Divorce

[applebear]

So here I sit once again.. 
This chair wont tie loose ends, and I have friends
but they don't lend their ear to feelings that I share
Do they care? Are they scared that I'm just feeding on their lives
and that I try to hold a lie that's always fleeting
Let them in. Let it go
Let it show what's within
Beneath the surface there is thumping
with a purpose to keep punching my time

[billy]

for me the line breaks feel off, a little enjambment would go a long way. first line feels kind of weak. the 2nd also feels weak and somewhat forced. lastly; while you can have broken meter and make it work, for me it doesn't work well enough/ the first line is sing songy the second line tries to be but fails, a suggestion would be to lose [and i have friends, or start with these words on a new line. finally finally, i can't tie the poem to the title.

So here I sit once again.. 
This chair wont tie loose ends, and I have friends
but they don't lend their ear to feelings that I share
Do they care? Are they scared that I'm just feeding on their lives
and that I try to hold a lie that's always fleeting
Let them in. Let it go
Let it show what's within
Beneath the surface there is thumping
with a purpose to keep punching my time

[cloud]

Too much use of 'I' and 'You' narrows the possibilities of interpretation with any given poem! Also, it's gross.

So here I sit once again.. 
This chair won't tie loose ends, but it brings more comfort than my and I have friends  I tried to string 'friends' and 'chair' together for fluidity sake 
but they don't lend their ear to feelings that I share (but the chair does lol!)
Do they care? Are they scared that I'm just I prey feeding on their lives less convoluted & more interesting in my opinion
and that I try to hold a lie that's always fleeting , you should go into depth bout how you're aware of lying and its ramifications 
Let them in. Let it go ew
Let it show what's within gross
Beneath the surface there is thumping 
with a purpose to keep punching my time this doesn't fit or correlate with anything 

I enjoy suffering very much in word form, but more so as a concept and less as explanation or something to be merely talked about - that's boring!

[applebear]

Thank you for the advice! I did some looking into enjambment and I think I've improved that. I also tried to tie it to the title and remove weak lines. I went further into the lie portion as well. I'm not sure if it's effective at getting across what I'm trying to, but hopefully it's better.

She's gone
Say's I'll never change
She's not wrong
Yet I find it strange
That this chair wont tie loose ends
but it comforts more than friends

they don't lend their ear to feelings
that I share, do they care? are they scared
that I'm just feeding
on their lives and that I try to hold a lie
thats always fleeting

They're gone too
They can see that they mean nothing
That I always search for something
to confirm that they don't love me
but is it true?

Here they are
let them in, let it go
show them what's within
You never told them how you feel
You just keep talking with yourself

She's gone and no one knows
That's why I sit here all alone

[PenPCB]

Thank you for the advice! I did some looking into enjambment and I think I've improved that. I also tried to tie it to the title and remove weak lines. I went further into the lie portion as well. I'm not sure if it's effective at getting across what I'm trying to, but hopefully it's better.

She's gone
Say's I'll never change
She's not wrong
Yet I find it strange
That this chair wont tie loose ends
but it comforts more than friends

they don't lend their ear to feelings
that I share, do they care? are they scared
that I'm just feeding
on their lives and that I try to hold a lie
thats always fleeting

They're gone too
They can see that they mean nothing
That I always search for something
to confirm that they don't love me
but is it true?

Here they are
let them in, let it go
show them what's within
You never told them how you feel
You just keep talking with yourself

She's gone and no one knows
That's why I sit here all alone

I am commenting on this version cuz I like it more.

"That this chair won't tie loose ends"
I don't get this line

I like the enjambment in the 2nd stanza a lot

"let them in, let it go"
I think it's better to remove this, it doesn't go with the flow for me and it won't remove anything from the meaning.

other than that I like the poem!

[Ally]

Hi applebear (nice name :-) ),

I'll comment on your second version, if that's okay with you.

I think I hear a bit of a rhythm in the first stanza, and you certainly have a rhyme scheme going if 'gone' and 'wrong' are understood as slant rhymes. It's almost like the first verse of a song. But the next stanzas vary, so I'm not sure whether the rhythm and rhyme were intended. I do like them, though.

The rest of the poem explores the narrator (N)'s relationship with friends. N seems to have expected them to offer comfort, and I get disappointment first from the chair's better ability to do this and then the friends' inability to listen followed by their leaving too (beginning of S3). However, they return in S4... only to leave again in S5. I find the exploration of the relationship very interesting, but it's a bit puzzling at times. And by the end N's completely alone, and saying no one knows about this. This is interesting too; it makes me wonder whether N has been rehearsing conversations rather than having them. Am I on the right lines here?

There are a few typos, but those are easily put right :-)

Best wishes,
Ally

[applebear]

Hi applebear (nice name :-) ),

I'll comment on your second version, if that's okay with you.

I think I hear a bit of a rhythm in the first stanza, and you certainly have a rhyme scheme going if 'gone' and 'wrong' are understood as slant rhymes. It's almost like the first verse of a song. But the next stanzas vary, so I'm not sure whether the rhythm and rhyme were intended. I do like them, though.

The rest of the poem explores the narrator (N)'s relationship with friends. N seems to have expected them to offer comfort, and I get disappointment first from the chair's better ability to do this and then the friends' inability to listen followed by their leaving too (beginning of S3). However, they return in S4... only to leave again in S5. I find the exploration of the relationship very interesting, but it's a bit puzzling at times. And by the end N's completely alone, and saying no one knows about this. This is interesting too; it makes me wonder whether N has been rehearsing conversations rather than having them. Am I on the right lines here?

There are a few typos, but those are easily put right :-)

Best wishes,
Ally

So I'm actually trying to write poem's that stand on their own and don't need musical backing, but I am in fact a song writer and this is for a song I'm writing. So the rhymes are intentional, and the other stanza's rhyme if 'sang' in the correct rhythm. 

As for whether you were on the right lines, you're exactly correct. That's what I was trying to get across with the lines:
You never told them how you feel
You just keep talking with yourself

I was unsure of how to change it so that it's clear that N is saying these thing's to themselves in their head.

[Ally]

Hi again,

I write songs too!

Thanks for confirming I got the right meaning from those two lines. I suppose you could fit them in earlier, or even have them form part of a chorus, but not if this doesn't work with your song's format. Anyway, just a thought :-)

[Fredefup]

I like the first version better. The rhymes are weaved neatly, and I don't get why people don't get the chairs and strings thing. It's quite obvious. As for jambification it's a form that can help you with rythm if you don't have the flow, but to be honest, all you need is to focus on a flow of stressed and unstressed syllables. It's about ear, not metrics.

Now, to be critical and all, the first half of the original is what works best. The latter part becomes speculative in a navel drilling way. In my humble opinion it is always better to evoke emotions/thoughts/doubts etc through imagery than expressing it directly, but that might be a matter of taste. But the way i see it, that is the most significant difference between poetry and prose