Looking for intensive critique on my six part poem.that I'm looking to publish in a poetry book with other pieces I have saved. If anyone could take the time to pick this apart I'd really appreciate it! 
Ocean's Winds - Part I
Bring the ocean of emotion
in the morning swell dwelling
inside the waves.of power.
I taste the air, crisp in the morning
wind and the sun shining through
the gaps in the clouds blinding me.
I am your protector, for my love is
here now inside my heart beating forever
your word is the bringer of protective intent
for I am your instrument of safety
as the longing rests deep within
for I know nothing but this readiness
to defend you I stand at your ready
whether or not your love is meant for me
my protection comes at no cost
other than your kinship rather than
your affection though I do crave it,
I am honestly in love, so utterly and true.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part II
Within the deepest reaches
of the grandest of seas
there rests a power more
compelling to the touch than love
itself; this strength dwells within me
it also dwells within you.
Scorching skies or darkened days
my love for you remains the same
and I know what needs to be done.
I feel nothing but a righteous anger
that is channeled into a protective trust
conquering a primitive need inside.
And although I long for your affection
I am willing to let that die a slow death
even though I am still deeply in love.
These emotions are beyond reasoning
and this love is beyond a physical infatuation
that triumphed a memory so paralyzing to remember.
Where can I run, what can I do?
Except long for a love
other than you to become true?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part III
Stronger than I was but still plagued
with a fierce anger accompanied
with the very same hatred that I felt after
his soul departed to the Heavens
and her love crucified before the
sight of Christ and the Throne of God.
Must I continue this struggle?
Living day in and out with his memory
that I am unable to erase, an inept defeat.
I roar to the skies "God answer me!" I shout out
"Why Father, is he gone, my very flesh
and blood?" hearing only silence I turn to anger.
My sails are cast into the Ocean's Winds
as the oars protrude from the vessel
a miasma of cross wind and manpower
driving us into the future, leaving all the hurt behind
but the anger will always burn, like an endless flame
kindled in the ashes of the essence of my heart's grief..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part IV
Such anger no longer felt in the heart of a Man
that has advanced forward into the mission of
his dedication to a love he felt with such intensity.
The cliff face beckons those to step into the void
that moment of bewilderment, enticing all to jump
below the jagged rocks protrude from the Ocean
assaulted by the roaring tides, once clear skies
turning into a storm, thunder cracking with ferocity
such power that is felt even in the Heavens above
from whence they came, striking again with the
strong wind, it's as if Poseidon's wrath is let loose
of nature's own backlash to everyone's ambitions
brought forth with the wrath of Zeus's lightning
and thunder massaged the notes of Gaia's violin,
these entities are a metaphoric description of
a glorious storm tearing through the vessels that
peter on its surface, beneath them the trenches
of the deep flooded with swordfishes and others.
I continue through this storm, in search of my fate.
------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part V
"God, I am yours now and forever. See my
dedication written in the passages of time."
Reaffirmed through my commitment and loyalty
to the Throne he ascended in the graces of God
fulfilling a prophecy written of in the timeless ages
of the ascension of the Messiah, a kingdom of sorrow.
I sway to the soundtrack of the enlightened ages
a time of peace and plenty, even a Soldier needs
his respite. I long for the delicacies of a love
made for me to fall deeply into, without fear of failure
knowing full well how this Earth has progressed through
fire and brimstone as well as pain and sorrow
without order all falls to chaos, without chaos all turns
to a monotonous existence, of dedication to our own
enslavement paying as much as we're paid.
Where must I turn to, to see my destiny fulfilled?
All I know is all I've experienced, time will surely tell
as if I didn't understand that success requires sacrifice.
-----------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part VI
Now I behold the longing within my eyes
as I stare deeply into my reflection
within this Ocean, again this fire has been lit.
An unstoppable force bequeathed a purpose
that I am compelled to fulfill, with patience
and practice I refine myself in that same fire
that my eyes are burning a shade of, this is
a completion of goals, a restructure of my
timeline and past, knowing this is going to evolve
into something so powerful that it could dwarf
the greatest of achievements, and be reborn
from the ashes of a past so riddled in tragedy.
As I see the Sun through the clouds shimmering
a horizon plagued in darkness above the Ocean
and the peacefulness has been provoked into war.
I stand before Him, as witness to the greatness of His
merciless will, set upon a sky of darkened clouds,
pouring rain and fierce winds creating a storm of power.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-24-2018, 01:15 PM)Bloodline Wrote: Looking for intensive critique on my six part poem.that I'm looking to publish in a poetry book with other pieces I have saved. If anyone could take the time to pick this apart I'd really appreciate it!
