rock heart

[cloud]

[Edit 3.333333]

a bleeding sea
softly leaks

arcing streams
of seamless flow

cresting skies
falling
like silent drops

[Edit 2.0001]

streams in arc
gently crumble
rests seamlessly

a bleeding sea
softly leaking

falling
like silent drops

[Edit 1.589]

a gentle stream
softly crumbles
by resting shores

where all rivers arc
in seamless flow
lay the sea; soaring 

waves crest
above morning clouds
falling
like a silent drop

by resting shores,
a gentle stream
softly crumbles
where all rivers arc
in seamless flow

[billy]

hi cloud, there's a good image in the centre of the poem. and on the whole it reads well; that said, i'd love to see it as one stanza in a larger, more expanded poem.

by resting shores,
a gentle stream
softly crumbles
where all rivers arc
in seamless flow

[cloud]

hi cloud, there's a good image in the centre of the poem. and on the whole it reads well; that said, i'd love to see it as one stanza in a larger, more expanded poem.

yarp yarp

[Ally]

Hi cloud,

I'm commenting on Edit 1.589 :-)

I like the streams, rivers, sea. I'm a bit stuck on 'lay', though, as I expected something like 'towards'. I think there's a movement towards the sea, but I might have missed the meaning (if so, sorry!).

Best wishes,
Ally

[billy]

i didn't really give enough feedback so here goes. both first lines could be stronger.
in connection to the title the poem takes on a solid metaphorical meaning. both meanings work well, i'd just like to see more depths.

[Edit 1.589]

a gentle stream
softly crumbles this is an excellent image, it really capture what happens in connection to the next line. loved it
by resting shores

where all rivers arc
in seamless flow
lay the sea; soaring  another good image.

waves crest
above morning clouds
falling
like a silent drop a suggestion would be "like silent drops"

by resting shores,
a gentle stream
softly crumbles
where all rivers arc
in seamless flow

^OG

[cloud]

Hi cloud,

I'm commenting on Edit 1.589 :-)

I like the streams, rivers, sea. I'm a bit stuck on 'lay', though, as I expected something like 'towards'. I think there's a movement towards the sea, but I might have missed the meaning (if so, sorry!).

Best wishes,
Ally

Thanks Ally, no misinterpretations exist imo! & I agree, that word choice seems more fluid

i didn't really give enough feedback so here goes. both first lines could be stronger.
in connection to the title the poem takes on a solid metaphorical meaning. both meanings work well, i'd just like to see more depths.

[Edit 1.589]

a gentle stream
softly crumbles this is an excellent image, it really capture what happens in connection to the next line. loved it
by resting shores

where all rivers arc
in seamless flow
lay the sea; soaring  another good image.

waves crest
above morning clouds
falling
like a silent drop a suggestion would be "like silent drops"

by resting shores,
a gentle stream
softly crumbles
where all rivers arc
in seamless flow

^OG

Thank you for following up, Billy
I think a lack of critique on this piece confirms my initial concern of it being too generic, or safe, or that it has no memorable qualities.
I agree on the weakness of the first two lines, and it makes me question if centering the tone of the poem around "calmness" or "tranquility" was a bad idea.

could you elaborate on what you mean by "depth" here?
your other remarks are noted, thanks!

[Ally]

Cool :-)

[Richard]

Hey cloud,
I think you have some nice imagery within the poem. However, I wonder if you could incorporate the title more. I do have some suggestions below:

[Edit 1.589]

a gentle stream
softly crumbles -What if you start with this line, so it could refer to the rock heart? Maybe even cut the first line?
by resting shores

where all rivers arc -If you took my advice from above, then I would also suggest cutting "where" from this line.
in seamless flow
lay the sea; soaring 

waves crest
above morning clouds
falling
like a silent drop -I like this ending, but agree with billy's suggestion to change it to "like silent drops"

by resting shores,
a gentle stream
softly crumbles
where all rivers arc
in seamless flow

^OG

I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[cloud]

Hey cloud,
I think you have some nice imagery within the poem. However, I wonder if you could incorporate the title more.

I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

I took up the pen on the image of rocks against water
revisions have distorted the title's implication,
but science has told us

erosion occurs when:
waves of love exhaust
layers of heart and rock

[billy]

i think the poem needs more. it needs to hold the reader and keep them in the poem even after they've read it. it's a pleasant poem and if that's was your aim you succeeded. personally i think it could be a really good pleasant poem if you could give the river and the sea more of an anthropomorphic feel, make them both live.

could you elaborate on what you mean by "depth" here?
your other remarks are noted, thanks!

[Ally]

Hi cloud,

It's shorter now. I know, I'm very observant, hehe.

In your most recent reply, you write, 'revisions have distorted the title's implication'. And then you write about erosion, in a sort of mini-poem I really enjoyed reading. It's almost like a haiku. I don't know whether you're going to come back to the main poem, but if you do my suggestion would be to introduce a character, someone who experiences the erosion. Anyway, just a thought :-)

Best wishes,
Ally

[pigpoem]

hi cloud. very descriptive and expressive poetry. all 3 can be linked into emotions and how one is feeling and trying to express themselves and this was my connection with the sea stream and skies. very clever how you linked these 3 things into your work. also the tittle of your poem ie rock heart also leads me to feel it is about emotions as these are felt in the heart.

[JkArcher]

hey mate, i reallly liked your poem, felt soft yet deep.
this is just my personal opinion but i think i would have liked a little more elaboration,
only just started writing poetry though so i could be entirely missing the point : cheers

[ginaparaoan]

Hi Cloud,

I love the metaphor. It feels to me like an endless lamentation that even the skies could not help but feel you. The opening was strong and precise. But the meaning withers. It begs for more.

To me, nothing ties it all together; makes me feel like the sorrow is meaningless and in vain. There was no cause or purpose to the bleeding.
That’s how it feels to me.

But it was good work to be able to describe the feeling with this intensity in limited words.