Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
He called his work “It could have been me”.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all,
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves.
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter;
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him.
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain.
He called his dance “Because I Can”.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye.
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell.
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”.
Tectak
2018
Hi Tectak,
You have a clever beginning here. I looked at 5 recent poems in this thread and liked yours the most so that's a positive (at least compared to the competition lol). I did cringe at the very first line when you used the British spelling of "colored' to describe a man "in New York City". Not only is the spelling wrong for the region but the word "colored" or even spelled "coloured" is an offensive term to many black people in New York City. So the line absolutely must be rewritten, but pretending that you've made that correction, the rest of the poem has possibilities.
I was also a little concerned with the line "Being by birth a palette in a grey town". If "grey" is meant to describe the black person, then it again seems a little insensitive and offensive. And if the word is meant to describe New York City - it's not a "grey town." I spent many years living there and other places and no one I know who has actually visited New York describes it as a "grey town". Are you really talking about New York? Maybe in your mind you're half-visualizing some town you know well that is, in fact, "a grey town" and, if so, maybe you should change the story to be about that town, but more on that later....
It also seems unlikely that someone who happened to get a bit of paint on shoes would carry that paint "almost to the edge" of New York City. You really should try walking from, say, the Bronx to the edge of Staton Island one day, or from Manhattan to the edge of Queens or Brooklyn. This line needs to be rewritten - there's no reason you have to say "edge" and certainly not "edge of town" when describing one of the largest population centers in the world - the largest in the world if you count the number of people that commute into the city for work. But you could easily say "three blocks away or "eight blocks away" or "to the edge of the borough" or something that fits New York (if you're going to keep this part of the poem set in New York).
The third stanza ties in nicely both with your use of sound and your tying together earlier images, though I do question if the overall meaning is enough to call this a poem or if it is at this point a clever exercise showing some skilled use of sound and connected imagery but without the profound significance that I would hope for.
How do you get to profound significance? I think for one thing you need to understand your subject better. The errors you made in the first stanza are a clear indication that you lack much understanding of black people in New York City. So why do you write about one? How is he important to your story? On the one hand, it seems like you're trying to tie into significant social issues - minorities such as blacks and homosexuals and issues they are facing in America - but if you don't really seem to know much about them and it almost seems like you are just trying the hijack their pain for your own glory as a poet - I find that disingenuous. Minorities that I know personally from New York City and Greenwich Village hate it when some outsider who has no vested "skin in the game" to use an American term tries to pose as a participant but really all you're doing is trying to re-direct a bit of the spotlight from their very serious and important issues to your much less important self for your own benefit as a writer to get recognition. Frankly, I also find it offensive, and that's one of the reasons I've reacted harshly here.
What I think you should do is replace the characters in your poem with (and the location in your poem) people (and a location) you actually know and identify with. If you speak British English then those people are not residents of New York City, but there are people in your own neighborhood, people you know personally, and if you talk about them, instead of someone far from your experience, then I think you'll be making an important step in the right direction of making this effort much more profound. It will be more profound because it will be more from your own, real experience, and not something that you're trying to pretend. It may seem to you that you need to tie into some big, newsworthy issue to write a profound poem but really you just need to tie into your own experience base - that's where the possibility of something profound lies.
Best of luck with the next version!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-21-2018, 02:53 PM)Brillig Wrote: Hi Tectak,
You have a clever beginning here. I looked at 5 recent poems in this thread and liked yours the most so that's a positive (at least compared to the competition lol). I did cringe at the very first line when you used the British spelling of "colored' to describe a man "in New York City". Not only is the spelling wrong for the region but the word "colored" or even spelled "coloured" is an offensive term to many black people in New York City. So the line absolutely must be rewritten, but pretending that you've made that correction, the rest of the poem has possibilities.
I was also a little concerned with the line "Being by birth a palette in a grey town". If "grey" is meant to describe the black person, then it again seems a little insensitive and offensive. And if the word is meant to describe New York City - it's not a "grey town." I spent many years living there and other places and no one I know who has actually visited New York describes it as a "grey town". Are you really talking about New York? Maybe in your mind you're half-visualizing some town you know well that is, in fact, "a grey town" and, if so, maybe you should change the story to be about that town, but more on that later....
It also seems unlikely that someone who happened to get a bit of paint on shoes would carry that paint "almost to the edge" of New York City. You really should try walking from, say, the Bronx to the edge of Staton Island one day, or from Manhattan to the edge of Queens or Brooklyn. This line needs to be rewritten - there's no reason you have to say "edge" and certainly not "edge of town" when describing one of the largest population centers in the world - the largest in the world if you count the number of people that commute into the city for work. But you could easily say "three blocks away or "eight blocks away" or "to the edge of the borough" or something that fits New York (if you're going to keep this part of the poem set in New York).
