even the sky

[cloud]

V2.0

you can scream
in the night,
each breath
spent
is swallowed
by the air
and sometimes,
if you wait, even
the sky weeps
for you, and
echoes
back

[rowens]

It works as is. But one of those ones where you want to turn the page and see what's next. The rhythm works well, and is the best part about it.

[cloud]

It works as is. But one of those ones where you want to turn the page and see what's next. The rhythm works well, and is the best part about it.

cheers, 

V2.0 gave it a go

[rowens]

I don't see any difference. Or any reason for there've been any changes made. It's something that can be made essential by other poems. That's the way it seems. Quick and self-explanatory.

[cloud]

I don't see any difference. Or any reason for there've been any changes made. It's something that can be made essential by other poems. That's the way it seems. Quick and self-explanatory.

that's the form, and do you think that adds or subtracts to the essence of the poem?  
The form you mentioned is characteristic of how I usually deliver my poetry, and it's my suspicion the tone tends to come off as flat and no different than depressing truisms to lull your sense of discomfort

[rowens]

The poem stands on its own. I can't see any faults in it. But it's a light poem. Some people might say you should add to it. But rather than changing it, you could consider other poems you've written or write others to strengthen it. It's hard to critique this kind of poem. Or I'll put it this way, the poem makes me want more, but I don't think it's a good idea to change it.