Legacy

[moot]

Draft 2

A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.

The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.

Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.

The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.



 

The lying grins
stumble to grieve.
Glazed wide eyes
staring in disbelief

of hidden few
secreted away
innocence hides
the hunted strays.

The only legacy
of the oppressed.
History will tell
of countless deaths.

A murderous game
Black Coats play
hide and seek
for millions of names.

The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Black ovens burn
cry's of respite
falling bone dust
chokes the night.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Afternoon Moot, glad to have had the chance to read this. On the whole I like the work, there are some strong visuals and at times I like the way in which this flows, at those points it has a musicality to it. That being said, I did struggle at times with the meter and the way this reads, especially if you like me read poetry aloud, at least when no one else is home. I also think that in parts there is a limpness to the poem that negates the message you are trying to convey, or is that something deliberate to evoke the plight of all the oppressed? More than anything else what needs work is the inconsistency of meter, it doesn’t have to be the whole way through as a jarring change towards the denouement would work wonderfully but at the beginning to draw the reader in.
 
 
 
Lying grins
stumble to grieve.
Wide glazed eyes
stare in disbelief.
Unsure the use of the word stumble works here, if nothing else it trips me up as the reader. Also I don’t think glazed eyes can stare? For me the idea of starring is too potent, a more impotent adjective would work much better here.


Hidden few
secreted away.
Innocence hides
the hunted strays.
I like the way this reads it has a flow off the tongue that I think is missing elsewhere and should run from S1 to probably around the end of S4

The legacy
of the oppressed.
History will tell
of countless deaths.
Straying towards the cliché here

A Murderous game
Black Coats play
hide and seek
for millions of names.
I like the concept of a worldwide game of hide and seek and it works will as a contrast to the allusions to the Holocaust presented throughout the work, however; he writing itself doesn’t flow well enough, syntax lets the image down

Steam engines
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Ovens burn
cry's of respite
falling bone dust
chokes the night.
There has to be a way of mentioning ovens, because I like the potency of the image, without falling into the clichés of dust and choking.
 
Overall I hope some of my comments help, if not ignore me and move on
 
Johnny

[moot]

Afternoon Moot, glad to have had the chance to read this. On the whole I like the work, there are some strong visuals and at times I like the way in which this flows, at those points it has a musicality to it. That being said, I did struggle at times with the meter and the way this reads, especially if you like me read poetry aloud, at least when no one else is home. I also think that in parts there is a limpness to the poem that negates the message you are trying to convey, or is that something deliberate to evoke the plight of all the oppressed? More than anything else what needs work is the inconsistency of meter, it doesn’t have to be the whole way through as a jarring change towards the denouement would work wonderfully but at the beginning to draw the reader in.
 
 
 
Lying grins
stumble to grieve.
Wide glazed eyes
stare in disbelief.
Unsure the use of the word stumble works here, if nothing else it trips me up as the reader. Also I don’t think glazed eyes can stare? For me the idea of starring is too potent, a more impotent adjective would work much better here.


Hidden few
secreted away.
Innocence hides
the hunted strays.
I like the way this reads it has a flow off the tongue that I think is missing elsewhere and should run from S1 to probably around the end of S4

The legacy
of the oppressed.
History will tell
of countless deaths.
Straying towards the cliché here

A Murderous game
Black Coats play
hide and seek
for millions of names.
I like the concept of a worldwide game of hide and seek and it works will as a contrast to the allusions to the Holocaust presented throughout the work, however; he writing itself doesn’t flow well enough, syntax lets the image down

Steam engines
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Ovens burn
cry's of respite
falling bone dust
chokes the night.
There has to be a way of mentioning ovens, because I like the potency of the image, without falling into the clichés of dust and choking.
 
Overall I hope some of my comments help, if not ignore me and move on
 
Johnny

Hi Johnny, thanks for the critique. I go into cliche without realizing it. Argh, lol. I am trying to figure out if this is funny or annoying 
Actually I do have a question. It may sound silly. You have been warned    Is there a specific way to read poetry?

[20_Hamilton_18]

I think that the fact that clichés come from universal truths, which is in itself a cliché, means that we all without constant focus on it fall prey to it. I know I do. Unfortunately we live in a time where there is very little new under the sun (that's another one) so it comes subconsciously.

I'm no expert, but I like to read poetry with no socks on and in the voice that my Dad used when he read the bible to us as kids. But you can read poetry anyway you like! In seriousness though, it helps to just sit down and read your work aloud making note of when you need to take a breath etc.