The third stanza ties in nicely both with your use of sound and your tying together earlier images, though I do question if the overall meaning is enough to call this a poem or if it is at this point a clever exercise showing some skilled use of sound and connected imagery but without the profound significance that I would hope for.
How do you get to profound significance? I think for one thing you need to understand your subject better. The errors you made in the first stanza are a clear indication that you lack much understanding of black people in New York City. So why do you write about one? How is he important to your story? On the one hand, it seems like you're trying to tie into significant social issues - minorities such as blacks and homosexuals and issues they are facing in America - but if you don't really seem to know much about them and it almost seems like you are just trying the hijack their pain for your own glory as a poet - I find that disingenuous. Minorities that I know personally from New York City and Greenwich Village hate it when some outsider who has no vested "skin in the game" to use an American term tries to pose as a participant but really all you're doing is trying to re-direct a bit of the spotlight from their very serious and important issues to your much less important self for your own benefit as a writer to get recognition. Frankly, I also find it offensive, and that's one of the reasons I've reacted harshly here.
What I think you should do is replace the characters in your poem with (and the location in your poem) people (and a location) you actually know and identify with. If you speak British English then those people are not residents of New York City, but there are people in your own neighborhood, people you know personally, and if you talk about them, instead of someone far from your experience, then I think you'll be making an important step in the right direction of making this effort much more profound. It will be more profound because it will be more from your own, real experience, and not something that you're trying to pretend. It may seem to you that you need to tie into some big, newsworthy issue to write a profound poem but really you just need to tie into your own experience base - that's where the possibility of something profound lies.
Best of luck with the next version!
Many thanks for your comments but methinks that you protest too much. Read the title then comment in the poetry not the content. There is nothing in this that is accurate...it is fake news. That is what it alludes to. The first two stanzas, though cryptic if you do not know of the events which relate, can be easily researched BUT even if you know or did not know your history the "fake news" title should clarify. The drift of your comments is, though, valid. Offence was not the aim...but it is your reception at fault not my transmission.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
He called his work “It could have been me”. this stanza could even have stood alone somewhere else.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all, pretending through poetics was my only thought, otherwise, I'd oust the last phrase
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves. good metaphor for vulnerability
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter; two isn't a crowd unless one "vants to be alone"
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him. i criticize the spelling here
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain. no comma
He called his dance “Because I Can”.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye. this was abrupt to the poem, awakening a change of mood
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone wondering the symbolism here, frightened by brain & bone
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell. really graphic
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”. I don't like how he 'was dead' but really wasn't, but I guess that's what the poem
is all about.
Tectak
2018
I liked the ingenuity of the whole scene. A whole different angle from any other poem ever presented here, strangely using the entire space given, even incorporating basic psychology and, wow! that sure coordinates the entire scene. I like how the poem itself fits, giving a sense of someone very familiar with their surroundings, not wasting even an inch of their sacred ground. The title makes me smile. It inspires, makes me want to make up an exclamatory word I've never seen and later find it in the dictionary, but not be surprised, because it's such a cool word.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-22-2018, 12:23 AM)nibbed Wrote: Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
He called his work “It could have been me”. this stanza could even have stood alone somewhere else.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all, pretending through poetics was my only thought, otherwise, I'd oust the last phrase
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves. good metaphor for vulnerability
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter; two isn't a crowd unless one "vants to be alone"
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him. i criticize the spelling here
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain. no comma
He called his dance “Because I Can”.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye. this was abrupt to the poem, awakening a change of mood
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone wondering the symbolism here, frightened by brain & bone
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell. really graphic
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”. I don't like how he 'was dead' but really wasn't, but I guess that's what the poem
is all about.
Tectak
2018
I liked the ingenuity of the whole scene. A whole different angle from any other poem ever presented here, strangely using the entire space given, even incorporating basic psychology and, wow! that sure coordinates the entire scene. I like how the poem itself fits, giving a sense of someone very familiar with their surroundings, not wasting even an inch of their sacred ground. The title makes me smile. It inspires, makes me want to make up an exclamatory word I've never seen and later find it in the dictionary, but not be surprised, because it's such a cool word.
-nibbed
Hi nibbed,
Thanks for this. There is always room for speculative interpretation in any stuff presented in Intensive but I hoped that in this case the very obvious title would indicate that like a lot of people I am pissed off with false reporting and general misrepresentation of "things as they really are/were". You , of course, being a resident of the USA are more aware than I of what damage false news can cause...though we over the pond are probably in for more of it over the next decade.
