green green

[bogpan]

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage,
and a green coluber in the sea of green

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

[Richard]

Hey bogpan,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I feel like there's too much repetition for a shorter piece. I'll go into more detail below:

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon -The word "green" is in the title twice, so consider a different word than "greenest".

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, -I quite like the goat imagery here. This line stuck in my head after reading the entire piece.
and a green coluber in the sea of green -The word "green" is here twice, so I would suggest rewording this line.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

Maybe think about changing the title, so to help with the overabundance of the repetition of the word "green". I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[bogpan]

Hey bogpan,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I feel like there's too much repetition for a shorter piece. I'll go into more detail below:

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon -The word "green" is in the title twice, so consider a different word than "greenest".

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, -I quite like the goat imagery here. This line stuck in my head after reading the entire piece.
and a green coluber in the sea of green -The word "green" is here twice, so I would suggest rewording this line.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

Maybe think about changing the title, so to help with the overabundance of the repetition of the word "green". I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

Hello Richard. Thank you for your feedback. Yes, I will think of your suggestion to change the title. Thank you very much for your reading.

[cloud]

I automatically search for meaning in any given poem, I'm beginning to think that's a bad habit now.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines nice line
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon I don't understand the conjugation with unrelated sentences

ah, the sea got stormy today a little random 

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly interesting imagery but my mind can't digest these lines as the semantics are unintelligible
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, 
and a green coluber, one with in the  sea of green 
ah, you won’t remember the  forget sweet October when you take a sip of juice I feel like repetition doesn't do any justice here

The imagery would benefit from a coherency and more fluent wording

[billy]

watch out for repetition. the [ah] isn't helping the poem much and too many greens. though you have some good imagery, i'm struggling to put them all together, the images need tying together.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines [dripped] it's past tense good opening image.
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage,
and a green coluber in the sea of green

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

[nozaki]

like this a lot- 

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines 
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon -'little girl' in l4 obviates the need for 'little' here 

ah, the sea got stormy today 

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly -don't think quickly is necessary here. 
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, 
and a green coluber in the sea of green -repetition of green verges on heavy

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice -love this last line. 

good work

[Cesar]

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips (dripped) from the vines
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon

ah, the sea got stormy today Give a little more background, maybe describe the vinyard as "a mass of leaves rolling as waves on open sea", or something else, before this line, it'll perfectly tie in with the line near the end.

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage,
and a green coluber in the sea of green

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

Definitely keeps the two ahs, it holds the poem together.
Beautiful piece, just needs a little more refinement.