Hello blood,
I am not sure that I should take a whole lot of time to "pick" this apart , but I will if you will do something for me. Read this work out loud to yourself and make squiggly marks, punctuation, where your normal speech tells you there is a problem...and there are problems. It is quite clearly spelled out to you that in this forum your work should be free from simple errors...this is not. OK...so here's the deal. Go through it carefully and make it as good as you can. I do not believe that you believe that this is as well written as you can make it. Do this and you will save us both a lot of time. Once adjusted, the Intensive crit will be forthcoming. I am not sure of the ethics in a rewrite by others if you are intending publishing unless it will be self-publshed. A few pointers in text to give you some ideas.
Best,
tectak
Ocean's Winds - Part I
Bring the ocean of emotion
in the morning swell dwelling
inside the waves.of power....too convoluted and wordy to have impact. Not cleanly enough punctuated to make sense
I taste the air, crisp in the morning
wind and the sun shining through
the gaps in the clouds blinding me. As an isolated thought, it is fine. As a connected thought it is...er...isolated. Consider combining stanzas
I am your protector, for my love is
here now inside my heart beating forever
your word is the bringer of protective intent There is a consequential use of "for"....but no consequence following. Dreadfully hackneyed and I have absolutely no idea what the last line means except it may mean the same as the first line...which goes without saying.
for I am your instrument of safety
as the longing rests deep within
for I know nothing but this readiness This is reminiscent of hindu love poetry badly translated...is it?
to defend you I stand at your ready
whether or not your love is meant for me
my protection comes at no cost Hmmm...I am beginning to believe myself. There is something "lossy" about the whole feel of this. It is hopelessly and naively over-romantic.
other than your kinship rather than
your affection though I do crave it,
I am honestly in love, so utterly and true. Just dreadful...I would lose this stanza completely. It really is faux-poeticin the worst way
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part II No more for now but only because the problems are generic.Don't despair...work on it, punctuate it, remove hyperbole, eliminate cliches, try not to say the same thing over and over again, don't repeat words quite so often or better, at all. Stop falling in to oldee english achaic traps...and if you are writing this to woo the cute blond girl who sits next to you in class...come clean. If she's called Roxane I won't be back
Within the deepest reaches
of the grandest of seas
there rests a power more
compelling to the touch than love
itself; this strength dwells within me
it also dwells within you.
Scorching skies or darkened days
my love for you remains the same
and I know what needs to be done.
I feel nothing but a righteous anger
that is channeled into a protective trust
conquering a primitive need inside.
And although I long for your affection
I am willing to let that die a slow death
even though I am still deeply in love.
These emotions are beyond reasoning
and this love is beyond a physical infatuation
that triumphed a memory so paralyzing to remember.
Where can I run, what can I do?
Except long for a love
other than you to become true?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part III
Stronger than I was but still plagued
with a fierce anger accompanied
with the very same hatred that I felt after
his soul departed to the Heavens
and her love crucified before the
sight of Christ and the Throne of God.
Must I continue this struggle?
Living day in and out with his memory
that I am unable to erase, an inept defeat.
I roar to the skies "God answer me!" I shout out
"Why Father, is he gone, my very flesh
and blood?" hearing only silence I turn to anger.
My sails are cast into the Ocean's Winds
as the oars protrude from the vessel
a miasma of cross wind and manpower
driving us into the future, leaving all the hurt behind
but the anger will always burn, like an endless flame
kindled in the ashes of the essence of my heart's grief..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part IV
Such anger no longer felt in the heart of a Man
that has advanced forward into the mission of
his dedication to a love he felt with such intensity.
The cliff face beckons those to step into the void
that moment of bewilderment, enticing all to jump
below the jagged rocks protrude from the Ocean
assaulted by the roaring tides, once clear skies
turning into a storm, thunder cracking with ferocity
such power that is felt even in the Heavens above
from whence they came, striking again with the
strong wind, it's as if Poseidon's wrath is let loose
of nature's own backlash to everyone's ambitions
brought forth with the wrath of Zeus's lightning
and thunder massaged the notes of Gaia's violin,
these entities are a metaphoric description of
a glorious storm tearing through the vessels that
peter on its surface, beneath them the trenches
of the deep flooded with swordfishes and others.
I continue through this storm, in search of my fate.
------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part V
"God, I am yours now and forever. See my
dedication written in the passages of time."
Reaffirmed through my commitment and loyalty
to the Throne he ascended in the graces of God
fulfilling a prophecy written of in the timeless ages
of the ascension of the Messiah, a kingdom of sorrow.
I sway to the soundtrack of the enlightened ages
a time of peace and plenty, even a Soldier needs
his respite. I long for the delicacies of a love
made for me to fall deeply into, without fear of failure
knowing full well how this Earth has progressed through
fire and brimstone as well as pain and sorrow
without order all falls to chaos, without chaos all turns
to a monotonous existence, of dedication to our own
enslavement paying as much as we're paid.