If there is one thing, though, that concerns me on this and it is that I am asking a lot of the reader...far more than I usually do. This piece has a generic quality which you appear to have latched on to but there must be changes as it would seem that not everyone "reads" poetry as an art form in itself, rather requiring from poetry veracity and gravitas in equal measure. I will take your comments as quintessentially emotional and thank you for them...I refer particularly to the "dead man talking"...his death was a statement and I feel sure you get my drift  An edit will come....
Best,
tectak
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(02-18-2018, 11:01 PM)tectak Wrote: Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
He called his work “It could have been me”. -- I enjoy the contrast of "man of colour(ed)" against "grey town". At first I thought it was heavy-handed to include "blood-red", thinking that your audience would see the connection regardless, but then your audience proved me wrong. I believe you could remove "being" in L3, unless you specifically want the "human being" connotation. I am delighted by the use of the man-as-palette, and his brightest hues.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all,
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves.
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter;
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him.
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain.
He called his dance “Because I Can”. -- the cliched images in this stanza work beautifully as satire. I do think it a shame (and a source of some amusement) that many who read poetry these days tend to miss irony in their demand for veracity, as they assume everyone is as obtuse as they. You undermine this nicely. Is "candy store" the correct vernacular for the location? L5 is the most powerful for me in this stanza and even without the title, this would have been the giveaway as to the subject of the poem.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye.
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell.
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”. -- An excellent volte to snap back to almost-real. I really want L3 to be a little less cumbersome -- "some passersby" perhaps? I do enjoy the throwaway of "half-head guy", who has become commonplace enough to leave in the street with the rubbish. Trash, I suppose that should be. Pardon my lack of attention to local idiom. Oh wait, it doesn't matter does it? It's Some Town, Somewhere, and I'm sure this could happen in any nation, right? Ah, but you have a sidewalk... Contrasting the outrage at being inconvenienced by the splatter with the outrage-that-should-be at the loss of any semblance of empathy for fellow humans is poignant.
Tectak
2018
Dear Mr Tak, It is with some consternation that I read your poem and found it to be an accurate summation of a nation that cares far more about its marketing image than the internal workings of the poor and disposable. One does wonder, given the long tradition of poetry as social commentary about more than merely the immediate area in which one dwells (I have studied such things extensively in academia -- why, I have even taught them!), why many people today would view such poetry ("unacknowledged legislators of the world", old chap) as flawed in subject because it does not emerge directly from the poet's bosom as a diary entry. In a global economy, from which some nations benefit significantly more than others, and upon a planet which will conceivably become the base of intergalactic operation some time this century, it does rather concern me that pointing out the irony in international events (in a world where "nation" is less important than ever) is seen as offensive and transgressive to many. As is, this is perhaps too topical and immediate to be published (I've published, after all -- why, I've even been a publisher!) but it did need to be written, and I'm glad to have read it.
It could be worse
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi tectak,
for what it's worth...
Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
Small suggestion - 'origins' ?
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Similarly - 'unfettered'
(maybe you need a 'sidewalk' here to balance S3?)
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
Just an idea -
[H]e chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art, eing by birth a palette in a grey town
At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
Any alternative to 'paint' (feels a little repetitive after 'painted')?
Maybe a specific tone/shade (Alizarin Crimson, for instance)
[b]but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
The ambiguity of 'carried foot prints' is interesting,
though not sure it helps.
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
like the 'almost'
He called his work “It could have been me”.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all,
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves.
Why not 'singing of his loves' ?
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
Maybe 'tossed kisses' (for the sonics)?
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter;
'hurried' and 'running'?
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him.
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
'through'? 'Behind' I'd understand, or 'their laughter cut through'...
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain.
I think this is rather a weak line (what with dancing/splashing/rain)
He called his dance “Because I Can”.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man[/b]
Why not 'some (quiet) man' ?
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye.
'his' and 'own' ?
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone
Almost want 'rubberneck' in here somewhere.
The line also feels a bit weak after S1/L6
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
'hollered out' after 'called out'?
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell.
(another 'out) - Like 'half-head guy'
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
'passers-by' after 'passed close by' ?
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
just a suggestion - 'scarlet dance step diagrams'
Punctuation of the final two lines seems a bit off.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”.
Could he say
...clearly "Enough is Enough" ?
Best, Knot.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-22-2018, 04:23 AM)Leanne Wrote: (02-18-2018, 11:01 PM)tectak Wrote: Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
He called his work “It could have been me”. -- I enjoy the contrast of "man of colour(ed)" against "grey town". At first I thought it was heavy-handed to include "blood-red", thinking that your audience would see the connection regardless, but then your audience proved me wrong. I believe you could remove "being" in L3, unless you specifically want the "human being" connotation. I am delighted by the use of the man-as-palette, and his brightest hues.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all,
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves.
