Parable of the Weed (Revision 2)

[Todd]

Revision 2

There was a taste of October
in the spring soil

as the milky stalk crept
upward to sour the lilac breeze,

to lap iron water
under a jaundiced sun.

Gold, dappled by a late frost,
turned frail.

Wine dribbled insensibly as hours
blew from the clock

in wisps of pandemic explosion,
an inevitable soft rain

in this cycle of seasons—
the silent consequence of hate.


Revision
~~~

There was the taste of October
in the spring soil

as the milky stalk crept
upward to sour the lilac breeze,

to lap iron water,
thaw in the sun’s icy glint.

Gold turned frail, an early frost
under the gale's blade.

Wine dribbled insensibly as hours
blew from the clock

bringing an explosion of wisps:
the inevitability of soft rain,

this cycle of seasons—
the silent consequence of hate.


~~~

Original

There was the taste of October
in the spring soil

as the milky stalk crept
upward to sour the lilac breeze,

to lap the iron water,
thaw in the sun’s icy glint.

Gold turned frail, an early frost
under the blade of the gale

bringing an explosion of wisps:
the soft rain of inevitability,

the cycle of seasons—
the silent consequence of hate.

[billy]

i liked it all except for the last line.
it made struggle to get a handle on it.

i loved the 2nd couple but the 1st felt off. it read well but to see october and spring soil in the same couplet made me do a double take.

my final thought was that normally weed is grown indoors with heat lamps and nutrients. through a 12 week cycle.

it may be that i'm the only one who'll have these thought because drugs were a major part of my upbringing and background when i was younger.

outdoor plants are stringy and a lot less potent.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy, yeah if I had weed in mind instead of a different type of weed the last line wouldn't work. My parents were usually further down the distibution cycle when I was growing up (milk came from a carton and weed came from a bong)--how naive.

Best,

Todd

i liked it all except for the last line.
it made struggle to get a handle on it.

i loved the 2nd couple but the 1st felt off. it read well but to see october and spring soil in the same couplet made me do a double take.

my final thought was that normally weed is grown indoors with heat lamps and nutrients. through a 12 week cycle.

it may be that i'm the only one who'll have these thought because drugs were a major part of my upbringing and background when i was younger.

outdoor plants are stringy and a lot less potent.

[billy]

sorry todd it was my conditioning i deserve a good slap

i actually get the october in the spring soil now
i think the problem is me. i'm trying to work out the hate and where it came from.
and i'm hitting brick walls. i need a good think about it. i don't want answers, not keen on them but i would like to see some other takes on it please guys.

i'm back,
that was quick billy,
yes, i think i had an epiphany

it's a damn parable it's a story to explain the hatred men carry. how they spoil what they touch.
it's about the seasons of man. am i right, am i right. if so it hit me like a sledge hammer if not then i'm on the wrong meds. it really does work for me todd. not sure i'm correct but it does work for me.

thanks for the read and the enlightenment.

[Todd]

Billy, I think you have a good handle on a lot of it.

I'm more in Rewrite mode than write mode these days. I posted a revision that may or may not be better (like all of the f'ing revisions we do ha ha).

[billy]

the body of the edit:

to lap iron water
under a jaundiced sun.

Gold, dappled by a late frost,
turned frail.

i think both couplets help the reader better see the poems intent because they give more clarity. (jmo)