This Year I Take Your Place (Revision 1c)

[danny_]

Revision 1c (Thank you Knot, Todd, Richard)
[Killed the first line altogether from 1b, the title is enough. Still open to feedback on clarity of overall image, but I'm quite happy with it.]

This Year I Take Your Place

You were standing at the edge
of this same shadow.

All the neon stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.

A hundred screams thrilled the night -
all those young loves
tipping over the side of the world,
hands held tightly,

but you had stepped away,
fence-leaning,
staring through woods outside the grounds.

Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings?
And then where you had been,
only empty light.

- Let me know what you understand the poem to be about, or let me know if you don't understand: 
- I have the feeling it may lack some quality, that it is dry. Blast away - I'm fine with all crit, just promise not to rush your reply.
- What could make this more emotionally impacting if indeed it's weak? Tell me what's missing.
Thank you for reading.

This year I take your place


Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
Last year at this time you were standing
at the edge of this same shadow in the moonlight.
All the neon stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round stained your white shirt.

Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.

A hundred screams penetrated
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
their hands held tightly.

But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?

I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.

Hurried, darting glances,
with that feeling that something
had been stolen from me.
All the effort only revealed
stranger after stranger.

I take your place this year.
Not knowing if you were or
were not the one the news reporter
stapled into the public's mind
with not half the sorrow in his face as mine-
who jumped from a bridge just outside
these gates of cheer.

Now I hold this fence you held.

And I see those trees you saw.

And I am sure that we could have been
much closer.

[Knot]

Hey Danny.

I think it is a 'bit weak', mainly due to being
overwritten. Greater attention to line length
and editing would improve it. There's also a
tendency towards melodrama which doesn't
appeal to me.

Anyway, here goes...


Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
I'd suggest cutting this line, it's rather bland
and it's a variation of L5
Last year[,] at this time[,]
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow[.]
this is an arresting image
In the moonlight [a]ll the neon
stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.
This mostly works, but
wouldn't the neon out shine
the moon?

Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.
cut this, it's just melodrama.

A hundred screams penetrated
'penetrated' is odd, and doesn't lead
anywhere.
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
this is the second 'edge' (you
could easily change the first one)
their hands held tightly.
Maybe reorder as;
All those young loves
falling off the edge
of the world
hands held tightly
[screaming up at the stars]

But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?
cut these.

I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
You don't need this, it is implicit
in the whole piece.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.
Would suggest reworking as'
Was there a moment
of distraction, the clank
and hiss of failing swings -
and [then] only the [empty] light remained[?]


I think you could end it here.
There rest isn't particularly interesting
and seems a little self-indulgent.

Hope this is of some use.

Best, Knot.

[danny_]

wouldn't the neon out shine
the moon?

That's something I also considered, but actually saw in real life. Somehow the lights cooperated. But in reading, I agree, it's a little hard to imagine.

Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.
cut this, it's just melodrama.

Good point. I still want some image of what I saw, so that one can also disappear later.

Thanks for your reply! You've brought to light some good points. Especially self-indulgence. I do want some sentiment but this drags it out too long. That's something I'll keep in mind for other works too. Your other points are all valid and probably will be used in some fashion.

I'm still open to other reader perspectives if anyone has something to add or views things differently.

[Todd]

Hi Danny, 

I haven't read the comments and I was still considering the earlier version when I noticed you did a revision--let me confine my comments than to the most current version.

Revision 1. (It sure lost some weight.) I might still want some reflection on the part of the observer. I certainly want to convey the caring observation and missed opportunity.

This year I take your place

Last year at this time
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow.--While this opening seems improved to the original, I still think you need to consider rearranging your lines so that your most evocative opening is the lead. In this case, I think it makes most sense going (line 2, line 3, line 1)

All the neon
stripes and dots of--I like the effect this image has on the final line of the strophe. My issues though are with how you've broken some of the lines. I see no advantage with breaking on neon. I think your best breaks are L1: break after dots (so join the lines)/then move the of down to lead "the merry-go-round. 
the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt.--The image of the garish carnival lights staining the white shirt is good. Stain in this context seems to imply a breakdown of purity or maybe resolve. Something has went wrong--or will go wrong for the you of the poem. It may give a hint to the declaration in the title.

A hundred screams broke the night ---This is a serviceable line though you may be able to push it a bit. Stained above could also allude to blood or injury. I'm not sure that's what it's doing but if you want to carry forth that subtle implication you could change broke to something like fractured.
all those young loves--I think lovers might work better than loves but it's debatable.
tipping over the side of the world,--Here's where I had a slight disconnect. I don't see a merry-go-round as tipping OVER the side of the world. That seems more ferris wheel to me.
hands held tightly,--same with this.

but you were solitary,
watching woods outside the grounds.--Two things I think you need a through after watching. Secondly, this implies to me that the speaker is now also in these woods solitary and separated.

Was there a moment--I can live with this but I still want to bring of distraction up a line and make the next one "clank and hiss of falling swings" (again swings seems more Ferris wheel to me less merry go round)--nice sounds and line by the way.
of distraction, clank
and hiss of failing swings?
And then only empty--The lines would probably be stronger without the line break pauses: "And then only empty light/where you had been
light where you
had been.

Some nice work here. I hope as always that the comments help.

Best, 

Todd

[danny_]

Thanks Todd! What I apparently didn't portray very well is that this carnival has multiple rides effecting the image. So those young loves tipping over the side of the world is actually a roller coaster. That's there as atmosphere - it's what is heard in that moment. The merry-go round nearby stained the shirt. And the swings nearby were the distraction when they shut down. I wish that was more apparent; if you have any ideas on how to clarify that, let me know.

