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High Choice
Two men ride bareback high above
a level polder, working manfully
to fix a windmill-generator.
Blades run wild, stripped gears
ignite old lubricants---black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair.
They hug, as men will in extremis.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Grace.
 Non-practicing atheist
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Hi dukealien,
This is quirky little poem I quite like. Here are some thoughts.
(03-11-2018, 10:02 PM)dukealien Wrote: High Choice
Two men ride bareback, unprotected
high above a level polder unprotected how?
working manfully to fix nice word that. Brings out the whole stereotypical masculinity thing.
a windmill-turbine generator.
Geartrains rupture, safeties crack---
blades whip, grease and insulation
blow black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair. This listing of technical details seems to be wanting a prelude - just my opinion though.
They hug, as men will in extremis. dramatic contrast with the images of the first stanza.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Grace. As in mercy? Interesting. This line also syncs up with title pretty decently, so it's a good finish.
My quibbles with this one are mostly related it being somewhat of a summary of the incident being narrated. Somehow, I feel that the impersonality of the description hurts the ability of the poem to create drama through the comments/observations being made. Otherwise it works well.
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(03-11-2018, 10:02 PM)dukealien Wrote: High Choice
Two men ride bareback, unprotected
high above a level polder
working manfully to fix
a windmill-turbine generator.
Geartrains rupture, safeties crack---
blades whip, grease and insulation
blow black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair.
They hug, as men will in extremis.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Grace.
Nice piece, I like all the contrast provided. I do think it could use a bit of expansion...but maybe that's just me wanting more since I enjoy the writing. It is a depiction of an event, yet the current conciseness also does create an ambiguity that makes me ponder on the piece more than I may if it was expanded and described more thoroughly. So, not sure...either way, I enjoyed it.
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(03-11-2018, 10:02 PM)dukealien Wrote: High Choice
Two men ride bareback, unprotected- unprotected, meaning no harness?
high above a level polder -
working manfully to fix- rather confident men, experienced? or carless?
a windmill-turbine generator.
Geartrains rupture, safeties crack--- what safeties?
blades whip, grease and insulation
blow black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair. -flaming halo reference divine intervention?
They hug, as men will in extremis. -not so manly anymore
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling. -my favorite lines of the poem, no right choice, fear wins
Grace. -RIP
I think that I understand the message, I am rather new to writing poems... but it seems as if your message is, under pressure... people show you their true nature. Two men climb a tower with confidence and unprotected, then confronted with their fears, their true nature shines and their specific fears result in different deaths. I can come up with various images from this story, I don't know if that's what you intended... but it also can represent love between two men, when confronted with challenges... became overcome with relationship problems and went their separate ways guided by each of their fears. Either way, I like this poem... expansion of the poem can never hurt...but if you choose not to... its fine the way it is for me. good job
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edit 1;
High Choice
Two men ride bareback, unprotected
high above a level polder
working manfully to fix
a windmill-turbine generator.
Blades run wild, stripped gears ignite
old lubricants---black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair.
They hug, as men will in extremis.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Grace.
Thanks to all the critics, well said. Since most of the change suggestions had to do with S2, this is substantially edited. Hope it's now showing more than telling, and (per @ritwiksadhu33 and @yimbos) less technical/listing.
@yimbos - expanding is a temptation, but more telegraphic seems to work. You may, however, be right.
@Lorvick (and also @ritwiksadhu33) - "unprotected" seems to be a problem. It's retained, rather than an explanation of why lifelines were not used or wouldn't work, because
and I wanted that.
Highly gratified that image and issue were understood - if differently - by all. Thanks also for that!
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Hey Duke,
I like where this poem takes the reader. I do have some thoughts though:
(03-11-2018, 10:02 PM)dukealien Wrote: High Choice
Two men ride bareback, unprotected -I'm not sure if you need bareback and unprotected. I would just pick one.
high above a level polder
working manfully to fix -The word "manfully" seems important to me. Is there a way you could start or end the line with it? I suggest that so to give it some extra emphasis.
a windmill-turbine generator.
Blades run wild, stripped gears ignite
old lubricants---black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair. -I like the use of "halo" here. It sets up the "Grace" at the end and is also somewhat ironic.
They hug, as men will in extremis. -Now this is my biggest suggestion for the entire poem. Why not rearrange this a bit, and start with this line? This line would catch the reader's attention much more than the current opening, and all you would have to do is change to past tense in the previous two stanzas. Just a thought.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling. -This is a great payoff. It's so dark, yet so human. I just love these two lines.
Grace. -I get this line, and I like it, but I like the last two lines better. Personally, I would end the poem with the previous two lines. They're just a stronger ending.
Overall, I like what I'm seeing here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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edit2;
High Choice
Two men ride bareback high above
a level polder, working manfully
to fix a windmill-generator.
Blades run wild, stripped gears
ignite old lubricants---black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair.
They hug, as men will in extremis.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Grace.
Thanks to all critics, particularly @Richard. Baby steps: intrigued by the idea of placing s3 first, perhaps changing current s1-2 to past tense. Have always had doubts about "Grace," but continue to mull removing it.
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Hi duke,
couple of thoughts on a strong piece.
Two men ride bareback high above
I think it was better with the more
suggestively homoerotic 'unprotected'
included in the line
a level polder, working manfully
Could 'level' be swapped for something
(perhaps a geographic location) as
it is rather implied by 'polder'
to fix a windmill-generator.
Just a suggestion;
Two men ride bareback, unprotected,
high above a level polder, manfully
working to fix a windmill-generator.
Blades run wild, stripped gears
ignite old lubricants---black smoke,
a flaming halo traps the pair.
I don't think this flows as well as S1 and
the burning/falling couplet and 'black smoke'
could do with a modifier (greasy, or some-such).
Might 'traps' be improved?
(artful use of 'flaming' though)
Stripped gears, blades run wild,
old lubricants ignite and trap the pair
[...] black smoke, a flaming halo..
They hug, as men will in extremis.
(maybe move 'Grace' to here?)
It really doesn't wok that well at the end
and rather diminishes the power of the
final couplet I think.
Then one leaps for fear of burning
and one burns for fear of falling.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
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