Honey Crisps

[Radetof.Yahska]

Beauty demonstrated
in flesh and blood
a musky embrace
a dying rasp.
 
Eroded facts and figures
bask in the everlasting sun.
 
Creeping inside hollows;
a denial of instinct.
 
Condemning bells peal distantly.
The suddenness and scale fail to satisfy.

[Knot]

Hi Radetof.


Honey Crisps
baffled by the title


A suggestion for layout:

Beauty demonstrated in flesh,
blood, a musky embrace,

a dying rasp. Eroded facts,
figures bask in the everlasting

sun. Creeping inside hollows;
a denial of instinct. Condemning

bells peal distantly. [S]uddenness
(is the 'sunburn'/'peeling' image intentional?)
and scale fail to satisfy.


Enjoyed the read.


Best, Knot.

[nozaki]

Beauty demonstrated--demonstrated feels bit off to me. Maybe refined, contained? & I don't know whether the structure of the poem (fragment/complete/fragment/complete) is intentional, but it works for this stanza. 
in flesh and blood
a musky embrace
a dying rasp.--I don't think you need "a" in front of this line. 
 
Eroded facts and figures
bask in the everlasting sun.--Interesting image the more I think about it, but facts and figures seems redundant. 
 
Creeping inside hollows;--unfortunately my least favorite line in this piece. Too vague. Hollows of what? what is creeping? at least give us a hint. 
a denial of instinct.
 
Condemning bells peal distantly.--I think peal has a distant connotation, I would cut distantly. 
The suddenness and scale fail to satisfy.--are you referring to honey crisps? the title makes this line relevant, but on its own, it's weak. 

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Radetof.Yahska, my comment below

Beauty demonstrated This is an idea I feel that could be expanded on. You could tell us in what way beauty is being demonstrated and omit this line.
in flesh and blood Comma. In flesh and blood seems a bit cliche to me
a musky embrace Comma
a dying rasp. I'd start this stanza with this line and the one above and find a way to reorder this sentence.
 
Eroded facts and figures I can't imagine eroded facts and figures, let alone facts and figures. I'd go for something a little more specific and evocative instead of the abstraction.
bask in the everlasting sun. Everlasting sun sounds cliche. How were these facts and figures eroded? Was it because of the sun (don't know if this is even possible)? If so, were these facts and figures really just "basking"? Should the sun be described as something else then?
 
Creeping inside hollows; I'd be more specific w/ hollows and replace the semi-colon with a colon.
a denial of instinct.
 
Condemning bells peal distantly.
The suddenness and scale fail to satisfy. This final stanza loses me.

Best, Alex

[Radetof.Yahska]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'll sit and have a go at the poem again.

It was mostly about eating honey-flavored cereal. Stupid, granted, but fun.

[billy]

silly me, i read the feedback first.

if it's about cereal why not call it honey cereal. for me that alone gives enough for the reader to to get into the poem.

i get the impression it's occurring at a school or convent at mealtime. i think the poem is added too by it's tightness, it doesn't waste words. and edit or too and i think it could shine.

Beauty demonstrated feels like weak opening
in flesh and blood a bit cliche
a musky embrace this line, short though it is grabs me and it's original
a dying rasp. whose dying rasp? are you anthropomorphising the cereals?
 
Eroded facts and figures
bask in the everlasting sun.
 
Creeping inside hollows;
a denial of instinct. this little couplet speak volumes.
 
Condemning bells peal distantly.
The suddenness and scale fail to satisfy. could this stanza be more clear? or given some context.

[churinga]

I agree with Alexorande. Broad abstractions like beauty, instinct, everlasting sun, flesh and blood don't convey anything that the reader can get involved with. You need images or atleast action. 'eating honey-flavoured cereal' gave more to go on than the whole poem.


addendum
I reread your poem, it has a certain beauty, I still stand by my critique but parts of this resonate
eg

Eroded facts and figures
bask in the everlasting ....

...bells peal ..
The suddenness and scale fail to satisfy.

[Seraphim]

While the title clued me in this was about a food item, I can find no way to relate the poem to the topic. I’m down with some obscurity in a work, used for a specific purpose, but when obscurity obfuscates the meaning, I feel you’re wasting the reader’s time.