rooting and nudging

[nibbed]

rooting and nudging
better titled: me


scrounged out sins from decades ago
barely cause an old maid to flinch
she's spent, you see, shuffled in a deck,
through all the piling sand;
now she just rubs on scars,
some old brands of trickery;
her lips are practiced
in quietly spitting out
all ugly, bitter, venom ever sneaked in;
she's often mistaken for a beautiful butterfly,
when she's just a dry leaf in the wind
whose gusts of freedom were given
when crosses of sorcery's power were revealed;
they took away her choices
so dirt's been turned to stone
as snouts are made tender
over new rings.

[Mopkins]

rooting and nudging
better titled: me


scrounged out sins from decades ago (mmm neat scrounging)
barely cause an old maid to flinch (flinch? i'd fink blush?)
she's spent, you see, shuffled in a deck,
through all the piling sand; (hmm piling? maybe shifting/silvered/slithering/shimmering?)
now she just rubs on scars,
some old brands of trickery; (hmm brands? id fink patterns, chalk circles, pentagrams perhaps?)
her lips are practiced (practised? maybe accomplished? accustomed? adept? fluent?)
in quietly spitting out (spitting is quiet? maybe ejecting/ejeculating/interjecting/directing?)
all ugly, bitter, venom ever sneaked in; (dunno ugly? maybe acrid/ acidic/bileous/fermented?)
she's often mistaken for a beautiful butterfly, (boooring beautiful...)
when she's just a dry leaf in the wind (dry is gut but maybe withered/ faded/ veined/opaque/fallen?)
whose gusts of freedom were given
when crosses of sorcery's power were revealed; (hmmm crosses of socery's power? maybe when sorcery's enchantments were cast/took effect/hold))
they took away her choices
so dirt's been turned to stone (petrified perhaps? solidified? sedimentary?)
as snouts are made tender
over new rings. (hmmm rings? nooses? tethers? restraints? bonds? lassoos?)


neato bit of medusa turning snakes to statues, salty statues of recalcitrants lubbly cheers

[nibbed]

scrounged out sins from decades ago (mmm neat scrounging)                                                         - I was actually stuck here
barely cause an old maid to flinch (flinch? i'd fink blush?)                                                                     -what's fink, exactly?
she's spent, you see, shuffled in a deck,
through all the piling sand; (hmm piling? maybe shifting/silvered/slithering/shimmering?)                     -it's referring to time/an hourglass
now she just rubs on scars,
some old brands of trickery; (hmm brands? id fink patterns, chalk circles, pentagrams perhaps?)       -no, metaphoric scars made from brands
her lips are practiced (practised? maybe accomplished? accustomed? adept? fluent?)                        -have often enough
in quietly spitting out (spitting is quiet? maybe ejecting/ejeculating/interjecting/directing?)                  -something's just aren't necessary in poetry, but it's
all ugly, bitter, venom ever sneaked in; (dunno ugly? maybe acrid/ acidic/bileous/fermented?)            -ugly                                                    on you            
she's often mistaken for a beautiful butterfly, (boooring beautiful...)                                                    -ok, so skip the beautiful
when she's just a dry leaf in the wind (dry is gut but maybe withered/ faded/ veined/opaque/fallen?)   -dry is gut? please explain, aren't guts juicy?
whose gusts of freedom were given                
when crosses of sorcery's power were revealed; (hmmm crosses of socery's power? maybe when sorcery's enchantments were cast/took effect/hold))
they took away her choices                                                                                                                  -no, when they became revelation ^^^^^
so dirt's been turned to stone (petrified perhaps? solidified? sedimentary?)                                            -guilt is cancelled and made into something strong
as snouts are made tender                                                                                                                                                                    stable and sturdy
over new rings. (hmmm rings? nooses? tethers? restraints? bonds? lassoos?)                                       -no, rings usually decorate a snout, hence the title


neato bit of medusa turning snakes to statues, salty statues of recalcitrants lubbly cheers                     -interesting take


thank you for your bits
and taking the time to spew them
you remind me of a general
disguised as a corporal

tally-ho, old chum


nibbed

[Mopkins]

fink - think
piling sands - granulated hours? rationed minutes? weeping moments?
brands - nametags/barcodes/dogtags/tattoos/fracturing/embellishing?
gut - germanic good shit
become revelation? me no get it though i dig it deep
guilt -transformed/transcending/transmuting?

im a general corporation of spewable bits no problemo maestro

[nibbed]

Thanks for your mini-glossary!
about revelation...
I guess I keep thinking there might be just someone
or a lot of people out there
in this vast interwebs, especially poets
(because we tend to be hyper aware
and observers of detail)
or, I want to lean toward
assuming there's someone
who is where I am,
who's been through what I've experienced,
even things in my heart-
someone who understands where I've been
that hasn't gone completely mad,
any human.
But I guess only God understands.
And that's okay.


be blessed tonight


nibbed

[Mopkins]

construe urself a muse with a glob of god and stich her to your side/ god all thru you then and its all a smug mutual love-fest then

[SpaceDirt]

First off, I would just capitalize the first letter of each line. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but it was just distracting for me, and made it all seem too fast.

[Knot]

Hi nibbed,
enjoyed the read.


rooting and nudging
better titled: me
(If 'me' then why isn't this first person?)


scrounged out sins from decades ago
do you need 'from decades ago' ?
barely cause an old maid to flinch
she's spent, you see,
(If you go with 'you see' and it's
clear conversatinal tone, I think
you need to improve the flow a bit.
The voice is a little inconsistent)
shuffled in a deck,
through all the piling sand;
now she just rubs on scars,
some old brands of trickery;
perhaps;
now she just rubs some old brands
of trickery on [her] scars ?
her lips are practiced in quietly spitting
break on 'spitting'
out all [the] ugly, bitter, venom
[that] ever sneaked in;
she's often mistaken for a beautiful butterfly,
(don't think you need 'beautiful')
when she's just a dry leaf in the wind
As a final couplet these would work really well,
I think, and this would be a very strong line to end on.


whose gusts of freedom were given
when crosses of sorcery's power were revealed;
they took away her choices
lost here - would suggest cutting entirely
so dirt's been turned to stone
as snouts are made tender
over new rings.
You could begin with these three lines
(if you go with the butterfly/leaf ending)
though I can't quite follow them.
Dirt turns to stone (passage of time) - links to 'sins'
Snout/new ring (instant - no passage of time) - no idea


Not sure about either title, and at the risk of causing offence
how about 'Old Maid'.
There's definitely something good here, just needs polishing.


Best, Knot.