start instead of ends of stanzas. The two situations are mysterious enough in plain language!
@busker - You'll have to take my word for it that an attempt at poetic craft was made... which is not to say it wasn't so poor as to be invisible. Think of my submtting it for crit as a call for help, perhaps?
On the issues (specifically Chinese "ghost cities" rather than Japanes ghost apartments - the latter seem to be Things That Can't Be Helped, not, like the ghost cities across the water, Things Not Spoken Of) I find myself in a peculiar situation. First, yes, though the poem compares and contrasts the two situations, politics infuses everything these days. So be it.
Second, without in any way doubting your statement, I find it difficult to classify the "ghost cities" phenomenon and its causes simply "ill informed." First, the alternate hypothesis to their existence would be that they're a propaganda construct. Physical existence is hard to hide: they're visible from orbit. A lie large enough to insert them into Google Earth(sm) as well as the associated drone/helicopter views would require as much effort as building the darned things.
Motives for such a gigantic propaganda exercise are also hard to discern. What would be its purpose other than to make mainland China lose face collectively? That may be a credible motive for some, but parsimony (Occam's Razor) says otherwise. They exist, and denials (not yours, which is based on evidence of your own eyes) only strengthen the conclusion that they're a major embarrassment.
As to the financial situation, as best I can determine they were run up by provincial/local authorities but "ownership" (actually a long-term lease) on apartments in them was an individual traded item, thus grist for fraud. The issue of corruption vs. criminal origin of the fraud (I guess the term for the middle ground between the two would be "chicanery") seems irrelevant, but one involves national loss of face while the other does not.
A central issue is the denial of real (in both senses) property, which is indeed ideological, hence political. The human cost is waste and loss, or so it seems to me. A third stanza could consider the American/Irish case where buyers and financiers colluded in fraud which presumed prices would always rise, and everyone lost. Some of those houses, too, stood empty... with their plumbing, windows, and all other saleable parts stripped!
Thanks for the read and comments. Update (to the poem) following in due course.
The discussion on what is really happening in China vs what Fox News or the Daily Mail (or even CNN and the NYT, with its homosexual greenie lefties surprisingly in agreement with the cynically manipulative twats of the Murdoch press on this issue) perhaps belongs to another forum
But setting the poem's argument aside (which is what we do anyway when reading Kipling or Billy the Kid), as a poem, it contains far too few poetic elements.
Some observations below:
villages of empty houses ....a flat opening.
urban swaths ....'swaths' cliched
of apartment buildings
without tenants....at this point, the reader might wonder where this line is going. So far, no payoff for the time invested
lightly but meticulously built ..."meticulously" is telling, not showing. Prosaic.
not worth tearing down ...again, telling, not showing
souls departed ... this is as cliched as it can get! :-)
vanished with
children unconceived: ...vanished / unconceived is a good pair, this is the only line that stands out
Japan
glaring skyscrapers ... cliched
blocks of residential houses
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty ...
up close shoddy-made decayed ...better than what the Yanks build these days, but again, too much of a lecturing narrator here
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied: ... again, too much of a lecturing narrator here
China
This should probably go in Miscellaneous, being political-economic-cultural-current events, but what do our critics suggest?
Japan:
not worth tearing down
meticulously built
tenantless apartments
rural villages
of empty houses
souls departed
children unconceived
China:
skyscrapers glare down
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
blocks of shoddy flats
dilapidate near nowhere
dissipating savings
ownership denied
Thanks to all the critics new and old. I've tried to apply their suggestions as best I could, particularly @Knot's elegant rewrite (for stripping out non-essentials). I did not change the title or add verses for other countries, though that remains under consideration. I've also, thanks to @busker, tried to up my poetic craft a bit.
As a general side-note, use of accusations such as "poorly sourced," "misinformed," "ill-informed," and "misinformation" always sparks my interest. They (along with "rumor," "unproven," and their ilk) evade a central question: is the information true? Although an incautious reader might think that assertions so labeled have been called false (or "refuted," a common and inaccurate expression) in fact the user of these terms is frequently evading just that judgment... often with good reason. "Misinformation" can have two meanings: the obvious (that the information is false) and, more subtly, that the information, while true, was mistakenly allowed to be disseminated.
When this happens, it's an example of what military intelligence calls "content analysis" - that is, if regime troll farms pile onto a particular subject of interest, what they say about it is not important. What content analysis tells us is that the regime is very worried about that subject: the exact form its worry takes (impugning sources or those who mention it, suppression, complaints of racism, etc.) is much less important than the level of activity.
.
Hi duke,
bit confused by 'Japan' - who is it that doesn't think the apartments are worth 'tearing down' and why?
(And what's with preferring a new build to buying a 'second-hand' property?)
Wondered if reordering 'Japan' might be beneficial, as in
Japan: Genkai shūraku ancestors mourning
children unconceived
tenantless apartments
meticulously built
not worth tearing down
(08-01-2019, 08:02 PM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi duke,
bit confused by 'Japan' - who is it that doesn't think the apartments are worth 'tearing down' and why?
(And what's with preferring a new build to buying a 'second-hand' property?)
Wondered if reordering 'Japan' might be beneficial, as in
Japan: Genkai shūraku ancestors mourning
children unconceived
tenantless apartments
meticulously built
not worth tearing down
Best, Knot
.
Thanks, this points out a missing factor that needs to be included somehow - that Japanese houses traditionally last about 25 years, then are torn down and rebuilt (perhaps a carryover from past ages of fire and earthquake). The houses of those who have passed would *normally* be torn down and replaced - but with such lean successor generations coming up, there would be no market for the fresh replacements, so no point in clearing the sites.
I hesitate to include foreign language when I don't know the connotation as well as the dictionary definition: it's a good way to make a (greater) fool of onesself. Bad enough to mention a phase of the moon or kind of flowering tree without knowing its extended meanings!
Non-practicing atheist
