(04-13-2018, 08:42 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote: THE DORIAN CALENDAR, FOR MARS
the primrose priming parades parading hematite growth
grown by the light of hermetically sealed tomes
under and within the canopy of fresh-aired domes
this unshamed shame uncrossed and liberated
the new per annum tax code
the martian year: some six hundred and sixty fucking days not to rewrite, but how would this sound without "some" and "and" - the martian year: six hundred sixty fucking days
by tour of Sol
In mild to moderate critique, my first comment is that this work appears, at first glance, to have been assembled from words or phrases selected for their simple relation to preceding words or phrases but otherwise at random. There are, however, clues that the rules were either quite complex or sometimes overridden by a human editor.
How could the selection (or rules) be improved? Simple progressive rules such as alliteration ("primrose priming parades parading") can have unfortunate results, as in this case. Frequent use of "the," while it adds additional plausibility to words which equivocate between parts of speech (is "priming" verbal or noun?) and thus enriches the variety of possible meanings/interpretations, becomes repetitious and could seem pretentious (is this really
the only one?)
Absence of most punctuation also helps the reader build equivocal meanings, making typography notable when used (the colon and the white space).
On the whole, I feel I'm reading a partial transcript of a news report from Mars: details without context, inviting me to fill in my own (for example, "uncrossed" might indicate non-Christian, interestingly juxtaposed with "liberated"). For another example, which theory is correct concerning the two titles - of the post, and of the poem? It might be interesting, as in the one specific suggestion above, to go through and remove unnecessary words for flow. Think of it as replacing nuts and bolts with welds?
