Agent of Vanity

[Lorvick]

This is my second poem ever, I really want to improve! Please leave a critique, if you have  any suggestions.

Alluring eyes met the gaze of mine

consumed by this beacon of aspiration

I paused to absorb a remnant of its shine

reaching out in desperation

to escape my organic confine

pushing further towards liberation  

possessed by the agent of vanity

oblivious to the destination of my affection

walking hand in hand, from sanity

toward the eyes of my reflection

guided by the agent in the mirror

who offers a mask made of glass

his toll of deceit seen clearer

paid every time that I pass

[20_Hamilton_18]

Just a few thoughts for you to work with. More observations than anything else.

On your first post I saw the reasoning behind the central indentation of the piece it served a purpose. In this instance it seems arbitrary and fails to add anything. It’s your work, but for me unless it’s there to add something, what’s the point?

Lack of punctuation throughout doesn’t help with the clarity of the piece. I like the lineation but the enjambment is over used throughout. On this and partially caused by it, but I find some of the word choices and their arrangement to be negatively impacting upon the ebb and flow of the piece.

Finally, I think there needs to be more clarity in terms of what the piece is about. I’m not saying spoon feed the reader, but there has to be some clues for the reader, otherwise what purpose does this piece serve? What is the N. trying to convey to the reader?

Hope there is something in there for you to work with

Johnny

[Richard]

Hey Lorvick,
My biggest suggestion with this poem would be to rewrite it so you're more specific in your images. I'll go into more detail below:

This is my second poem ever, I really want to improve! Please leave a critique, if you have  any suggestions.

Alluring eyes met the gaze of mine -Why are the eyes so alluring? This image needs to be expanded on.

consumed by this beacon of aspiration -Why do the eyes cause the speaker to feel aspiration? What colour are the eyes? There's so much more you could say here.

I paused to absorb a remnant of its shine

reaching out in desperation

to escape my organic confine

pushing further towards liberation  

possessed by the agent of vanity

oblivious to the destination of my affection -The phrase "destination of affection" is too wordy. Why not just "oblivious to my affection"?

walking hand in hand, from sanity -I don't understand the reference to sanity here. Again, this needs to be explored more.

toward the eyes of my reflection

guided by the agent in the mirror

who offers a mask made of glass -I think you should start the poem with this image of the glass mask. It's the strongest one in the poem. I also think it could catch the reader's attention better than talking about the "alluring eyes".

his toll of deceit seen clearer

paid every time that I pass

Overall, I think you have a strong image to work with (the glass mask), and I look forward to seeing where you go next with this piece.

Cheers,
Richard

[Lorvick]

Just a few thoughts for you to work with. More observations than anything else.

On your first post I saw the reasoning behind the central indentation of the piece it served a purpose. In this instance it seems arbitrary and fails to add anything. It’s your work, but for me unless it’s there to add something, what’s the point?

Lack of punctuation throughout doesn’t help with the clarity of the piece. I like the lineation but the enjambment is over used throughout. On this and partially caused by it, but I find some of the word choices and their arrangement to be negatively impacting upon the ebb and flow of the piece.

Finally, I think there needs to be more clarity in terms of what the piece is about. I’m not saying spoon feed the reader, but there has to be some clues for the reader, otherwise what purpose does this piece serve? What is the N. trying to convey to the reader?

Hope there is something in there for you to work with

Johnny

okay thankyou! I realized there is some confusion, I am working on making it more clear. It's mainly about a narcissistic personality finding perfection in there reflection. People who are obsessed with selfies, or have to pause and stare at themselves in the mirror. I wrote it based on my best friend lol. Thankyou for this much needed advice! you are helping me a lot.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Not a problem I'll be looking forward to seeing where this evolves from here.

Johnny