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter;
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him.
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain.
He called his dance “Because I Can”. -- the cliched images in this stanza work beautifully as satire. I do think it a shame (and a source of some amusement) that many who read poetry these days tend to miss irony in their demand for veracity, as they assume everyone is as obtuse as they. You undermine this nicely. Is "candy store" the correct vernacular for the location? L5 is the most powerful for me in this stanza and even without the title, this would have been the giveaway as to the subject of the poem.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye.
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell.
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”. -- An excellent volte to snap back to almost-real. I really want L3 to be a little less cumbersome -- "some passersby" perhaps? I do enjoy the throwaway of "half-head guy", who has become commonplace enough to leave in the street with the rubbish. Trash, I suppose that should be. Pardon my lack of attention to local idiom. Oh wait, it doesn't matter does it? It's Some Town, Somewhere, and I'm sure this could happen in any nation, right? Ah, but you have a sidewalk... Contrasting the outrage at being inconvenienced by the splatter with the outrage-that-should-be at the loss of any semblance of empathy for fellow humans is poignant.
Tectak
2018
Dear Mr Tak, It is with some consternation that I read your poem and found it to be an accurate summation of a nation that cares far more about its marketing image than the internal workings of the poor and disposable. One does wonder, given the long tradition of poetry as social commentary about more than merely the immediate area in which one dwells (I have studied such things extensively in academia -- why, I have even taught them!), why many people today would view such poetry ("unacknowledged legislators of the world", old chap) as flawed in subject because it does not emerge directly from the poet's bosom as a diary entry. In a global economy, from which some nations benefit significantly more than others, and upon a planet which will conceivably become the base of intergalactic operation some time this century, it does rather concern me that pointing out the irony in international events (in a world where "nation" is less important than ever) is seen as offensive and transgressive to many. As is, this is perhaps too topical and immediate to be published (I've published, after all -- why, I've even been a publisher!) but it did need to be written, and I'm glad to have read it.
Do try to limit commentary to the poetry...there's a good Sheila....Mod 
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-22-2018, 05:52 AM)Knot Wrote: Hi tectak,
for what it's worth...
Today in New York City, a man of coloured origin,
Small suggestion - 'origins' ?
unhindered by the law, sat down and painted.
Similarly - 'unfettered'
(maybe you need a 'sidewalk' here to balance S3?)
Being by birth a palette in a grey town
he chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art. At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
Just an idea -
[H]e chose his brightest hues to demonstrate
his art, eing by birth a palette in a grey town
At first the blood-red paint ran through the cracks
Any alternative to 'paint' (feels a little repetitive after 'painted')?
Maybe a specific tone/shade (Alizarin Crimson, for instance)
[b]but some folk walked too close and carried foot prints
The ambiguity of 'carried foot prints' is interesting,
though not sure it helps.
along the sidewalk, almost to the edge of town.
like the 'almost'
He called his work “It could have been me”.
Today in Greenwich Village a man, who was no man at all,
danced naked in the rain, singing about his loves.
Why not 'singing of his loves' ?
He twirled on fairy-feet along the street, threw kisses
Maybe 'tossed kisses' (for the sonics)?
to a crowd of two that hurried past him running for shelter;
'hurried' and 'running'?
they never once called out, to shame or criticise him.
Children in a candy store, laughed loudly through glass panes;
'through'? 'Behind' I'd understand, or 'their laughter cut through'...
they only saw a dancing man, splashing in the rain.
I think this is rather a weak line (what with dancing/splashing/rain)
He called his dance “Because I Can”.
Today in Some Town, Somewhere, a quiet man[/b]
Why not 'some (quiet) man' ?
took out a gun and fired a bullet into his own right eye.
'his' and 'own' ?
Some folks who passed close by got brain and bone
Almost want 'rubberneck' in here somewhere.
The line also feels a bit weak after S1/L6
upon their fancy clothes. They hollered out in shock and rage,
'hollered out' after 'called out'?
but let the half-head guy bleed out just where he fell.
(another 'out) - Like 'half-head guy'
Some blood ran through the cracks but passers-by
'passers-by' after 'passed close by' ?
left dancing steps upon the sidewalk , skirting round.
just a suggestion - 'scarlet dance step diagrams'
Punctuation of the final two lines seems a bit off.
The man, though dead, said “ Enough is Enough”.
Could he say
...clearly "Enough is Enough" ?
Best, Knot.
Hi knot, sorry for tardy reply...I had to muck out the stables. You have scrubbed the loose dirt off this one and I will give it a polish in due course. All crit eaten,
Respect,
tectak
|
