Bailey [v1.003]

[cloud]

Bailey [v1.003]

enter warm eyes; blinding as the sun
scorched inside and out
engulfed in the month of may
come ash, and shadow cast flames
wherever she goes, her fading rays clung

Her gaze is the blinding sun
inside and out engulfed in flames
scorched in the month of may
grey ash casts' clouds
as her fading rays
desperately clung for the last time

Her soul is the blinding sun
scorched;
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds
watching this bitch die
as her fading rays 
desperately clung to the nearest object

[Richard]

Hey cloud,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I feel like you could be more specific. I'll go into more detail below:

Bailey

Her soul is the blinding sun -To me, soul is too hard to picture. Why not pick a specific feature?
scorched;
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds -Again, instead of saying "sorrow," why not use a specific image? Maybe some descriptor for the clouds to indicate sorrow?
watching this bitch die -I quite like the last three lines here, and I wonder if this line would make a better opening. It catches my attention more than the current opening line.
as her fading rays 
desperately clung to the nearest object

I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[billy]

hi Cloud.

i like the extended metaphor but feel the individual images could be stronger, words like soul, sorrow are intangibles and often weaken a metaphor when used alone. [her ****** soul....] insert word of choice

in the last three lines i'd suggest [this bitch] and [clings] or [that bitch] and [clung] or just [the bitch]

you have the making of a good short poem.

Bailey

Her soul is the blinding sun
scorched;
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds [casted] is more of an old type word, for instance, in fishing i'd say [he cast his bait] nice alliteration with the C's
watching this bitch die
as her fading rays this is the best part of the metaphor
desperately clung to the nearest object

[CRNDLSM]

I'm picturing a wounded retriever in a field, maybe shot, maybe wolved or bear'd, but with an angry tone towards some man or men that brought this about.  I've met a lot of dogs named Bailey.  

Bailey

Her soul is the blinding sun 
scorched; is the sun scorched?
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds
watching this bitch die
as her fading rays 
desperately clung to the nearest object

[cloud]

Thanks for the feedback, finals have me bolted to my studies

I'm picturing a wounded retriever in a field, maybe shot, maybe wolved or bear'd, but with an angry tone towards some man or men that brought this about.  I've met a lot of dogs named Bailey.  

That's a spot on comparison actually; a task oriented, loyal, companion, broken and lost. Disharmony on some level, unforeseen to the dog, things just happen and it sucks ass!

I liked your comparison of the souls being scorched by the sun very intense Also men's ashes shadowing flied is very strong a vivid image Referring to sorrows as cloud very imaginative
The reference to bitch to me spoils what is other wise a nice poem

Noted! I thought so too.