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It's nearly Christmas,
and I waste my precious time
watching music videos
for one shot of a half-naked man,
my Puerto Rican prince
in tight jeans and no shirt,
warbling some empty love song.
More processed than a cheese sandwich
bought from a gas station,
a spiritual wasteland entombed
in bronze flesh. This is romance
as I perceive it: taut and pouting
like fresh fish on my television screen,
as I drink lemonade
then grow slowly erect.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 5,057
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i like this one a lot.
one nit. would the last two lines read better as;
television screen, as I drink lemonade
and drink and become erect. don't ask me why, maybe the thought of drinking lemonade after getting a stiffy wouldn't be my first choice of action.
i like the earthiness of this jack. it feels real, it doesn't feel contrived. i think many poems do, i know many of mine do at least and that's because i suppose they are.
this on the other hand feels lived in and lived out
hang on, just read it again for the umph time;
like fresh fish, from my (it feels a little disjointed )
for me the line should end at fish or continue to screen.
back to the praise; aoart from those two minuscule points i think this is one my faves of yours.
thanks for the read
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Thank you, Billy
My opinion of this piece wasn't too high, so you saying that it's one one of your favourites by me has made my day somewhat. Do you think the last lines would work better like this?:
"taut and pouting
like fresh fish on my television screen,
as I drink lemonade
then grow slowly erect."
Thanks again for your feedback and very kind words
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
yep, just as long as the lemonade comes before the hard on. hehe.
and i can't see a need a for content warning as such.
Posts: 1,548
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Edited
If you think so then I'll remove the warning; I just worried that delicate eyes might be offended by a hard on reference
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hehe. while expletives should have a content warning i see nothing wrong with talking about erections or orgasms etc. they are something everyone over the age of whatever should enjoy. facts of life per say are okay to go. thanks for the thoughtfulness though.
the rules says no one under the age of 13. anyone that age or under reading the poetry should be doing so under parental supervision
