(07-29-2019, 05:33 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Ghost Neighborhoods


villages of empty houses
urban swaths
of apartment buildings
without tenants
lightly but meticulously built
not worth tearing down
souls departed
vanished with
children unconceived:
Japan


glaring skyscrapers
blocks of residential houses
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied:
China

This should probably go in Miscellaneous, being political-economic-cultural-current events, but what do our critics suggest?

(07-29-2019, 07:52 AM)Seraphim Wrote:  I think using the names of the countries is a bit too explanatory for my taste.  Subtle clues might be nicer. For example, L1  might read ‘villages of empty jinka, or some such. Any reader worth having, IMO, would take the time to google ‘jinka’



I swapped a coupleof lines around, so ‘up close shoddy made...’ came directly after the houses, not after the highways:

glaring skyscrapers
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty
blocks of residential houses
up close shoddy-made decayed
built near nowhere to
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied: 
China

I understand the social implications, but think you need something to tie them together into an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps just an ending couplet. Otherwise, I wonder ‘why the comparison?’ I do question whether the Chinese homes were built as an intentional attempt to defraud (more money could have been scammed if they never actually built the homes), or if was just an ill-conceived grand plan that failed miserably.

---

And I wonder if ‘residential houses’ might be redundant.  Residential structures, maybe?

(07-29-2019, 05:33 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Ghost Neighborhoods


villages of empty houses  ....a flat opening. 
urban swaths ....'swaths' cliched
of apartment buildings
without tenants ....at this point, the reader might wonder where this line is going. So far, no payoff for the time invested
lightly but meticulously built ..."meticulously" is telling, not showing. Prosaic.
not worth tearing down ...again, telling, not showing
souls departed ... this is as cliched as it can get! :-)
vanished with
children unconceived: ...vanished / unconceived is a good pair, this is the only line that stands out 
Japan


glaring skyscrapers ... cliched
blocks of residential houses
eight-lane highways
empty, empty, empty ... 
up close shoddy-made decayed ...better than what the Yanks build these days, but again, too much of a lecturing narrator here
built near nowhere to 
defraud a people of
their savings with vain hopes
of ownership denied: ... again, too much of a lecturing narrator here
China

This should probably go in Miscellaneous, being political-economic-cultural-current events, but what do our critics suggest?

(08-01-2019, 08:02 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi duke,
bit confused by 'Japan' - who is it that doesn't think the apartments are worth 'tearing down' and why?
(And what's with preferring a new build to buying a 'second-hand' property?)

Wondered if reordering 'Japan' might be beneficial, as in

Japan:
Genkai shūraku
ancestors mourning
children unconceived
tenantless apartments
meticulously built
not worth tearing down


Best, Knot

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