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Rv. 1
Moon-hiding
Little waves nudged our thighs:
'Don't go yet,' as we stepped nearer shore,
water draining off our bodies,
down your smooth legs, orange
from the fiery melting-wax sunset,
and we slipped over the dunes
on trails through sea-oats,
our feet patting the soft sand;
we were purple-blue behind,
facing the light.
We found a sun-burnt beach shack
nobody was renting,
pulled open a little wood door
on a rusty spring. We hid inside
from the full and silver sand dollar
moon rising, honored by its own reflection.
We watched it through the gap
in the walls of the outdoor shower
perfectly too small for both of us;
it drew a glowing line vertically
through the steam,
from your ankle to your cheek -
it knew we were there
but said nothing,
so that we might hide, so warm
in enveloping fog
and
first embrace.
Hi! The title catches the reader's imagination, and opens interestingly with personification, good job. I like the image of water running down bodies, however, the word 'drain' trips me up, I'd play with that. I didn't get melting-wax at first, aknd imagined waxing legs and tanning booths haha, but then read sunset and was pleasantly surprised. Cross over is a vague verb kinda to me and I'm left with wanting to be able to see them better on the dunes. I adore the sea oats he he. The rest of the poem is very easy to see and it's wonderful, particularly the shower with the moonlight drawing lines. I like the sounds of ankle and cheek. Then you end with personification again, circling back in that way, nice. What a cool experience, much enjoyed.
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Hi Suzruth, I appreciate your feedback! Good points you made, I will keep in mind for a revision.
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(04-09-2018, 11:29 AM)danny_ Wrote: Moon-hiding captivating title
Little waves nudged our thighs - because your laying down or almost waist deep
'Don't go yet,' as we stepped nearer shore, I want to know whos quote this is
water draining off our bodies, running draining and running on the same line about the same thing, I'd pick one
down your smooth legs
orange from the fiery melting-wax the legs are orange, the water orange, everything orange from the sunset
sunset, and we crossed over dunes the first 'and'
on trails through sea-oats; I don't know what sea-oats are, seeds? Plants?
we were purple-blue on a side, the side which faces light? Or a general side
facing the light. And we found 'and' all the ands give a running feel that seems to only half care
an empty sun-burnt beach house
with a little door on a rusty spring. This is confusing, doors with springs or is this the feeling of the sunset, it's rusty and nearing springtime, I don't know
We hid inside
from the full and silver sand dollar and
moon rising, honored by its own reflection; I like the image though
we watched it through the gap
in the walls of the outdoor shower
perfectly too small for both of us, sounds like a fun Romantic evening
and it drew a glowing line vertically
through the steam, nice
from your ankle to your cheek - head to my soul I'm blown away
it knew we were there
but said nothing
so that we might hide, so warm hiding is like secret, it wouldn't the moon 'knowing' adds the forbidden touch,
in enveloping fog
and and
first embrace. This embrace sounds like a noun but also a verb and I think all the ands lose me in clarity despite the available ramble room for interpretation.
Hope this is useful
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Appreciate your feedback and time, CRNDLSM!
I grew up on the beach so I take at least two things for granted here. Sea-oats (just google it) are beautiful and grow like crazy. The door on the spring is later (somewhat) explained by "outdoor shower", but I know this is far less familiar to most people. They are little additions to the side of beach houses, four walls that don't reach the planks of the deck (you can see if someone is inside by their feet) with a door on a spring to keep it closed, with a shower and wood bench inside. It's so you can rinse off and wash up after a day at the beach.
Your feedback will help me clarify some of the scene.
I'm a sucker for ands, although I think I could cut two or three without harm. I'm not sure why but they give it a certain human, voice-like appeal to me. Maybe it's how I would say it if I were speaking, but it's definitely something I will keep in mind and watch out for, as it may very well be a bad habit.
"head to my soul I'm blown away" - I wasn't quite sure what you meant, if it was positive or sarcastic.
Thanks again, I'm also glad to hear you enjoyed some what I hoped were good lines.
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(04-13-2018, 03:55 AM)danny_ Wrote: "head to my soul I'm blown away" - I wasn't quite sure what you meant, if it was positive or sarcastic.
Reminded me of early dave Matthews lyrics - I'm not very good at critique, but I try to share my thoughts
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Rv. 1 - Clarified a few parts, killed a couple ands.  Thanks for all your replies, this may end up joining a series of poems that follow a narrative.
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Hi danny.
I'd suggest breaking this down
into three-line verses.
Little waves nudged our thighs:
'Don't go yet,' as we stepped nearer shore,
I assume the quote is attributed to the waves,
but this isn't really clear.
Perhaps;
As we stepped nearer the shore,
little waves nudged our thighs -
"Don't go yet."
water draining off our bodies,
down your smooth legs, orange
from the fiery melting-wax sunset,
'draining' and 'smooth' are rather weak,
you might consider making more use
of the 'melting-wax sunset'
and we slipped over the dunes
on trails through sea-oats,
our feet patting the soft sand;
'slipped' and 'patting' don't
work that well together
we were purple-blue behind,
facing the light.
cut this or add to it.
(Why purple when orange before?)
We found a sun-burnt beach shack
nobody was renting,
pulled open a little wood door
on a rusty spring. We hid inside
from the full and silver sand dollar
moon rising, honored by its own reflection.
not much happening here.
why 'hid'?
Moon as sea urchin is interesting, but not developed.
We watched it through the gap
in the walls of the outdoor shower
perfectly too small for both of us;
it's taken quite a long time
to get to the meat of this piece.
'perfectly too small' is a nice line.
it drew a glowing line vertically
through the steam,
from your ankle to your cheek -
'drew' is weak, where's the sensuality?
If you're still going with sand dollar,
then wouldn't 'dragged' work
(like it's tracks in sand)?
Does the shack have hot water?
it knew we were there
but said nothing,
so that we might hide, so warm
why anthropomorphise the moon?
It adds nothing.
in enveloping fog
and
first embrace.
Watching the scene from the shower is a good idea,
but it's rather lost in this piece. Try starting with it
and relating everything back to it, the strictly linear
narrative is more hindrance than help, I think.
Best, Knot.
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Some good points Knot, thank you. Although I think you're preference in style is quite different, your critical feedback offers some good opportunity for improvement than I would normally have.
Do not agree that anthropomorphizing the moon (good grief what a word, I like personification better) adds nothing. It is subjective to the characters that the moon is watching. However I will consider providing a little more reason as to why they feel this way.
You might have to get used to my linear style. I don't always write this way but sometimes I like a story-telling approach, as long as it's clear and flowing, and I like to save the best for last.
I agree about the opportunity for a sensual word there in the shower, which may add something special.
I think patting works fine with slipped, because patting can imply gentle footsteps on the ground. This is what happens when you slip down soft sand trails.
I agree the purple-blue aspect still isn't clear. I've already fixed it (post later). When facing the light, the back side of your body is a dark hue contrast to the front side.
Yes the shower has hot water, it's on whether anyone currently rents or not. True story.
Appreciate your time.
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