Where must I turn to, to see my destiny fulfilled?
All I know is all I've experienced, time will surely tell
as if I didn't understand that success requires sacrifice.
-----------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part VI
Now I behold the longing within my eyes
as I stare deeply into my reflection
within this Ocean, again this fire has been lit.
An unstoppable force bequeathed a purpose
that I am compelled to fulfill, with patience
and practice I refine myself in that same fire
that my eyes are burning a shade of, this is
a completion of goals, a restructure of my
timeline and past, knowing this is going to evolve
into something so powerful that it could dwarf
the greatest of achievements, and be reborn
from the ashes of a past so riddled in tragedy.
As I see the Sun through the clouds shimmering
a horizon plagued in darkness above the Ocean
and the peacefulness has been provoked into war.
I stand before Him, as witness to the greatness of His
merciless will, set upon a sky of darkened clouds,
pouring rain and fierce winds creating a storm of power.
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
Afternoon Bloodline,
Given that I am new here and no expert I offer you these opinions with caution, they are yours to use as you wish. From the offset I would suggest that this is much too long for my attention span, and some of my favourite poetry was written by poets prone to writing long works. So what is the problem then with this? I find the emotion of this piece, if any emotion exists at all to be conveyed through the use of cliché, while there is nothing wrong with cliché in one sense it is always of course born from truth, in literature or any art form for that matter it’s a potential Achilles’ heel. More so than anything else I believe poetry should illicit a response from the reader, I would hesitate to say that the feelings of the author at the time of conception to be of no importance. Why? Because the minute you send your baby out into the world it’s no longer yours it is now beholden to my gaze. And as such you have this work’s greatest weakness, beyond the technical issues some of which we will come on to later, it elicits little of me as the reader and I am left with the trite and the cliché.
What do I like? There is something, very obviously in my opinion, Khalil Gibranesque about the work and in fact I connect, my vague desire to read The Prophet, to reading your poem. You have stated that you wish to see this published, for this to be possible it needs serious and intensive pruning. I would start with Ocean's Winds - Part IV, and it is where I am going to leave you something a little more in-depth:
Such anger no longer felt in the heart of a Man
that has advanced forward into the mission of
his dedication to a love he felt with such intensity.
Given that this in my opinion, sits awkwardly with the rest of this section, I would let it go
The cliff face beckons us those to step into the void
that a moment of bewilderment, enticing all to jump
below the as the jagged rocks protrude and welcome us into from the Ocean below
Given the spirituality of the work why not allow the cliff face to speak the phrase “step into the void” allow the Cliff face and or the jagged rocks below to become sirens. In all honesty that would be the direction in which I would take this but that would involve a heavy re-write which is not my job. So the rest of my comments will reflect issues in the original text
assaulted by the roaring tides, once clear skies
turning into a storm, thunder cracking with ferocity
such power that is felt even in the Heavens above
It just reads awkwardly as was mentioned by a previous commentator it needs you to sit down and re-read it aloud.
from whence they came, striking again with the
strong wind, it's as if Poseidon's wrath is let loose
of nature's own backlash to everyone's ambitions
Punctuation and syntax need reworking
brought forth with the wrath of Zeus's lightning
and thunder massaged the notes of Gaia's violin,
these entities are a metaphoric description of
Actually kind of like this stanza
a glorious storm tearing through the vessels that
peter on its surface, beneath them the trenches
of the deep flooded with swordfishes and others.
I like what you are getting at here in terms of humanity’s scale in relation to all else, but I think with a little wording it could be a lot stronger in its realization
I continue through this storm, in search of my fate.
One final comment on this, I would suggest that at times the change of line and the break for a new stanza feel a little arbitrary, given that this reminds me so much of Gibran I don’t think it would be a bad shout to embrace the idea of prose-poetry for this work and say fuck it to formatting it like a traditional poem.
I can’t think of much else to add, again ignore everything I have said should you so wish.
Cheers
Johnny
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(02-24-2018, 01:15 PM)Bloodline Wrote: Looking for intensive critique on my six part poem.that I'm looking to publish in a poetry book with other pieces I have saved. If anyone could take the time to pick this apart I'd really appreciate it!
Ocean's Winds - Part I
Bring the ocean of emotion
in the morning swell dwelling
inside the waves.of power.
I taste the air, crisp in the morning
wind and the sun shining through
the gaps in the clouds blinding me.
I am your protector, for my love is
here now inside my heart beating forever
your word is the bringer of protective intent
for I am your instrument of safety
as the longing rests deep within
for I know nothing but this readiness
to defend you I stand at your ready
whether or not your love is meant for me
my protection comes at no cost
other than your kinship rather than
your affection though I do crave it,
I am honestly in love, so utterly and true.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part II
Within the deepest reaches
of the grandest of seas
there rests a power more
compelling to the touch than love
itself; this strength dwells within me
it also dwells within you.