But again I'm no expert and often try to read a poem aloud without taking a breath

Johnny

[moot]

I think that the fact that clichés come from universal truths, which is in itself a cliché, means that we all without constant focus on it fall prey to it. I know I do. Unfortunately we live in a time where there is very little new under the sun (that's another one) so it comes subconsciously.

I'm no expert, but I like to read poetry with no socks on and in the voice that my Dad used when he read the bible to us as kids. But you can read poetry anyway you like! In seriousness though, it helps to just sit down and read your work aloud making note of when you need to take a breath etc.

But again I'm no expert and often try to read a poem aloud without taking a breath

Johnny

That advice does help, regardless if one is wearing socks, lol.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Moot, there is a hell of a lot to like with this draft it feels so much tighter throughout in terms of rhythm and meter. There are still occasions where this does feel forced but on the most part it works. In comparison with the first Draft this does have the potency which I asked for and it’s great to see how much this piece has evolved already. I’ve made a few further comments below and in terms of the subject matter of the piece have you ever listened to Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love? If not check it out, it’s a great track, by one of my favourite bands when I was growing up, which deals with a similar subject as this
 
Cheers
Johnny
 
Draft 2

A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.

Not 100% on the use of strays to describe the hunted, given the context of the piece that gives me the impression that the hunted are able to move freely, what about pray? If they are being hunted perhaps they are praying not to be found?


The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.

I see what you’re getting at here, I would suggest that the people of this piece where far from simple which makes this part of history especially shocking. Moreover; anti-Semitism was prevalent throughout all of Europe at this time and there suggestions that people such as T.S. Eliot for instance while not condoning Holocaust did share some of these beliefs. But that’s me moving beyond Poetry and that isn’t the remit of this forum. Check out historical movements such as the White Rose Movement for more on this

Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.

Like this stanza

The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.

Cries not cry’s here. Not too sure that the connection between the ovens and respite works here and beyond context it also creates a jarring for me in terms of the rhythm and flow of the piece which I think is pretty strong throughout the rest of the piece.

[moot]

Moot, there is a hell of a lot to like with this draft it feels so much tighter throughout in terms of rhythm and meter. There are still occasions where this does feel forced but on the most part it works. In comparison with the first Draft this does have the potency which I asked for and it’s great to see how much this piece has evolved already. I’ve made a few further comments below and in terms of the subject matter of the piece have you ever listened to Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love? If not check it out, it’s a great track, by one of my favorite bands when I was growing up, which deals with a similar subject as this
 
Cheers
Johnny
 
Draft 2

A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.

Not 100% on the use of strays to describe the hunted, given the context of the piece that gives me the impression that the hunted are able to move freely, what about pray? If they are being hunted perhaps they are praying not to be found?


The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.

I see what you’re getting at here, I would suggest that the people of this piece where far from simple which makes this part of history especially shocking. Moreover; anti-Semitism was prevalent throughout all of Europe at this time and there suggestions that people such as T.S. Eliot for instance while not condoning Holocaust did share some of these beliefs. But that’s me moving beyond Poetry and that isn’t the remit of this forum. Check out historical movements such as the White Rose Movement for more on this

Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.

Like this stanza

The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.

Cries not cry’s here. Not too sure that the connection between the ovens and respite works here and beyond context it also creates a jarring for me in terms of the rhythm and flow of the piece which I think is pretty strong throughout the rest of the piece.

Thanks for the critique. I struggle with meter. I think I have a understanding of how it can be better used.  I am yet to listen to those tracks, I will do so. I saw Schindler's List and The Zookeepers Wife. Such regimes are inconceivable. The choice to use 'simple'  for S8 is  a play on words and a criticism on flawed ideologies. 
 

The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.


I am a little unclear on how to avoid forced rhyme in poetry. My understanding of forced rhyme is the use of rhyming words that have little variation. Line, time, fine. While I try to avoid this I somehow manage to write lines that read as though they are forced. After reading this draft, I do think that S15 and S16 may appear forced. Cry's ...auto correct, lol. I have to stop using my iphone XD



The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.


Do you have any tips on how to avoid forced thyme in prose?  Thanks again. On to the next revision...

[kaos]

Hi moot. I like the poem, but as i saw you were asking questions about rhyme, flow and meter, here's how i would have edited the black over lines...

Black ovens burn cool enough
cry's of respite. seems off. with cry's of respite would work better. also who is screaming?
Flames of legacy flames of legacy seems put here because it sounds cool.
ignite. ok. Cry's of respite is 4 syllables, (cry's) (of) (res) (pite). Thus your last line should be 4 as well, at least if you're trying to have some rhythm.

So my edited para is..

Black ovens burn,
and the cry's of respite
overshadow the flames,
who are legacy ignite...