Glimmer

[crow]

Glimmer


Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work

Line 9: out. I don’t know how to process all
Line 10: of this. I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 11: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 12: I don’t know how to be good.  To smile. How
Line 13: to fix my eyes on something beautiful 
Line 14: and say, “Isn’t that beautiful thing worth it?”

But I love her, so fuck it. I’ll figure it out. Line 15 can kiss my ass.

[Knot]

Hi Crow,
like the form/at and the idea. You snuck in a revision
while I was thinking. Much better ending! And L14
now makes sense. The only think I'm not keen on is
the title, can't relate it to the piece (give us a clue).

Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
- (Put a zero in front of the single digit lines, for the aesthetics)
Good opening line. You could, maybe, make L2 a higher number,
to give the impression that more time has passed.
You might also consider inserting L13 here,
Line 13: How to fix my eyes on something beautiful.
(suggested this before I saw your revised ending, but I think
the idea, of a more fragmented/random thought process to
start has some merit).
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- think you should skip this line and go to L5
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
- I like the question here, perhaps a few more might be asked?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
- don't think the repetition works here. Not after the question.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
- This (with the 'over and over' and 'the man who') is a bit clumsy,
and there's an ambiguity here in that one could interpret the line as
reading that the rapist also said how much he needed her.
(I think, following on from L5, it should begin
Line 07: Should I repeat ... )
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work
- like this enjambment, but the next few are not doing enough.
I don't think L9-12 are as clear as they might be, the progression
of thoughts doesn't flow, it feels a bit rushed here.

Just a suggestion:
Line 08: how much I need her? Should I say how much
Line 09: I want to be good? To smile. [to z] That I don't know
Line 10: how such things can work out. That I don’t know how
Line 11: to fix my eyes on something beautiful. That I don't
Line 12: know how to process, how to ... Help.
Line 13: But I love her. So fuck it. I’ll figure it out.
Line 14: This line can kiss my ass.


Regards, Knot.


.

[rowens]

I assume the title is a glimmer of into how to process all this. For a poem that repeats its lostness and confusion over and over in the same words, and added to that one of those meta effects that makes the poem less important than the sentiment and distress, real or not, there's not much that needs reworking. If anything.

[billy]

for me the last line feels forced because you ran out of things to say or just couldn't stop at line 14. the title works well because of the repetitiveness there's not a lot to give feedback on. the repetition does work though. the one thing i got stabbed with was the rape line. if i'm reading it correctly it's the rape of her you're trying to process.

Glimmer



Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work

Line 9: out. I don’t know how to process all
Line 10: of this. I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 11: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 12: I don’t know how to be good. To smile. How
Line 13: to fix my eyes on something beautiful
Line 14: and say, “Isn’t that beautiful thing worth it?”

But I love her, so fuck it. I’ll figure it out. Line 15 can kiss my ass.

[rowens]

This is an odd poem, so I'm hoping it's ok to make another odd comment. The ''beautiful thing'' line is kind of weak, but you did say you're having a hard time knowing the right thing to say. Your girlfriend gets raped, you may feel you don't know what to say, how to help; and that sexual anger, it is an odd thing to deal with. A horrible thing to deal with. . . . I assume you're implying the sexual jealousy you feel that's only going to make your girlfriend feel worse. Because it happened to her, not you. Though, it does feel like it happened to you.

---

I said this after reading the other feedback, I don't know if there's still a rule against that. Respond to the poem, not the feedback. But it does seem to me that the rapist did say he needed her, . . . and that makes it all the more horrid to deal with.

[alatos]

Glimmer


Line 1: I don’t know how to process all of this
Line 2: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 3: Help me.
Line 4: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 5: I don’t know . . . Am I supposed to do something?
Line 6: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 7: I could repeat, over and over, like the man who raped her
Line 8: how much I need her. How much things can work

Line 9: out. I don’t know how to process all - Are you saying the man who raped her claimed that things can work... out? Not sure I understand the enjambment here, either.
Line 10: of this. I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 11: I don’t know how to process all of this.
Line 12: I don’t know how to be good.  To smile. How
Line 13: to fix my eyes on something beautiful 
Line 14: and say, “Isn’t that beautiful thing worth it?”

But I love her, so fuck it. I’ll figure it out. Line 15 can kiss my ass.

I think the repetition is surprisingly nice. Lines 13-15 is where this falls apart for me. I really like where you're going in line 12, "I don't know how to be good," but I think that needs explored more in the context of processing a rape. Do you mean good as in "okay" (e.g. "I'm good"), or good as in good vs. evil? Is it a little of both? I think line 13-15 fall into borderline cliche. I do really like "line 15 can kiss my ass," but "But I love her, so fuck it," feels a little forced to me. I really like a lot of this poem, and I think if you sort of clarify/make more original that ending you would really have a great piece here!

[rowens]

I like: I love her, so fuck it. It's stops being a poem, and you can get away with cliches too. In a thing like this. It's all about busting out of the tension of a made thing, a poem. And that's not easy to do. Cliche isn't the right word, 'gimmick' is. You handled it right on the border of gimmick. I think you ended up on the right side.