Scorching skies or darkened days
my love for you remains the same
and I know what needs to be done.
I feel nothing but a righteous anger
that is channeled into a protective trust
conquering a primitive need inside.
And although I long for your affection
I am willing to let that die a slow death
even though I am still deeply in love.
These emotions are beyond reasoning
and this love is beyond a physical infatuation
that triumphed a memory so paralyzing to remember.
Where can I run, what can I do?
Except long for a love
other than you to become true?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part III
Stronger than I was but still plagued
with a fierce anger accompanied
with the very same hatred that I felt after
his soul departed to the Heavens
and her love crucified before the
sight of Christ and the Throne of God.
Must I continue this struggle?
Living day in and out with his memory
that I am unable to erase, an inept defeat.
I roar to the skies "God answer me!" I shout out
"Why Father, is he gone, my very flesh
and blood?" hearing only silence I turn to anger.
My sails are cast into the Ocean's Winds
as the oars protrude from the vessel
a miasma of cross wind and manpower
driving us into the future, leaving all the hurt behind
but the anger will always burn, like an endless flame
kindled in the ashes of the essence of my heart's grief..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part IV
Such anger no longer felt in the heart of a Man
that has advanced forward into the mission of
his dedication to a love he felt with such intensity.
The cliff face beckons those to step into the void
that moment of bewilderment, enticing all to jump
below the jagged rocks protrude from the Ocean
assaulted by the roaring tides, once clear skies
turning into a storm, thunder cracking with ferocity
such power that is felt even in the Heavens above
from whence they came, striking again with the
strong wind, it's as if Poseidon's wrath is let loose
of nature's own backlash to everyone's ambitions
brought forth with the wrath of Zeus's lightning
and thunder massaged the notes of Gaia's violin,
these entities are a metaphoric description of
a glorious storm tearing through the vessels that
peter on its surface, beneath them the trenches
of the deep flooded with swordfishes and others.
I continue through this storm, in search of my fate.
------------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part V
"God, I am yours now and forever. See my
dedication written in the passages of time."
Reaffirmed through my commitment and loyalty
to the Throne he ascended in the graces of God
fulfilling a prophecy written of in the timeless ages
of the ascension of the Messiah, a kingdom of sorrow.
I sway to the soundtrack of the enlightened ages
a time of peace and plenty, even a Soldier needs
his respite. I long for the delicacies of a love
made for me to fall deeply into, without fear of failure
knowing full well how this Earth has progressed through
fire and brimstone as well as pain and sorrow
without order all falls to chaos, without chaos all turns
to a monotonous existence, of dedication to our own
enslavement paying as much as we're paid.
Where must I turn to, to see my destiny fulfilled?
All I know is all I've experienced, time will surely tell
as if I didn't understand that success requires sacrifice.
-----------------------------------------------
Ocean's Winds - Part VI
Now I behold the longing within my eyes
as I stare deeply into my reflection
within this Ocean, again this fire has been lit.
An unstoppable force bequeathed a purpose
that I am compelled to fulfill, with patience
and practice I refine myself in that same fire
that my eyes are burning a shade of, this is
a completion of goals, a restructure of my
timeline and past, knowing this is going to evolve
into something so powerful that it could dwarf
the greatest of achievements, and be reborn
from the ashes of a past so riddled in tragedy.
As I see the Sun through the clouds shimmering
a horizon plagued in darkness above the Ocean
and the peacefulness has been provoked into war.
I stand before Him, as witness to the greatness of His
merciless will, set upon a sky of darkened clouds,
pouring rain and fierce winds creating a storm of power.
maybe the content of your poem is too fresh, it transports the need to voice some things .. but maybe they don´t want to be disguised in metaphors.
some of your thoughts are circling, taking loops over clichés. this doesn´t make your feelings untrue, they just don´t stand out as much to the reader anymore, and the conclusions you draw are metaphorically drowning in this "ocean of emotion".
it seems as if you´re talking about more than one event/ topic, if this is the case that just contributes to a puzzle readers can´t solve without a little concrete help.
there´s a few logical traps, like ashes kindling flames or depth being flooded or past being re-structured.
maybe you should be the first to flesh through the poem. you don´t have to erase the work, just focus on the essentials, look at the parts where you make statements like
"without order all falls to chaos, without chaos all turns to a monotonous existence of dedication to our own"
there´s too much talk about power i think. some of the most powerful poems i´ve read are about weakness.
forgive if my crit sounds overly negative; but i think you got what is most important to start from: a feeling that needs to be conveyed (to the reader, maybe even to yourself).
...
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