I appreciate the notes on the line breaks, will definitely use some of those suggestions.

Edit: Oh, I see the point about "watching woods outside the grounds". The woods are outside, but no one else. I'll consider clearing that up.

[Richard]

Hey Danny,
I think you're gong in the right direction with the edits. I do have some thoughts though:

Revision 1b (Thank you Knot and Todd) I'm still unsure of clarity of various rides effecting the image, but this is much better.

This Year I Take Your Place

Last year at this time -This beginning is improved over the first draft. However, I think it could be stronger. Look at what I said in the next comment.
you were standing at the edge
of this same shadow. -I like this image of standing at the edge of a shadow. I think it captures the reader's attention better than the first line, so I would suggest rewriting the first stanza so the first line is the third line. It would read: "You were standing at the edge/of this same shadow/ last year at this time.

All the neon stripes and dots -I would suggesting dropping the word "All." I think the reader will get what you're saying without it.
of the merry-go-round
stained your white shirt. -I quite like the image in this stanza. To me it conveys a sense of a loss of innocence, but that could be me just being dark.

A hundred screams broke the night - -This line seems incredibly menacing. I saw in some of your comments that you're talking about a roller-coaster here, so I don't think you want to start with this line if the stanza is about a roller-coaster. My suggestion would be to make this the last line of this stanza.   
all those young loves
tipping over the side of the world, -I feel like you need a different word than "tipping", so it's a bit more obvious to the reader that you're talking about a roller-coaster. I can't think of a good one right now. Personally, I think you could expand on the roller-coaster as being a metaphor for young love. Just a thought.
hands held tightly,

but you were solitary, -I feel like you don't need to say "solitary". It seems like an important element of this poem, but it should be shown, not outright said. May be combine this and the next line to read: "but you were usually fence-leaning".
fence-leaning,
staring through woods outside the grounds. -I like this line because it sums up the person's loneliness without directly saying it.

Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings? -I don't think you need to have a question here. It seems out of place to me because I'm unsure if the question is for the person in the poem or for the reader.
And then only empty light
where you had been. -I like the return to light here at end after starting with the image of a shadow, even if it's "empty light". I would suggest rewriting this last stanza to read: "Then a moment of distraction:/ clank and hiss of failing swings./ Empty light where you had been." Just a thought.

- Let me know what you understand the poem to be about, or let me know if you don't understand: 
- I have the feeling it may lack some quality, that it is dry. Blast away - I'm fine with all crit, just promise not to rush your reply.
- What could make this more emotionally impacting if indeed it's weak? Tell me what's missing.
Thank you for reading.

This year I take your place


Spinning lights, every color a-play upon their faces.
Last year at this time you were standing
at the edge of this same shadow in the moonlight.
All the neon stripes and dots
of the merry-go-round stained your white shirt.

Into whispering, chilled woods you stared.

A hundred screams penetrated
the night sky--all those young loves
falling off the edge of the world,
their hands held tightly.

But you were here, alone.
Could I have comforted you?

I hunger to know what it was
that made you disappear.
A moment of distraction-
the clank and hiss of the failing swings-
and only naked light remained
on the cobble where you had been.

Hurried, darting glances,
with that feeling that something
had been stolen from me.
All the effort only revealed
stranger after stranger.

I take your place this year.
Not knowing if you were or
were not the one the news reporter
stapled into the public's mind
with not half the sorrow in his face as mine-
who jumped from a bridge just outside
these gates of cheer.

Now I hold this fence you held.

And I see those trees you saw.

And I am sure that we could have been
much closer.

I feel like I'm being very harsh here, but I do like this piece. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Todd]

Hey Danny, I like some of the changes you made. I want to speak specifically to your concluding lines. Just like my comments on the intro, what is the most evocative ending. Here's my suggestion (it may require some tweaking on your part which I'll leave to you if you choose to go this way). It's a slight change but everything is a slight change in editing.

Was there a moment of distraction,
clank and hiss of failing swings?
Where you had been
and then only empty light

[danny_]

Thanks for your time and attention, Richard!

Being the second person to recommend line switches in the first stanza, I'll have to consider again. Actually I would agree that the first line isn't that great, especially next to the title. But for me it is all one thought, even with line-breaks, and I wanted it to finish and pause on a special point - the same shadow. If it finished on "last year at this time" it's like the less important point is made important - don't they say save the best for last? So my disposition tends to be that of ending on the important notes rather than starting on them. Still, I might have to think that over.

When words like "All" come in, as you mentioned, it's because I hear the poem out loud, as if spoken by someone. I tend to like those padding words sometimes, the human way of expression rather than just binding vocabulary, but all the same, I will think it over too.

"a loss of innocence", very interesting, good observation. I never knew when I was writing why I chose those words, but you're right. That's what I like most about free-writing as first draft. It allows the subconscious mind to influence the flow of writing, and then people pick up on it even before I do!

I think I'm crit'ing your crit now,  so I'll just thank you because I can definitely make use of your feedback. 

Oh, the question mark you mentioned was a reflective sort of thing coming from the observer. I will take a second look but as a rule I will not appear (as the writer) to get in the way of my work, so I hope the reader will not assume that I did either. It's just a passing thought of this observer.

I feel like I'm being very harsh here, but I do like this piece. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

It wasn't harsh - I appreciate your concern. Actually you owed me one, after that beer yesterday and my comments on Red River of the North.

---

Todd, good observation to end in that manner. At first I wasn't inclined, but I wrote it down anyway, and the image popped in a fresh way. Decided to put it in the revision above. Still not done, I'm sure, but you're right - there comes a point when everything is a slight change. (And no less impacting.)