Posts: 56
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2016
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
All in all, I like this work, I’ve left a few thoughts below for you
Regards
Johnny
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I like this image, but I don’t think the short lines work in relation to the longer lines utilised throughout the rest of the piece.
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then; I think we’re missing a conjunctive here
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I like the speed of this, it has a great beat to it, I think I’d like to hear this read aloud by yourself. In terms of content I think the frequency of details provided to the reader and the way in which they are delivered, works well to create an image of the N.’s friend in his prime. Which really helps when you move on to the next stanza
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on; not sure expand is needed
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
On first read, I wasn’t sure that this stanza worked in correlation with the one that comes before, but actually on re-reading and then sitting down to critique, I find that the jarring way in which this stanza sits against the previous one really works tonally.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
While I think it is intentional on your part some of the punctuation and the way in which it has been utilised has the effect of throwing me out of the image.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
Whereas I don’t think the image of skins works in the way it has been utilised at the beginning of the piece, I think the way in which it has been utilised here really works. Perhaps there is a way to re-position the first example of it in the main body of Part 1
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
[His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.] [this is incomplete, though impressionable]
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence. -beautiful sentiment
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work -its blue & green
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. [He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude [again, I am given the emotion through rush or run-on
they possessed, and shared with him.] but am left without tidy perfection of order or clarity]
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways, -I want to see the word warm somewhere.
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes -yeah (unless a clue of German, Dutch, etc., descent
slight differences. is deliberate.)
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
Okay, I am not sure the writer's or even speaker's intent, but I see the leather jacket is being worn, not the tartan. Though I understand the dynamics of science concerning certain things, I am wondering if the choice to wear one article over another also had to do with relationship or sentiment, as seemed to be hinted in this contrast: I. Offered memory with emotion and sentiment. II. Offered just visual memory lacking expression of loss, passion, or sentiment. Thank you for the read and opportunity to critique.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hey, RC,
a tale of two halves...
I have old skins
(Great start, nice conversational tone
and would have liked to see that continued.)
given to me
that matter now.
I think it should go straight in to I,
(these lines beg the question, why now
and not then?)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
Would suggest;
A 50s leather jacket, black,
like teen hoods wore back then.
[but] this one is from a gentler soul,
(Change semi colon to comma and period
after 'soul' - the line breaks are rather
intrusive)
running buddy Kev, prince,
Kev, running buddy, prince...
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
(like the ambiguity of 'endless war')
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
few too many hyphens for me,
and the 'hail-fellow' cliché is a
bit too clunky.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
How'd you know the following
day would be cloudy?
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
Fatally before the Big C is a
rather unsubtle, I think.
The big C hit him from behind,
why from behind? Is it a prostate
reference?
we all of us fell with him,
we/all/us ? Second 'him'
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
second 'us/with', - what does 'get up along'
have to do with parties and was protests?
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
perhaps it should be 'skin' not 'jacket'?
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
II.
Think this should start 'My father...'
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
'Pre-dawn' is rather weak, why not 'bitter'
or something more evocative?
'donned' and the 'Don'?
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
second 'dawn'
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
all built with his own hands
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
two 'built'
I think nibbed is right about this section.
Where is N's sentiment?
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
What does this have to do
with N and the shirt?
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
One problem is having got to the end you realise that the
first line is very misleading. It's not ' I have old skins'
but 'I have two old skins', and that is slightly disappointing.
Something of a radical proposition, I admit, but would you
consider beginning 'I have this old skin' and ending with
'against absence' - dropping II entirely?
There is no real contrast between I and II and consequently
II seems unnecessary (though it would work perfectly well
on its own).
Best, Knot.
Posts: 11
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2018
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I both like and dislike this opening. My preference would be cuts then one line : Old skins given to me...matter now.
(the statement of having the skins is redundant once it is known they are given to you)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
I like to this point, but am a bit thrown by the next 2 lines. I would cut them, then examine to see if the remaining can run in a better order.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
I would cut "expand" you have said the sentiment with "surge" and the extra word detracts from its power.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
"designed" feels out of place. Hard to put finger on best way forward; but just cutting the word adding and rambling to the line then ending next line at end of sentence might work.
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
third last and second last lines hold a little too much grandeur for me
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
I would cut "the" from above
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
As this has continued (from last comment) it seems to have wandered from the old skins theme, and with that I find my interest and reader investment has also strayed.
mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
The last 2 stanza I feel need more.
There's good stuff here, though I'm sure there is improvement to be had
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